All My Dick Jokes.

Carly decides that she WILL NOT tell Daniel about the Chloe affair, but she urges Chloe to tell the truth regardless. However this doesn't last long dammit. Melanie tells her mommy, who she really gets along with lately, that she does not want Chloe and her Daddy getting married. She thinks Chloe's boobs, no wait her EYES, are distracting. See as a lady I find Chloe's tan distracting. If that wasn't enough Kate then decides to inform Carly about how big a whore Chloe is. Carly then freaks out and scares the crap out of Chloe, telling her she is going to tell Daniel if Chloe does not. Lovely how this all happened in one episode, yet still wasted our time. Perfect! Notice how she DOES NOT really focus on the fact that Hope hates her again! Interesting!

Unfortunately all THAT was the exciting part of the episode. Yes...THAT!

Nathan turns down a important position in the Johns Hopkins medical program. Why? Because he wants to stay in Salem with Stephanie. No you didn't read that wrong people. Nathan is an idiot who stayed in town to be with the boring Stephanie....and probably just to stare at Melanie. This guy cannot get any more sad.

Nicole basically annoys Brady the whole episode following him around Nicole is never THIS annoying and pathetic and its really sad she chases Brady this way. He wants her to get lost and visit Arianna but Nicole keeps getting in his way. Nicole then gets confronted by Baker who wants to leave town and wants cash from Nicole. Okay I can't handle anymore Dick jokes...alright who am I kidding. Keep up the Dick jokes!

SeeWhoreA is everywhere!! She knows what Carly catching a bouquet means, and then jacks the bouquet somehow later on. She insists that her mother is a big or THIN liar. She tells Vivian she is pretty, and Justin takes her away. Put her in an institution for that reason alone! Bo and Hope discuss why on earth SeeWhoreA would lie. Even Bo thinks its dumb at this point, and suggests they look under the bed. Wow it only took them two whole weeks to decide to do that. They find Hope's box, which has been missing since that acid vat incident if you ask me.

Other things that happened this episode, but not huge deals: Phil and Chloe discuss their sex again. Can we get more flashbacks of this because we haven't had enough? What we NEED more of is Victor and Maggie. Their flirting continues, and Victor comforts her when she misses Mickey. Phil and Steph discuss her baby scheme, while Nathan and Mel discuss Johns Hopkins stupidity. EJ is hired as Arianna's lawyer because he is the smartest person in town all of a sudden next to Melanie. Yes, I never thought I'd say that either. She gives him a dollar and he is hired! I will give EJ a dollar to shut up just so I could stare at him shirtless all day. How about that? Brady walks in on them and is wondering why there is hand holding.

Previews: Carly freaks and yells at Chloe that she has to tell Daniel tonight. Oh butt out Manning! Couldn't they have made this a way better storyline? This would be a better plan if Carly told Melanie and Kate what had happened and they all went to burn Chloe at the stake! Had Carly TOLD someone else this would have been more fun. Hell let's even invite Nathan to join and bring the matches! And for the love of God, get Carly some good clothes.

Nicole wants to know who Baker's partner is. Dick has a partner? Okay this joke might be pushing boundaries. I'm not going there because I know Days will steal my Dick jokes. I'm not touching Dick....jokes.

EJ tells Arianna that he knows she is innocent. Well, yeah because she is not bright enough to pull this all off. Plus, EJ read NBC.com's list of character's and their descriptions and he knows that Arianna is not considered a villain on the show. Also, I'm convinced EJ reads Soap Opera Digest because he's been on the cover two weeks in a row and has plans.

The Booze and the Best Wedding Ever!

So Days was preempted yesterday and yesterday's episode is shown today! Honestly thank GOD that someone made this decision because this episode was probably the BEST and FUNNIEST episode of Days that I have seen in a long time.

Maggie tries to get Victor to run away but its too late. Victor is marrying Vivian because he has to keep his word in order to protect his family. Everyone wants to leave but Maggie convinces everyone to stay because it would ruin Vivian's plan to separate Victor from his loved ones. Okay over the course of the hour we were treated to the best eye rolling, disgusted faces, giggles, and snarky jokes I have ever seen on ONE episode of the show. Since so much happened at this party I will describe some highlights.

The Ex Wives of Victor Photo: Nicole gathers herself, Vivian, Kate, and Carly for a photo op that Victor cannot wait to display in his Den. Four bitter women and booze just made the Real Housewives of Victor a pretty good webseries idea! Also, the four ladies had flashbacks to their weddings. Kate misses Victor, Nicole wanted to puke, Carly was disgusted with her wedding dress and Victor, and Vivian cried.

BOOZE: The booze was flowing at this wedding! Nicole had about 4 Martinis and some champagne. Also Nicole and Kate were getting along because they couldn't help laughing at the situation. I still think it was the BOOZE! Victor got in on the action when he stopped the ceremony for some Scotch.

Bad Wedding memories: Who doesn't love snarky comments about past bad weddings? Chloe remembered being poisoned by Kate, Shootings on the roof were brought up, now this is real love!

Melanie HATES Chloe: I just found a new reason to love Melanie. She does not like Chloe. She realizes that Chloe is all wrong for her dad, and can you blame the girl? Chloe is acting like a cray cray! She freaks out when Daniel announces that they are getting married very soon. Bo even tries to get on Melanie's side when he tells her the Vivian/Victor wedding is his fault. Phillip has his flashback sex, and someone needs to get him some porn to distract him from that. Melanie is going to have an interesting couple of months!!

Now unfortunately I have to get back to the rest of the episode. Okay then....

Rafe. Rafe gets a dangerous cellmate who might kill him. Wow this has promise. Okay no it doesn't because it is Shane Donovan. Mr. Sheffield is in jail for trying to assassinate the President. Whateverrr. The best part is how shocked he is that Sami had another baby! Yeah Shane she just never stops!

Hope and SeeWhoreA are still arguing over that damn treasure box that is under her bed. First off how amazing is it that Hope holds on to those ice skates the entire conversation. She knows her kid is crazy and will use them as weapons. Secondly, just LOOK under your damn bed already! She arrives at the mansion and someone wasn't invited to the wedding!! No presents for Vivian! She walks in to see Vivian throw the bouquet and Carly catching it. Bo is probably shitting his pants in the other room.

Previews: Nathan doesn't want to give up John Hopkins just to be with Steph. Well WOW. That is a strong declaration of love right there. In Fact, I say run out and screw his brains out Steph! JFC Nathan needs a chick manual. These two are so wrong for one another, and its starting to make me very resentful that ANY woman, even Stephanie, would put up with this crap.

Chloe tells Carly that she is trying to ruin her life and Daniel's life. Well if Salem wasn't so boring, and Carly had a better storyline than MAYBE this wouldn't be the case Chloe. Unfortunately, you have a big mouth and Carly knows everything so she has to ruin your life so that her life looks better than yours. Plus its not like she is a Doctor or anything and in a relationship to be bothered with you. No wait....she is a Doctor, and she has a job, a new kid, um friends now...... Wait why is Carly doing this?

EJ says that if she will have him, he will be Arianna's lawyer. So he is now defending the woman who MIGHT have mugged him. Obviously EJ has half a brain and can tell Ari was framed. Also, I have been saying these two should at least do it for months now! This leads me to believe I am RIGHT and they will hook up at least once. Does DAYS read my stuff? Hmmmm only time will tell.

Text Messages of Our Lives

Okay this is a special episode because almost all our characters are in the SAME place at the same time!! PARTY!!

Vivian texted the whole damn town to come to her spontaneous wedding, under the guise of Victor being in trouble. Confused as to why she invited people she hates like Kate, but whatever bring on the drunks! Victor is NOT happy at all about the whole thing and everyone else looks like they are trying to not laugh their asses off. Maggie wants Victor to call it off, and their relationship actually makes me happy. Its so rare on this show! Carly wants Bo to let his dad off the hook, but he reminds her Vivian is a huge problem. Carly tells Bo that MURDER IS WRONG!!! um, Lawrence Alamain? Do we remember him Carly? Daniel and Chloe are talking about their wedding, and not about how she cheated on Danny....with Phillip, not because she went tanning without him.

Okay listen I'm just waiting for the grand EXES of Victor Photo op with Nicole, Vivian, Kate, and Carly. This is going to be AMAZING people because its hysterical they are all in the same room and are getting along. Plus they are all drinkers which tells you how Victor likes his women.

Sami has a fun episode today. Kate tells her why she sucks as a mom, which is great because Kate got rid of all her kids and OWNS it. She tells Sami she is losing Will to Stefano and maybe that is a good thing because Sami can barely dress herself let alone take care of her kids. Then Sami has to deal with Caroline "I am a hypocrite Christian boozer" Brady. Caroline wants Sami out of that house but its not happening soon. Caroline decides that praying for Stefano to die is the best course of action. Very Christian of you Caroline!! Maybe you should get yourself a man and mind your business.

Will and Stefano bond!! He calls him Guglielmo, which is William in Italian but probably the most embarrassing thing ever! Will lets him know that the Italian nicknames do not work for him. Stefano is wearing his leather jacket and trying to be hip. Its so sad yet hysterical all at the same time. Chad comes in and its like Stefano has little minions in training. Madeline comes in and freaks out like most women in this damn town. She tells Stefano she has a tape she will use against him. My question: Why does Stefano LET this woman have something over him? Was she that good a prostitute?

Boozer of the Day: Kate for drinking a Martini at 10am which is clearly happy hour. And while she was drinking she still had to school Sami on all things Chanel!

Previews: Hope and SeeWhoreA argue over whether mommy has a treasure box or not. Most mothers would go to the bed and SHOW their kids there is nothing there. Maybe if Hope ate something she would be brilliant enough to come up with this genius plan I just had. Yes your child is cray cray but at least prove that she is a little creeper!

Victor asks Vivian if she wants a wedding or not. Well that just screams ROMANCE! Seriously I love Vivian and Victor but why on earth does she have to marry him? They are JUST friends and its not like he won't give her shit. She is going to get all jealous of Maggie which is interesting because I am already picturing the cat fights in my mind that will never take place on this show.

Rafe picks up his cellmate and says its YOU! You is Shane Donovan. Sorry if you are spoiled but I mean really......is it that shocking? It's Mr. Sheffield from the Nanny for anyone not aware of Shane. Also, who cares that Shane is back? Until Kim comes back and then MAYBE we can have fond memories of when the show was fun to watch!

One Text Message to Everyone

The Days hair department must have gotten a raise. GOOD HAIR DAY!! And we don't count Vivian because its a cray cray choice with that character.

Carly is still horny after having sex with Bo the night before. Like HORNY HORNY! Salem must be so boring there is nothing or no one else to do. She also apparently raided Chloe's closet and is wearing a dress. WOW. Hope and the Little Devil interrupt them. Carly leaves and Bo and Hope discuss their evil spawn and her problems. Bo learns from the little creeper that Mommy has a treasure box. Bo looks as freaked out about his kid as we are. Her cray cray overwhelms him. Luckily he gets a text about Victor and neglects his daughter.

While Carly is not being Horny she butts into Chloe's love life. Chloe and Daniel have the same exact conversation they always have. This time Chloe does a 180...yes I am stealing lines from the show...and blames herself for all her problems. She even defends Carly at one point....whatever pills she taking, I WANT SOME! So Chloe and Daniel accomplish nothing the whole episode. Carly asks if she told Daniel the truth and she can tell Chloe is still lying. Carly threatens to tell Daniel if she does not. Daniel overhears them but gets a text about Victor. There is a theme here....

Ari is in jail and all the evidence proves she is guilty. Funny how that works out. She has had it with Brady not believing her, and I've had it with her storyline. She makes him leave, and then has to deal with Hope who is no comfort whatsoever. Hope says she understands why Ari would do it, overlooking the fact the girl is still saying she is innocent. Hope is such a good listener, especially with her cray cray child who has told her 5 times that she keeps a box under her bed. GO LOOK!

Nicole is trying to do a story on Arianna but Phillip tells her to cut her shit. She and Melanie get into a little bitchfest, but Nicole ends up doing a piece in favor of Arianna. Melanie loves her husband for fixing everything and she still doesn't realize he made a stupid mistake named Chloe. They are going to have sex, but GUESS WHAT?? He gets a text about Victor. Nicole and Brady discuss Arianna's problems, and Brady is still so slow that he does not get what Nicole is doing. Luckily for Brady he gets a text about Victor.....hmm I'm going to guess something is up with Victor.

Vivian is upset because Victor has gas. Victor makes it clear he does not want to marry Vivian, but he is a man of his word. She thinks they are perfect for one another, but apparently the "I hate Carly" bond they both have is not enough to commit. Vivian cares for Victor and he admits they have a certain something, but he still has gas. Vivian gets the gas and she hears a THUD. The episode ends with Vivian teary eyed......however, she is clearly texting everyone. My question: Who taught Vivian how to text on person let alone the whole town?

Previews: Vivian is sad and says she didn't want it to happen this way. Maybe Victor passed out in the bathroom because his gas was so bad. Indigestion is serious business folks! Maggie needs to smuggle Victor out of the country or something.

Bo is concerned about Victor. Since when? You know if it wasn't for Bo poor Victor would not be in this mess. Does he really have to marry Vivian? Can't he just lock her up in a cellar or have her deported? There are other ways to get rid of the weirdo. Bring IVAN back!

Stefano and Will are bonding. Stefano says to Will not to get mad and to get even!! I LOVE that Stefano and Will are becoming close. Will hasn't had a stable guy in his life and Stefano actually seems to like Will. Sure Stefano is evil but you know what, Will needs to toughen up considering his parents are so messed up themselves. This is becoming cute and can lead to so many things down the road. I APPROVE! .....it was bound to happen eventually.

The Wine and the Restless

Today's episode is sponsored in part by WINE and BOOZE. Almost everyone was drinking, and the people who weren't really needed a shot!

Carly is going to tattle on Chloe!!! Great another reason to dislike Carly, how many more do we need? Okay, it makes sense that she would want to tell Daniel but, this is seriously how you go about getting buried alive again. Stay out of other people's business and worry about your own life. Try that for one day! Carly is sad that she has ugly luggage and luckily Bo is there to have sex with. In fact, Carly FINALLY gets drunk and does something interesting. Perhaps this is a Carly turning point. Her and Bo finish a bottle of wine and drunkenly cannot find the other's buttons in order to have sex. We don't get the hot Phillip/Chloe action here because those two clearly handle their liquor better.

Daniel tells Bo how his stupid plan of having Carly move in didn't work. He tells Chloe that he wants to move the wedding day up. How does this fix their problems? Chloe wants to tell him the truth but he keeps interrupting her. Even he is tired of hearing her cry and whine. Daniel just wants Chloe to say YES to marrying him.....since when does Chloe say No? Yes, she said it last week but it was a fluke. She agrees to marry Daniel sooner rather than later. Hope Daniel can perform emergency DNA tests when this baby is born.

Rafe gets arrested for poisoning Anna, when really he should have been arrested for harassing her. Stefano is behind the whole thing. If you ask me, Rafe got what he deserved for being a moron. Anna finally wakes up to say EJ but NO ONE hears her confess he was the culprit. Also, we learn that Rafe is the cure for insomnia along with other characters. He dreams that he tells Sami he loves her. Notice there are no children and she has on a new outfit....yep a DREAM!

Which brings me to Ari and Brady!!! Okay Ari got framed, Nicole did the framing. Brady learns that Ari was in a gang, or in reality dated the gang leader. This girl knows how to pick em! Nicole warns Baker that the muggings have to stop, but he knows that will be a problem. Hope will have to deal with that eventually, but right now she has the little cyco SeeWhoreA on her hands. The little devil got into mom's wallet collection. Perhaps the nanny should be using restraints with that kid. The DNA tests reveal it was Arianna, and Brady is confused, which makes Arianna freak out. Unfortunately, the story is still lame.

Sami and EJ ALMOST kiss. Like they were so close and then DAMMIT! Stefano interrupts them and even I am annoyed. The faster they get together, then the bigger the fall out when she finds out he is an asshole. Or was an asshole, whatever you want to believe. Stefano applauds EJ for the way he is handling the situation, but THEN agrees with ME that this is going soooooo slow! Stefano wants EJ to hurry up and explain how he feels. Sami cannot sleep especially since we keep having to hear Sydney cry on the baby monitor. Was that necessary? Also, she comes down for some wine to help her sleep. At least she isn't popping pills like Hope. She tells EJ that she is in love with Rafe and wants a life with him. Okay Rafe is a boring moron, and its obvious you are obsessed with the British dude! Just be dumb, take EJ back, and then realize you have been a moron all along. Also, dump the robe Sami.

Previews: Brady asks Ari if she was set up. Um, she has been saying she is innocent so YES BRADY that is what that all implies. When someone says they are innocent and their DNA is everywhere, they have been set up! Now if only you can realize that Nicole has tried to ruin your love life a thousand times by doing shady shit. He needs to watch old episodes of Days.

Nicole is on the phone saying that Ari is guilty as sin. I like Nicole, and I am glad her plan worked, HOWEVER, this plan is beneath her and of course she will just get screwed over in the end. Let's realize that Brady is NOT for you and you need a guy with at least half a brain cell to date you. Please go annoy EJ because he at least deserves to be tortured.

Chloe tells Daniel its all her fault. Maybe she spilled the tanning lotion. She does that. Also, what happened to blaming everything on Carly?? She even told Carly she was going to tell Danny that she cheated all because of her. Did it make sense?? NOOOOOOO but its fun blaming Carly Manning for everything!! Let's face it people...even Carly hates Carly. However, this does not excuse Chloe from being a huge airhead when Daniel would forgive her no matter what she did. She could have lit an orphanage on fire and Daniel would take her back.

Guiding Anna...Through Rafe's Screaming

Will and Stefano are friends!! No this is not a joke, and its the fabulous truth. TEAM WILLFANO! Sami yells at Will for his bad grades, and then EJ gets on his case. Lucky for Will, Stefano offers the solution of fixing his grades for him. Side note: Will mentioned that Rafe was the reason for his good grades.....seriously Days? If Rafe is good at Algebra then Chloe is becoming a nun. Sami and EJ worry that Stefano wants to mentor Will, and they should be! Will has already cut his hair and he thinks Stefano is awesome! Look out Salem!! New Will is amazing!! Oh yeah by the way EJ and Sami are about to kiss. Ten bucks says something interrupts them...AGAIN!

Rafe is on this episode hovering over Anna. Nothing happens! Rafe just shouts at the poor woman in bed and I hope Leann wore ear plugs. Stefano tells EJ that he took care of Anna even though Rafe found her. He would never kill Anna, just put her in a little coma. That was sweet of him. Anna finally wakes up at the end and hopefully she is packing a weapon to stab Rafe with.

Melanie and Stephanie are still fighting. Had Melanie gone for the bumpit Stephanie would have lost. Maggie and a nurse separate them and Maggie wants to know what the hell happened. Melanie doesn't tell her anything good and Maggie should be Mayor of the town because she puts bitches in their place! Melanie tells Phillip what Stephanie is doing and he thinks she is a moron too. After the 90th flashback to Chloe sex, he decides to reward his wife for her honesty and takes her upstairs to do it! Across town Stephanie is having sex with Nathan...yet is having Melanie flashbacks during sex because Nathan is THAT good.

Daniel confronts Phillip about the Vivian and Victor dinner, and he wonders if Phillip can help him with Chloe. Going to your son in law who used to have sex with your girlfriend is never a good idea. Daniel is consistent though and goes to the next person who can obviously help....FATHER MATT?! Well actually Father Matt knows Chloe reallllllyyyyyy well. In the biblical sense and everything! Also, I realized Daniel has no man friends!! He should get some dudes together and ask their advice. My advice: dumb the scary bitch who is good in bed and sleep around like you used to until you figure out that you love her again and then sleep with her like nothing happened.

Chloe tells Nathan off and brings up Melanie stupidly. Nathan has no clue what Melanie has to do with anything, but he finally realizes that Chloe is a cray cray lost cause. Next time someone offers you sex therapy...TAKE IT CHLOE! Carly returns after Nathan leaves and says she heard everything.....yeah she really didn't. Carly Manning is a big liar! Chloe starts screaming that IT WAS JUST ONE TIME!! Carly is like HUH? WHAT? Somehow Carly puts it together that Chloe has just admitted that she cheated on Daniel. Maybe Carly should be a cop because it only took her one commercial break to figure everything out!

Previews: EJ yells at Stefano that he thought the Anna crap was over. Trust us EJ, we wish it was over too. James Scott may ad lib a confession to Sami with the amount of time this storyline has taken to play out. Just let him get busted already so we can move on with our lives.

Hope asks Brady if he knew about Ari's record. Doesn't the whole damn town know by now that this girl was in jail for drug dealing? Seriously, love the fact that one of the tiniest, innocent looking people survived a women's prison. Yeah, right! That girl would not last a week in the joint with her crying.

Carly tells Chloe that she wants her to tell Daniel the truth. Okay Carly is so nosy and had no right going to talk to Chloe in the first place. And if you are going to eavesdrop listen to the WHOLE conversation. The reason people hate Carly: She puts herself in these STUPID positions! Like Carly is really going to get Chloe to tell the truth. Rightttt! Carly is terrified of Caroline Brady, she cannot take on cray cray Chloe!

General Sex Therapy!

BO is back! Yeah the only person who cares is Carly. He tries to have sex with her even though she is wearing that hideous outfit. Maybe that was his plan to get her out of it. Anyway she brings up the ultimate turn off: Roman! UGH. Bo sees Hope at the hospital and its awkward staring time. Hope says she missed Bo, and poor Carly stands in the background playing with her own hands and acting like she got cramps.

There is so much evidence against Arianna now that it seems that she even thinks she did it. Nicole did such a great job framing her that the police are amazed they might actually solve this. Hope questions Ari and Brady thinks this whole thing is nuts. Hope wants a DNA sample from Ari. Okay normally when people are guilty they do not just hand over their DNA. That would be the FIRST clue that this girl was framed. Can we get her FBI brother's friends on this case? It clearly is having global ramifications. Nicole is watching this all and its still confusing why she gets to follow Arianna around wherever she goes.

Chloe had an active day....just not sexually active. She doesn't tell Daniel anything. She decides that lying is her best option. Phillip calls her annoyed that she is acting like a cray cray. She thinks everything will be fine, and oh yeah Nathan Knows!!! Phillip is livid and possibly plotting Chloe's assassination attempt in his mind. The girl don't shut up about their affair, but she wants it to be a secret. Nathan thinks Chloe needs sex therapy....yeah don't we all! Chloe suggests Nathan thinks she is a slut....no EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE A WHORE. Chloe starts yelling so loud that she decides the door needs to be open when she shouts about sex therapy....and Carly hears everything. In fact Carly looks into the apartment with that "hmmm what's going on over here, your storyline looks more interesting" look!

Melanie decided that today would be Butt into everyone's business day. First, she wanted Nathan's opinion on Chloe. When he didn't say anything worthwhile she decided hmmm who can I bug now? DADDY!!! She sees Daniel at the hospital and asks to talk to him about HIS love life. WHAT?? That's so awkward. She wants to know if Chloe makes him happy...I think she meant to ask "Dad besides the hot sex why are you with Chloe who is about 5 years older than me on Days time?" Daniel just has the most charming women around him...I mean, really. Next Melanie decides HEY let's see if Steph is packing the birth control pills. Hopefully Stephanie does not take that YAZ shit. Steph and Mel have it out over Stephanie's purse.....a cheap Target bag thank God.

Things are missing from this recap like Baker, Nathan, Carly, Nicole, Brady, Arianna, and etc shit! NOTHING was of importance and it was mostly looks they all gave throughout the show that look like either someone farted in the room or they were trying to divide large numbers.

Previews: Daniel asks Phillip how he could do something like that. Actually this is a continuation of a scene that was on today at the end of the show. Daniel is talking about having dinner with Vivian and Victor, all while Phillip is thinking Daniel knows everything. Phillip is going to pee his pants.

Chloe tells Nathan that he thinks he has a shot with Melanie. UGH. Seriously I don't care if Nathan knows about the affair, but does Chloe really have to bring up Melanie. Let's get back to the sex therapy sessions....which are probably run by Father Matt.

Melanie is with Maggie asking Stephanie if she wants to explain herself. Okay call me crazy but does Melanie really have ANY proof that Stephanie is trying to get pregnant. Its possible to lose your birth control! Stephanie is just giving herself away with the not drinking and the jumping on top of her purse. Melanie should have just told Nathan what happened, and then Stephanie would have been caught in a lie. DONE PERIOD FINISHED! Hopefully this storyline does not last all summer.