The Nothing and the Even More Nothing

Okay the show seriously bored me today, and the free Chinese food plug did not help. On a side note: Rafe and Sami get horny when they eat orange chicken..DISCUSS! This is the short short version.

EJ is lying and faking amnesia....BITCH! Lexie is also being annoying because she is pretending to be a good bad doctor. It does not suit her and she needs to have her annual 3 year affair on Abe.

Vivian is starting to smell and Nicole finds out she is in there. Nicole should just help Brady and not make matters worse. By help Brady I clearly mean remove his shirt.

Kate offers Chad a job and he assumed she was hitting on him. This is actually a reasonable reaction considering who he is dealing with.

Other than that NOTHING happened. NOTHING. Slow Day!

As the Chloe Waddles

Okay you all win and I'll do a blog today. I'll make it short because this episode was really boring with the exception of seeing Phillip half naked. He just does it for me.

Simply stated: Kayla and Stephanie are annoying and I want them to go away. Stephanie is one of the worst written characters EVER and Shelley Hennig, I love you, I love your hair, and you deserve better than this crappy character you are forced to play. At least Shelley is NOTHING like her character in real life because then we'd have a real problem. Anyways Kayla came back to this show to really just be a pain in the ass and mention how much she hates Carly. She doesn't tell Daniel anything about Chloe though and assumes that there was not a paternity switch but just a computer error. So now mother and daughter have teamed up to find out who the daddy is. At this rate Patch will be coming back to re switch the test results and claim he slept with Chloe. I CANNOT TAKE THIS!

EJ is still pretending he is married to Sami. Lexie sucks as a doctor and is afraid to tell him the truth. So if EJ wanted a pony would they just bring it into his hospital room? Apparently so! The only good thing about this story is how annoyed Rafe is by all of this. He just stands in the background growling and mumbling like the Roman clone that he is. Rafe is one step away from being an ape. Then of ALL people, JOHNNY, SON OF A DIMERA AND A BRADY, tells the truth! Clearly this kid was switched at birth! How dare he rat out his mother like that and say they are living with Rafe.

Carly wants to know who Chloe had an affair with alllllll of a sluttttten. I just want to know who dresses her and why she won't get changed! Next thing she will ask is if Chloe's sexual partner was tested for any known diseases. Then she will ask his ethnicity to make sure the baby wont be born African American. Chloe then waddles on over to Phillip and they decide to scream out loud about their affair at the PIER. Really? Stop discussing your SEX! Yes we like you two naked, but enough with the SEX talk! Phillip and Melanie also have sex in this episode, but the real shocker is when they are not having sex Phillip is not wearing a suit. It has been months since we have seen in in normal everyday clothing. Okay I miss the suits now or have him be nude more. Oh yeah they also buy a house but we don't care about that. Chloe and Daniel are going to get married, Phil and Mel are happy, soooo the secret should be coming out soon to ruin EVERYTHING! Melanie also talks about Nathan being in love with her but Carly suggests she made the right choice with Phillip. WRONG AGAIN MANNING!

Okay so September is almost over and we have to make it through ONE MONTH of nonsense before we get: NOVEMBER SWEEPS. I suspect a baby being born of course and the secret coming out at the supposed park wedding. Vivian will probably get out around that time, or at least get a pee reprieve. Arianna will find out Sami shot EJ and then get killed in a car accident. BOO! Maggie and Victor better hook up. I also suspect Hope will lose about a pound...sorry bad things happen.

Pet Cemetery Passions

The GOOD News: EJ woke up. The BAD News: He is pretending that he is married to Sami and cannot remember anything else. BOOOOOOO! This is boring and Rafe only makes it worse with his stupid ass theories that Will shot EJ. Even after Sami informs Rafe that Stefano has proof Will did not do it, Rafe is convinced Will did it and the evidence will pile up. Rafe is a F&*^ING MORON! Yes I censored myself because ten bucks says Rafe wouldn't figure out the word I used. Of course no one will tell EJ the truth because Lexie thinks she knows what she is doing and the truth will kill EJ. WHATEVER!

Chloe continued breaking up with Nicole and acted like a mean girl to her. She tells her that she has no friends and that she doesn't feel safe with her. Apparently these two were secretly having sex and we were avoiding the truth. Nicole goes to visit her dead dog Pookie. I wish Pookie could have lived longer and Rafe could have died instead. Annnnnyyywayyyyss, Nicole overhears Brady moving "Sparkles" aka Isabella's body from the pet cemetery. French Stewart is guest starring which is kind of weird in an "I'm surprised they didn't write an alien storyline" for him kind of way. Status of Vivian: Still in Coffin, has eaten more than Hope who is in jail, and still has to pee.

Nathan talks about how he dislikes Chloe with Daniel, which leads Carly to believe Nathan and Chloe had the affair. Ewwwwwwwww! To make matters worse, Kayla is back to annoy the crap out of Stephanie and Stephanie reveals the whole baby test switch to her mother. Kayla goes on a huge lecture about what Stephanie is doing is wrong and how sad Steph is for being so desperate. Stephanie then decides to throw a hissy fit and start screaming, but nonetheless she is a pathetic hot mess. Stephanie and Nathan are becoming so pathetic that they might actually deserve each other just not on my screen! P.S. Daniel is catching Rafe's stupidity disease, and Chloe needs to tell Carly that she dresses and does her hair badly if she were REALLY her BFF!

The Booze and the Restless

Short and sweet for this weekend:

Nicole and Chloe BROKE UP! I'm am SOOOOOOO sad! The greatest subtexual lesbian couple on this show is OVER. You do NOT break up with Nicole. Who will teach the baby about booze? Who will teach the baby to lie elaborately? Not Chloe! Chloe can barely read. Nicole would have been the perfect AUNTIE, NOT CARLY! Carly just stands around lecturing people and that is why they don't like her! Nicole warns Chloe that Carly is a manipulative bitch...SHE's NOT EVEN that!! This is a sad weekend and I vote that everyone partakes in fancy cocktails and lies to someone they love in honor of Team Chlicole being over.

In other news: Rafe is a moron. Can he die instead of Arianna? I know it is too late to ask but still, Rafe needs to stop putting me into a coma, and stop being such an idiot. Sami just basically confessed and what does Rafe do...HE IGNORED HER! Oh yeah and EJ woke up. He keeps asking for Samantha which you really shouldn't do when Arianna wants to massage other parts of your body. I know you were shot in the brain EJ but that does not mean you can act like Rafe. NO EXCUSE!

Have a good weekend everyone!

Bold Ass Baby Bump and the Baby Shower

Kayla is BACK! and guess what?! NO ONE GIVES A SHIT! GO ANNOY SOMEONE ELSE AND TAKE IAN AND STEPHANIE UNLESS THEY WRITER HER BETTER WITH YOU! Also, you know the character sucks when she ruins what could have been good looking people naked having a boring sex scene! Speaking of the girl Ian, he is coming off extremely stalkerish now. Didn't Stephanie already have a stalker? Please not again! Daniel meets Ian after the little girl has a motorcycle accident...which does not make that girl anymore manly honestly. Nathan gives him a hard time again, and guess what...STILL BORING! Daniel even threatens him....this cannot get worse.

Just checked the sarcophagus and Vivian is still in it! Brady even sits on her and it is not so kinky as it sounds. Essentially the bitch is going to be stuck in there for all eternity.

Stefano tells Kate that he has proof that Will did not do it, but Sami's fingerprints are on the box that had the gun in it. Stefano and Kate admit it would have been weird if Will's prints were on it because they love each other and would then be at each other's throats. I honestly enjoy the fact that they were concerned they had to hurt each other and genuinely cared...awwww! They are like the evil version of Maggie and Victor. Will is nice enough to visit EJ and ask him to die. That's sweet, and hopefully EJ won't listen. On a positive note Arianna massaged EJ...I just won't say which part.

It's BABY SHOWER TOWN!!! Let's play WHO DA DADDY! Chloe is now pregnant with a 24 month old child in her 5th month of pregnancy. She LARGE! Nicole goes to buy "soda" which we all know is code for a Martini Run! Everyone knows that before a baby shower you need to get hammered to be able to sit through it. While out Nicole runs into Brady and he still wants nothing to do with her. This leads to Nicole doing shots....it is the little things like this that make me love Nicole. Soooo she shows up to the realllllyyyy boring Girlie Baby shower and Carly starts slapping her a little. Either this is a good sign for Team Narly or a Realllllllyyyyy BADDDD one. Then she makes a comment about Chloe wronging Daniel and Melanie makes a "sayyyyy whattttttt bitch" face. Way to go Nicole...you now have no more friends...welcome to Carly's world.

The Cute Old Folks and their Restless Relationship

Days was extremely boring today except for the Maggie and Victor, and Brady and Vivian parts. In fact they should just have whole episodes at this point because that's all I care about right now! Maggie and Victor decide to be friend but just FOR NOW! Maggie and Victor flirted the whole time and are getting more and more adorable. If these two get a love scene, it might freak me out...but I am rooting for them. Vivian gets a visit from Carly who is wearing red? visiting Isabella. She misses her friend....yes Carly once had friends, shocking I know. Brady watches as he sees Carly talking about Vivian and how she can't believe she is gone. Does Brady know Carly is his godmother? This overlooked fact really annoys me. Bo shows up and wonder why Vivian left, but Brady is not letting Vivian out despite her warnings that no one will believe she is gone. Brady reminds Vivian he has her phone and the emails he sends cannot be traced. Thus proving my theory: Brady is a GENIUS when he drinks and has stubble.

The rest of the show was terrrrribbbbblllleeee. Arianna has the hots for EJ all of a sudden. Rafe is annoyed with her, but also finds time to question Will about why he is acting weird. Kate and Stefano are now at odds because he thinks Will shot EJ. She talks to Phillip about worrying what Stefano will do to the person who shot EJ. THIS SUCKS!! Kate actually loves Stefano, and Stefano had a quirky bond with Will so this whole "William shot Elvis" crap is pissing me off. Kate thinks about poisoning Stefano if he goes after Will....because her track record of poisoning people is terrific! P.S. to Days Wardrobe Department...just because Kate and Stefano are married...does NOT mean it is cute when they dress alike!

Abe and Lexie and Bo were on today too. You can thank me now for not discussing the entire amount of time they wasted. My favorite Bo part: when Carly tells him Isabella would be happy they were together and he says NOTHING! That is clearly love. Bad writing, bad story, bad character development, Go choke on a Snowball writers!

As the Magic Turns....and Vivian has to Pee.

Three Reasons to watch Days right now...Victor and Maggie, and then Brady who is inadvertently bringing them together even more. Brady won't let Vivian out of the sarcophagus and she is forced to watch everyone throw a party that she is gone forever. Well it's kind of sad that no one cares for Vivian, but she brought this on herself. She calls everyone BASTARDS, which turns out to not be insulting because most of them actually are. Phillip....Bastard, Melanie....Bastard, Chloe...Bastard, Daniel..probably a Bastard or has other Bastard children. Justin just is a Bastard, and has one Bastard child that I remember. So Vivian and Maggie have the chance to get closer while Vivian has to hold it in until November sweeps. Hope she invested in Depends.

The not so great storyline....EJ getting shot. Okay I'm not thrilled with this storyline at all actually. There is no mystery as to who shot EJ, and Sami is the biggest screw up of all time. However, the fact that Will is being to blame and she does nothing to stop it is the really annoying part of all of this. Kate and Sami are also being friendly because Stefano thinks Will did it. Just NO! Kate and Sami getting along means that you are already writing incorrectly! Also, Rafe thinking Will shot EJ makes sense because Rafe is a moron, but get this over with please. At least Will is smarter than his parents.....oh yeah and gay. EJ was also taken off the monitors but is breathing and is saying Samantha's name. One: you can do better than Sami, two: Lexie don't know shit.

Minor story today: Stephanie just won't go away. She now suspects that Daniel switched the tests. Daniel was my guess because he is the least likely suspect but Stephanie figuring that out makes me wonder what the hell they are doing with this storyline. The baby might actually be Satan's the amount of times the stupid test was switched. Stephanie you annoyed Adrienne so much that she actually had to call Kayla for back up. Way to go! Update: Ian still looks like a girl and has a lesbian crush on Chloe..Discuss!

Burials of Our Lives

First thinks First.....WILL IS BORING!! Will with Rafe is BORING...Will talking to a dying EJ...BORING...Will with his grandmother...BOOOORRRINNNNGGG. So when is Will not boring..with Sami, Chad, and Stefano. RECOGNIZE! Will crying over EJ is making me ill because he hated the asshole. Rafe and Kate thinks he is obviously hiding something, and do you know why? Because he SUCKS at acting like he does not know anything. Stop focusing on Will and focus a little more on maybe CHAD, who was just revealed as Stefano's son. Yeah thanks! Also, why the hell is Sami of all people deciding if EJ should be kept on machines?! This should not be legal and at least they let Lexie out of her hidden cave and she even was able to get groped by Daniel! Good for her! One more thing to add: Rafe dreaming about Will shooting EJ? Okay that does not happen in real life and if you dream about EJ he should be NAKED.

It also seems that being in a coma, bald, with a gunshot wound to the head makes you more attractive to women because now Nicole and Arianna are fighting over EJ. Nicole feels bad to see EJ dying but then freaks out and starts hitting the poor bastard. Arianna walks in and stops her. Nicole and Arianna later argue on the PIER. Next time girls, little less talking and more hair pulling and punching. Nicole figures out that Arianna has a crush on EJ and warns her that she is being stupid. Is being in love with EJ stupid? Technically yes because he is a bad guy and this will lead Arianna to her death which really sucks but that's what her boring badly written character gets when she could have been a totally better character, and my rant stops here. P.S. Nicole's scenes with Daniel....I see potential between the two and would like Nicole to steal him from Chloe THANKS!

Brady locks Vivian in the sarcophagus, and essentially...annoys the shit out of her. He sits on the thing, starts yelling at her in it, and even throws things at the camera. Vivian looks like she wants to pass out and die, which does serve her right for burying Carly all those years ago. For some reason I still feel bad for Viv, and while this is funny I don't enjoy seeing people buried alive. I get claustrophobic SORRY! Anyways Eric Martsolf does an amazing job at acting with himself when he drunkenly zooms in and out of the cameras when he is terrorizing Vivian. He even goes as far as telling her that Maggie and Victor are doing it. Okay kinda eww. Vivian is freaking the hell out and begs to be let out but he will not let her go....which makes you wonder..How long can Vivian hold in her pee?! Maggie tells Victor she's staying in town and that she GASP likes him. They are ADORABLE together and he reciprocates his feelings and it's done in a classy and old fashioned way. However, Maggie also tells him the time isn't right for them to get together because he is married and she still loves Mickey...clearly forgetting the horrific BONNIE years I had to watch. Victor will hopefully be respectful while still putting the moves on the lady. Go Maggie!

All My Sarcophagus Fights

It's my birthday party and I can skip a blog if I want too!!! Okay I will write something but I am going with the short and not so sweet approach as usual.

Vivian and Brady slap each other around for the whole hour. It is kinky, feisty, and Brady finds out Isabella is sleeping with the pets of Salem. Is it tacky? yes but at least Vivian had her moved to where she is the hottest chick in the place. Anyways Brady catches up to Vivian and vows to make her pay. Which really just means Vivian will get buried alive sometimes soon.

Melanie and Nathan have awkward time and if that's not enough they drag the poor Olsen twins into the mix!! That's just rude! Melanie and Maggie also discuss what happened but Melanie changed the subject to Maggie and Victor. She wants Maggie to be a vixen, but Maggie does not want to play the home wrecker role. Awwwwww. Nathan and Phillip also have awkward time but they are just playing pool and I did not listen to a word they said because they fine....but boring.

Will won't tell on his mother...I think he just said that because her cleavage was hanging out and things got awkward. Kate visits EJ and stabs him in the leg to see if he is faking...could she have not shouted in his ear? Anyways she talks to Chad and decides she will use the info about him being Stefano's son somehow to her advantage. She sees Will with EJ and worries that Will might have shot EJ. Will continues crushing on Chad, and just come out already! Sami talks to Rafe about how to tell Johnny his dad has been shot....because Rafe who has NO children is the person to go to for this kind of advice...CALL YOUR MOTHER!!

The End!! I didn't get Hope stabbed on my birthday but a girl can still dream! Thanks everyone!!

The Dead and the Pimped Out Sarcophagus

Vivian knocked Brady over the head with an urn when he found out that his mother's sarcophagus was pimped out to bury Maggie alive. Okay what other show can you really say this about? Seriously! Also, I feel cheated that Vivian's plans were discovered by BRADY of all people. Apparently booze makes you smarter, because Brady can only think when he is drunk. Rafe and Roman should start drinking immediately. Chloe should have an IV hooked up to her. So after Brady calls Vivian a bitch repeatedly, she hits him with an urn..Tip for Vivian: Start using real weapons like guns and knives because this inanimate object thing is not working for you. Gus also calls Maggie to inform her about Vivian's plan but Maggie has bad service. I blame AT&T.

Hope is in the BIG house and her roommate is a creepy butch lady named Tina who wants to stab her after she finds out who Hope is. I like Tina!! Bo is worried about his Freaky face and Ciara is being nice to Carly. I am going to throw up! Bo hopes Ciara's letter boosts Hope's spirits..no that would be food. Tina picks a fight with Hope and Hope beats HER up...so Tina fails as a human being because she can not fight a stick figure of a woman who weighs 47 pounds. Stacy Haiduk is playing the warden by the way, and she wont be around for long because they fired her...what a waste! So now she dislikes Hope, and because Hope sent Tina to the infirmary all the inmates know that Hope is a cop. Hopefully someone stabs the bitch. Tina recommends that Hope doesn't eat.....Apparently Tina does not read my blog or my tweets, so I would like Tina to also die. Hope not eating or showering is NOT a punishment for a woman who NEVER eats!!

Stephanie and Chloe hold a Father Matt Fan Club meeting, but ultimately the big news is that Chloe did not change the DNA results. Now Stephanie knows it was not Philip or Chloe...which means it was...okay I'm saying Daniel because honestly he is the only person who I would not suspect and that is usually who did it. Also, Nathan tells Melanie again that he is not fond of Chloe. Nathan not liking Chloe just means that he is secretly a homosexual...it happens! Nathan dreams of Melanie while he is napping and starts saying that he loves her. UGHHH! Melanie and Nathan just don't do it for me. I'd rather he go with someone else and leave Melanie caught between Phillip and maybe Brady. She looks better with the older fellows! Nathan should be gay or sleep with Kate, because let's face it she'll sleep with anyone.

One Satan to Hail

In what might have been the most hysterical thing ever: Vivian fantasizes that Chloe is pregnant with the Antichrist and Carly helps her give birth to it...in the name of Satan...HAIL SATAN! Other than that the show was kinda slow lol. This was the best part and thankfully or unthankfully woke me up for the second half. In Vivian news: She gets busted by Brady who spots the TV monitor in his mother's sarco...I won't say it sorry. Brady wants Maggie to go to his mother's service but instead this guy is going to chuck Vivian in this over sized above ground coffin. In Vivian's defense....heaven might have tv and air conditioning. You never know! Also, what kind of henchman is GUS?! You do not bail on your Madame....you just constantly tell her she is wrong. I hope he actually goes for a colonic!

Okay the rest of the episode kinda was BLAHHHHH, and by BLLLLAHHHHHHH I mean Rafe was on. Sami tries to defend herself to Will but he is clearly there to just hate anything she does. He is not happy with his mother shooting EJ, but he was also unhappy when she was going to marry him so I don't know what the kid wants. Stefano begins to think Will might have shot EJ and Kate says she will declare war on him if he goes after her grandson. What is she going to do dye his hair blue when he is sleeping? Also Will cannot even comb his hair let alone shoot EJ correctly, and if he did well he is clearly a really bad shot so he is undoubtedly Sami's son.

Oh yeah Arianna likes EJ by the way....told ya!! And she will NOT stop until she discovers her shot him...which means she going to die! It was nice knowing you!

Previews: Stephanie asks Ian who else doesn't want Chloe to know that she's not carrying Daniel's baby. The whole DAMN TOWN Steph!! It's actually kind of ridiculous. Also there is a rumor the baby might be SATAN's!!!

Daniel says to Carly that there is something she's not telling him. Well she didn't tell him "NO" or "Use Protection" years ago so something tells ME that this is a recurring theme with Carly omitting important pieces of information.

Brady tells Vivian that she went way too far. Vivian is in trouble if Brady spots the Fridge and Bar in the lower portion of the coffin. Ooopss.

General Hospital Haircuts: EJ is BALD

So I'm back! Thanks everyone for the well wishes and my dad is finally home and doing great....unlike that EJ guy who has Daniel and Carly operating on him which really sucks. Also, the episode today was all over the place and way too much happened without anything happening at all. That makes perfect sense!

EJ is bald now. At least he is still a sexy beast though. The surgery was pretty fake and nothing much happened except Carly stared over Daniel's shoulder while he bulled out a bullet from EJ's skull. Her enormous surgery scrubs should have been cut along with EJ's hair. Carly finally has alone time with EJ and he is unconscious...I would mount him and go for an inappropriate doctor storyline. Stefano is in the waiting room crying and accusing everyone of killing Elvis. Kate just wants translations when he goes off in Italian at the bottom of the screen. He accuses Nicole of doing it but she has an alibi....which even she and Chloe are shocked by.

Nathan needs a haircut too. His hair might have shot EJ its so out of control. He calls Chloe out again for being a big whore and he upsets her. Apparently Chloe is also 8 months pregnant with that belly sticking out. She keeps touching her tummy to remind us she is pregnant, or maybe herself. Phil is so happy he isn't the dad that he puts on a dimple show. Melanie calls him out on it, but they decide that the baby is family so they should put together a shower. The only showers I like are when attractive people are having sex naked in one! Speaking of someone who needs a haircut, that girl Ian needs one too! Stephanie cons the poor boy into finding out who switched the test results. If I were him I would at least demand sex as a payment!

Sami says yes to Rafe's marriage proposal.... is anyone surprised by this? In fact Johnny is not even shocked and is like here we go again! Caroline is happy about the news....hypocrite bitch! Sorry! Bo comes in and announced to Rafe and Sami that EJ was shot, and Sami assumes he is dead. Well okay that seems suspicious...Bo write that down!! Does anyone really care that Sami shot EJ?? It's not like anyone is going to go to jail over this for a long period of time.

Brady thinks Victor has the hots for Maggie and sending Vivian away is to get closer to Maggie, not because of Stefano. Okay that conversation was not that blunt but I filled in the blanks basically. Vivian overhears everything and is probably cleaning off the sarcophagus as we speak. Victor calls Maggie and tells he she should leave town because he cares for her and worries about Stefano hurting her....Say it with me...Awwwwww.

Previews: Kate tells Bo she is not hiding anything....which means she is hiding something. If I were Bo I would look behind the blue hair and question her about that. I would want answers.

Stephanie says to Phillip: OMG, you told him. This girl is digging her own grave. She could be a total kickass character if she wasn't such a whiny ass bitch who can't commit to being a total bitch!

Stefano asks Carly if EJ is going to be all right. Who cares I am just excited they are having their FIRST CONVERSATION!! YAY!!