As the Locker Room Smells

It's the Stephanie show. BLAHHHHHH! Stephanie tells Adrienne that everything is great with Nathan. Then she sees Nathan and Melanie hugging and freaks the fuck out. This girl has such low self-esteem she because a psychopath over the course of an hour. Chloe calls Phillip to meet up with her and apparently it is difficult to just say Hey I got a paternity test OVER THE DAMN PHONE! Phil and her meet up and discuss that she won't know the results for days. Stephanie finds them and creepily wonders what they are discussing. When Phil tells her nothing, Steph decides the next best thing to do is break into Chloe's apartment. How did she figure out how to break into a place? She is smart enough to break into a place but isn't smart enough to ignore a call from her grandma?! Daniel and Chloe return and Steph needs to hide her ass!

Sami and Rafe make out in the locker room. Apparently the room smelled so bad that when Sami walked away Rafe smelled her freshness and then made out with her again. He stops them telling her the room is dirty. God I wish I was joking. This is like bad porn! Rafe is pissed Sami is marrying EJ and she is pissed Rafe knows the truth. She confronts EJ about it, but I'm too busy noticing Sydney eating her fruit snacks! I want one! She thinks EJ is lying, but she will still marry him because she needs to have sex with someone and is very horny. Nicole thinks her life sucks because Brady dumped her so she goes to Chloe for advice...LAST PERSON YOU GO TO! Chloe tells her she cannot help and needs to get her hair done. Wow what a rude bitch. Nicole realizes Chloe cannot help and her and she goes to a bar. Best idea ever! She runs into Rafe and the two start drinking together. If they have sex that is just lazy writing...which means they might have sex with this writing team.

Maggie wants to know what the hell is going on between Nathan and Melanie when she catches them hugging. I think they are having sex through their clothing Maggie!! She nosy but she doesn't want them to screw up their lives. Melanie meets up with Daniel for a little bit, but the best part is when she meets up with Chloe! Melanie and Chloe see each other at the Pub, and when Melanie sits down Chloe looks annoyed.Chloe is rude and very short with Melanie. The conversation ends, and Melanie says to herself that Chloe better tell people she is pregnant otherwise they will think she is a bitch! BEST LINE! Maggie and Nathan go to the pub and Maggie has to deal with that bitch Caroline Brady. Nathan wonders why the grannies are going at it. She tells him about Victor, and he wonders if his grandma is getting frisky. She is being coy but I am pretty sure Maggie is having dirty dreams. Yes I went there!

I forgot to mention that Justin is a woman now and Adrienne might be a lesbian in love with him. Yes Justin is sad Hope is in jail, and unfortunately Adrienne feels the need to comfort her ex. RUDE!

Previews: Victor yells at Brady: good God, you still have feelings for her.Obviously this must be Nicole, Arianna, or any other damn woman Brady likes. Victor hates all his grandson's love interests. Brady does have weird taste in women. Chloe a whore, Nicole a drunk, and Arianna an ex con.

Nicole tells Rafe that she blew it, just like he did. Okay I can make a really dirty joke here or just let it go. I am going to choose to let it go and perhaps SAVE IT FOR TOMORROW!

Sami asks EJ when he wants to get married. Why not tomorrow? It figures this show stretches everything out, but when it comes to their marriage. LET'S DO IT TOMORROW!!! God this show is weird.

Days of Our Prisoner Visits

Hope is sitting in her extra large denim jumper and getting visited by Julie, Arianna, and then Doug. Julie and Doug are all about Hope being innocent and how they are going to stand by her. Do her a favor and get her a sandwich if you love her. The woman commits a crime and everyone stands by her. It figures. If Carly flipped and did this everyone would ask for the death penalty! Arianna is the only one who yells at Hope. She tells her she doesn't buy her innocent act and hope she pays for her crimes. Hope agrees with her...well that was uneventful! Arianna leaves but scares Hope and tells her how much prison sucks. Hope looks terrified to go to jail because she is fully aware she will be someone's bitch. Gaby wants Arianna to forgive Hope...and just for that I would slap my little sister.

Sami accepts EJ's proposal of marriage. EJ is all giddy. It's gross. The best part was when EJ had his shirt off all wet. Then he lost me once he put his shirt back on while they are sitting on the beach! Sami runs into Rafe at the beach, because all FBI guys go to walk on the beach during their breaks apparently. They are getting along fine and Sami mentions seeing Baker. That brings up the usual fighting between Rafe and Sami over EJ being the bad guy. I'm sorry but I am not a SAFE fan. I really tried because I am not a EJAMI supporter, but Rafe and Sami are boring. I wish Lucas would come back personally. Sami tells Will she is marrying EJ and he looks like he wants to throw up. EJ calls Stefano to tell him the news, and Rafe is there to overhear him. Life sucks for Rafe basically.

Chad confronts Stefano to talk about prostitutes....and Chad's mom. This makes Stefano uncomfortable so he leaves. Kate thinks Stefano shouldn't act like that because it raises Chad's suspicions. Ya think?! Will runs into Chad and they have their awkward sexual chemistry. Just kidding. Will wants Chad to help him with his job at DiMera Enterprises. Who knew Chad was smart with business...it must run in the family that he really belongs to or something. Chad then meets up with his dad who could really care less about his "son." He doesn't care what Chad does, and Kate overhears this and feels horrible for the guy. She tries cheering him up, and if she even thinks of getting cougar with him I'll kill her! Will meets with Stefano, who doesn't like his idea of bringing Chad in to help him. Will asks why but doesn't really get any real answers. Hopefully Stefano doesn't try to kill his newly found relative, although its clear he favors Will over Chad.

Previews: Bo tells EJ not to threaten his wife. I love how she is his wife when she is in trouble, but whenever he is with Carly she's just that lady he can no longer be with. MAKE UP YOUR MIND BO! Yes Hope is still his wife, but Bo just sucks and I will criticize every little thing he does and says!

Vivian says she may have to teach "you" a lesson. I am going to guess she means Maggie because Victor is all up in Maggie's business! Whatever! Vivian cannot stop the love train that is Maggie and Victor from happening. Best storyline on the show and the best written story currently on! They should be on more with their banter!

Rafe tels Sami that congratulations are in order. Sami looks surprised that Rafe found out as if Rafe has never found out she was hiding something before. You always get caught, and now you have Rafe even more pissed at you. Way to go Sami! She might be the queen of screwups and knock ups.

Guiding Hope...Through Processing Because the Bitch is Going To Jail

Roman comes over and tells Sami that Dick is alive and Hope was the mugger. Roman thinks Sami is a moron for considering EJ's proposal. Don't we all? Meanwhile EJ is visiting with Dick to make a deal keeping Nicole's name out of everything. Turns out Dick is a SAFE fan and cannot believe Sami and EJ are together. He lectures Sami about how EJ just sucks. Obviously Sami won't listen and her and EJ continue to bond over their children that they never pay attention to. Cannot wait for Rafe to bust EJ's bubble because this story has been going on for over a year and a half. I'm DONE!

Brady is drinking tons of booze and Arianna and Melanie try to stop him. RUDE! He informs them that Hope was the mugger and we should all feel bad for Hope and Ciara. However, I am not sure why I should feel bad for Hope really, but whatever helps the Days writers sleep at night I guess. The ONLY thing this scene did for me was want Melanie and Brady to get together at some point since Arianna is going to be gone soon. IS this weird? I think they have a cute understanding for one another, even when Brady is in a drunken rage. Really he and Justin are just pissed they got their asses kicked by Hope of all people.

Carly is trying to figure out what is going on and the last person who knows is Julie, who wants NOTHING to do with Carly clearly. She gives her the brush off and says she has no idea what's going on but Hope is with Bo. Julie really knows how to play obnoxious busy body really well. Hope is crying the whole episode saying she has to pay for what she's done and the people's she hurt. Carly and Justin come by and they both learn from Bo and Hope the story of nighttime Hope. They look as bored as I did when i watched it. Carly BLAMES HERSELF OF COURSE!Then she proceeds to fish for an I love you from Bo after she tells him Hope and Bo will get through this together. Carly 2.0 really needs to be rebooted into an ass kicking Carly 2.0 Redux! Justin tells Hope what to do, but she does not listen because she is quite frankly an asshole. Carly turns to Melanie, who actually provides her mother with some much needed love and bonding time. Melanie thinks her mother is being too hard on herself.....ya think?! Finally the episode ends with Hope being arrested, fingerprinted, and then a mugshot. The mugshot is fabulous and I might put it on my Xmas cards this year...HOWEVER, it is really annoying how Hope commits a crime and NO ONE yells at her yet....until tomorrow.

Previews: Chad tells Stefano he'd like to talk to him about his mom. Yes, the PROSTITUTE! Stefano loves talking prostitutes so this should be fun. Okay not really, but any screentime for Chad is a good thing considering this story has ACTUAL potential to be interesting if the writers don't screw it up. Also, EJ is being not so evil, and Chad might be able to pick up the DiMera slack.

Sami tells EJ she doesn't think she will ever be able to forgive herself. Whatever, Sami always forgives herself. It's how she always ends up getting into even more trouble. What she should really do is take care of her kids, stop having children for a bit, and get a damn job!

Arianna yells at Hope that she wants her to pay for what she did. Figures the one person who finally yells at Hope is LEAVING the show! If she really wants to make her pay she should shove a Big Mac down Hope's throat and then make her eat White Castle. That will tear a bitch's insides up!

The Young Middle Easterner and the Restless Whore

The whole episode takes place at the police station and St. Mary's practically. Hope admits that she is the mugger, even though Dick tries to stop her. She admits she knows Dick, and everyone is shocked that Hope has seen DICK! The Dick jokes just keep coming. Roman thinks he has caught the mugger and doesn't understand why Hope is confessing. Apparently they never taught confessions to Roman in the police academy. Brady beats up Dick during Hope's confession, and Nicole tries to stop him, but admits nothing about her part in everything. Doug, Julie, and Caroline all stay with Ciara. They are wondering what the hell is going on, but they all agree that this is Carly's fault. She even got Hope to turn to drugs. DAMN THAT CARLY MANNING!Roman forgives Hope for mugging him after they watch her "I did it with my Bumpit" video. Bo wants to arrest Dick for the crimes, but Hope turns herself in and he arrests her for her crimes. She should get the death penalty for making us watch this stupid storyline and her bony ass butt. Brady also rudely ends things with Nicole again, throwing her around as she screams that she loves him. When a guy has sex with you and then throws you to the ground....YOU DO NOT BEG HIM TO TAKE YOU BACK! Brady also informs us what a "true whore" is...I was flattered he mentioned me. My favorite part of the episode: The 24 style ending with boxes of Hope, Bo, and Ciara's faces....it was tacky yet...okay no it was just tacky.

Carly says that Daniel cannot talk to the patient because.....she is MIDDLE EASTERN!Guess what Carly also seems to know the language! Wow who knew Carly Manning spoke Arabic, it is like we learn something knew everyday! Daniel and Melanie buy her lies, while Chloe is still hiding behind that damn curtain. Daniel and Melanie are confused because they did not know Carly works with immigrants...is Carly racist and no one knew? Chloe thanks Carly for lying and we learn Chloe will find out the paternity of her baby on her birthday. It is the gift that keeps on giving! Carly hates lying but she will keep doing it, even though its getting harder now that Melanie won't shut up about how great her mom is. Melanie gets offered a job at St. Mary's but turns it down to work with her fabulous parents....which is foreshadowing that it IS NOT CARLY AND DANIEL! Chloe sneaks out of her room, thinks she forgets her phone, but then remembers she has it...God I wish this was a joke. She runs into Daniel and he falls for her lies because he is dumber than usual.

Previews: Sami yells at Dick that he set them up that sick bastard. So he gave you a dying baby big deal! Okay that actually is a big deal..punch him Sami!

Hope tells Justin that she deserves to suffer for what she's done. Yes she deserves to suffer for not eating and offending my eyes. I'm still rooting for a prison yard storyline where she gets her ass kicked by a big bitch named Lily. A Dainty name for a big woman.

Brady yells at Arianna to give him a drink! Okay he must be dumb because if you want booze you go to Nicole, not Arianna. So Brady falls off the wagon because Nicole lies to him again. If he does this every time she lied he would die of alcohol poisoning.

General Hospital Curtain!

Hope cries, and cries, and then cries some more but doesn't really tell Ciara anything but Goodbye.....Mommy's going to the slammer WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. The whole episode Bo and Hope hug the little creeper who does not get what the hell her mother is talking about. As if this child had not been through enough, now her mother has emotionally scarred her some more. Julie shows up and has no idea WTF is going on. Hope explains NOTHING and just says this is all her fault, but Julie blames Bo...she is the smart one in the family. Bo takes Hope to the station, where everyone stares at Hope and that God awful Bumpit.

Brady is angry at Nicole about the money thing, and yelling at her while she is half naked. Can either Brady take his clothes off or have Nicole put some on because this is just unbalanced! Angry Brady is so much more interesting than horny nice Brady. Also, I think he is smarter after sex, just a theory. So Nicole spends the whole time saying she can explain, but um does NOT explain. Brady takes her to the police station to admit how she got the money in the illegal account. At the station Nicole sees Dick...the guy not the ya know, and Roman and Brady can tell she is lying about not knowing he was alive. Before there can be an explanation Hope and Bo walk in, Dick says Hope, Nicole is like WTF is Hope wearing a bumpit for, and Hope wants to cry some more. It's been a busy day people.

Now the hospital incident...Oh LORD! One must ask themselves did Nadia Bjorlin practice on her curtains at home. Daniel tries to pull back the curtain but Chloe holds onto it for dear life, possibly peeing and pooing in the process. Chloe mouths OH GOD more times then she has in all of her sex scenes. Carly is wondering what the hell Melanie is doing there and how in the hell everyone in the damn hospital has the last name SCOTT! Melanie suspects her mother is hiding something, and Carly lies to Daniel some more telling him about the patient mix up and how her patient doesn't speak English. CAN THIS GET ANY CRAZIER?! Daniel does his consult, Chloe feels guilty, and Melanie doesn't get what the hell is going on. Daniel wants to apologize to "Dana", and Carly tries to stop him again while Chloe is back behind the damn curtain again!

Previews: Chloe asks Carly if she is going to back out of their deal. Well she just told Daniel you are a non English speaking Whore who needs a paternity test...telling the truth now would be STUPID! Carly and Chloe are lying so much that they are going to get caught in the dumbest way possible and everyone is going to hate them again. Unfortunately, I will have lost interest by then!

Melanie says she doesn't believe her. Assuming she means Carly, and its amazing that Melanie knows her mother so well now that she can tell when she is lying. AMAZING! Everyone is starting to like Carly which means she is soooooo screwed once the truth comes out. SCREWED! and not in a good Nicole in a motel room sort of way!

Hope tells everyone she was behind the muggings. Roman looks upset that Hope took him in a fight but let's face it most of the women in town can. Brady is also trying to figure out how Hope reached the top of his head when she is so much shorter than him. TONS of questions but they are mostly directed at Hope's weight and bumpit anyway.

All My Rough Sex

Hope finds out that she is guilty of the muggings and of trying to kill Bo. Wow...whoever thought this was a good storyline idea...should be forced to watch it on repeat for an entire year! We may have found the perfect thing as a substitute for torture in Guantanamo Bay. She watches the video of herself and learns that she is thinner than she thought, but of course she still won't eat. Hopefully she goes to jail and gets beat up in the yard, gains 30 pounds and comes back as the old Hope. Hope is tired of hurting people and she knows what to do...however she took no consideration when it came to my eyes.

Phillip and Nathan spend time together...new couple? Thanks for this pointless fake friendship. Stephanie thinks Phil is hiding something...out of everyone it is HER who figures this out...righttttttttt. Yes this is highly probable, and perhaps Stephanie should work for the police and FBI and figure more stuff out.

Carly takes Chloe to St. Mary's for her paternity test. FIELD TRIP!!! Chloe asks Carly to be the godmother of the baby....because she did such a great job of abandoning her children and as Brady's godmother. The fact that these two are bonding so quickly is amazing since it took Melanie and Carly SIX MONTHS to start bonding. Carly runs into someone who looks amazingly like Melanie from behind for help..OH WAIT IT IS YOUR DAUGHTER FROM BEHIND!! Daniel is there to see Donna Scott, not Dana Scott which is Chloe's alias. Carly clearly came up with that name and of course the files get mixed up and Daniel ends up in Chloe's room. Daniel introduced himself and Chloe freaks the fuck out. Apparently hiding directly behind the curtain is the only thing she can think of.

Dick is at the police station and somehow able to use his cell phone. Roman recognizes him from somewhere and Roman is a moron so that in itself is amazing. Nicole agrees to take care of Dick, while Brady goes through Nicole's financial stuff. When she returns she lies to him some more, so Brady decides its time to throw Nicole around in the sexual sense. The clothes come off, there is some dry humping, and some mouth covering. It would have been porn but there was no cheesy music as usual and I was disappointed. However Brady was shirtless and mean...he is smooth. After it is over he is really rude and Nicole is confused, but Brady says he hopes she enjoyed that because they are over! Well, I would have enjoyed that thanks!

Previews: Daniel says that he really needs to open this curtain. First off no one ever says that. Secondly, Chloe holds onto the curtain for dear life to the point she may have crapped herself. The look of fear on her face is comical as well as amazing since a damn curtain is separating them!

Nicole screams why she would lie because she didn't do anything. I love people who lie about lying and then get caught in more lies. Brady is so angry though he should "forgive" her, have rough sex with her AGAIN, and then dump her again.

Hope tells Ciara that she did something wrong....aside from giving birth to Ciara and dropping 80 pounds?

One Bo to Stab

I'm backkkkkkkkk and I'm about to tear a hole into this show!! Kind of like Hope trying to stab Bo throughout the whole show. Hope does not know how to handle a knife, probably because she doesn't eat or cook anything. She tries to stab Bo repeatedly but cannot seem to grasp the concept that you aim for the body and not the air surrounding him. She even has soundtrack music to stab to, which is a man wailing...but not Bo?! Bo finally grabs her and handcuffs her to the chair. He tapes her confessing to the muggings and trying to set him on fire. She hates him, but loves him, and he loves her. Just wait until she seems all that mascara she has on, she'll scream. She falls asleep and finally the crazy bitch shuts up.

Rafe questions Fay, who has burned everything that Nicole sent her. So Fay destroys all of Nicole's blackmail evidence. Rafe is left with a pile of garbage to sort through. Do I even need to address the monumental waste of time? Rafe literally stands around looking dumb and accomplishing nothing every week. Has he considered dating Chloe?

Melanie surprises Chloe at her place and tells her how she wants a kid too. Great the way she is bossing around Chloe, she's going to steal this kid and raise it as her own. And if Phillip is the daddy technically she is also the step mommy! Melanie introduces the new nurse Kathleen to her parents, and brags about them...has she met them? She talks about how great Dr. Manning and Dr. Jonas are. Yeah they aren't that special. Kathleen might end up dating Daniel though if Melanie is lucky. Carly takes DNA from them both, and they should have done this MONTHS ago to prove Melanie was her kid. Carly is LYING to everyone again, and she feels guilty. She is also realizing how screwed she is if Melanie and Daniel found out she is lying again. Carly arranges for Chloe's paternity test at St. Mary's while Dan and Melanie plan to go there. COINCIDENCE!! This NEVER happens on soap operas.

Nicole and Brady have lots of sex. Also they are naked during this sex...just thought I'd share that. Dick gets arrested and calls Nicole for help. While Nicole is gone, Brady gets a phone call from Nicole's bank and finds information about Nicole having lots of money. This is Brady so he will not figure anything out tomorrow. It will take a few more hours or even days. Also, while Brady shirtless is great, I worry he will catch a cold. Nicole gives Dick money and thinks she is home free....which means she is screwed!

Previews: Melanie tells Daniel that Chloe is keeping a secret. I bet Melanie thinks Chloe has fake boobs and is worried about nursing. Okay Mel unfortunately Chloe's boobs are real and they are fabulous. We all have to come to terms with this one.

Brady asks Nicole where she got all this money. I would just lie and say I took it to the track or that I was working the streets with Kate. Either way this is Brady we are dealing with so it doesn't matter what you say..he'll believe anything.

Hope says to Bo that she would never hurt anyone. Well technically she did not really hurt Bo, but she may have hurt the other men by giving them headaches. Okay I'm rethinking this. She should really say, "I never ate anything" because we all know that at least is the truth. Best advise for Hope right now: Number 2 supersized.