As Chloe Gets "Fatter"

EJ tries to explain himself to Sami and he even proposes again. Finally Sami tells him off because what he did was stupid and would have never worked. He explains to her that he loves her and that she loves him, and they've both become better people. Sami then explains that she has loved Rafe all along, and EJ can basically go to hell. Aww that sucks. Sami is going to take the kids and leave, as EJ tries to say goodbye to the always confused children. Kate learns from Rafe about Ej's evil plot and even she is appalled. When Kate thinks you did something terrible...you are up shit's creek without a paddle. Kate hates that Stefano has been lying to her. Chad tries to comfort her and if these two hook up I am going to puke. Stefano tells Chad to get lost in his way and Kate looks like she wants to slap Stefano. Sami takes her kids to the pub....so her father and Caroline can basically take care of them. Now it looks as though Sami and Rafe are back together. Here we goo..... EJ also gets a visit from Arianna...have sex and move on thanks.

Vivian is still trying to bury Maggie alive...who knew it was this complex. In fact Vivian's discussion of the technological advances in the field of the sarcophagus are quite compelling in a creepy way. Vivian visits Maggie and the two have a bitchfest. Maggie calls out Vivian for her KINKY OBSESSION with Lawrence. I have been saying that for over a decade thanks!! Vivian mutters that Maggie is a bitch and notices she is planning a vacation. Melanie catches Viv in the kitchen, and Vivian invites her over for "drinkies." Don't drink with people who try to have you killed....it just doesn't work. Vivian tells Gus she plans on writing Maggie's farewell letter and Gus looks like he just wants to find a new line of work. Where's Ivan? he took orders well!

Victor learns from Daniel and Chloe that Chloe is pregnant. Victor wants to know immediately who the father is and why Chloe's gained weight. Victor is such a gentleman. He thought Chloe was barren...and Daniel thinks people don't use that word anymore. Not true because I heard someone say it last week Danny! Chloe explains this baby is a gift from God. Victor then feels like lecturing her about how God is not biased. This is foreshadowing by the Days writers that God switched the paternity test because he/she is the LAST person I would suspect. Actually the last person I would suspect is Father Matt because he likes Chloe so much he would want to be the daddy. This conversation just took a weird turn. Anyways...Victor will accept the child but basically he still finds Chloe to be a tramp with no brains.

Nicole is scared that EJ is going to kill her so she tries to leave town. As she is packing she hears a guy sneaking in. She hides in the corner and the guy who played the GAS MAN in Dumb and Dumber comes in with a gun. He turns around to see Nicole standing there with scissors and starts screaming at the top of her lungs. Turns out his name is George and he is the new FBI guy sent to protect Nicole. Nicole cannot leave town because her account was frozen so she is stuck with George or the guy who played the GAS MAN. Nicole visits Chloe with a birthday gift and realizes her friend is fat and they need to talk. Yipee! Side Note: Ari Zucker had me laughing my ass off when she was screaming. Thank you.

Previews: Kate screams at Stefano that she is tired of the lies. Does she not realize who she married? Mr. DiMera keeps secrets. Huge Shocker.

EJ yells at Arianna that he doesn't need help. He needs hope. None of us need Hope..NONE OF US. Apparently EJ needs a cray cray mugger who is near death thin and cannot cry.

Sami says that she is sorry to Rafe. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. You should be sorry that you tried to marry a guy that has kept secrets from you and ruined your life on a day to day basis. STOP HAVING KIDS SAMI!

The Boldy Thin and Not so Beautiful Hope

Hope gets called to testify at Dick's trial. I am a Team DOPE fan. Think about this people, he is kind of on the larger side and could crush her to death!! Bo and Dick throw a fit at the way THE CRIMINAL Hope is being treated. Might I also add that for the one day Hope has been in jail she's lost about 20 pounds. She also has no makeup on so there is another 10. Can we call Ali Sweeney and ask her if she can start the Biggest Gainer just for Kristian? Hope also cannot cry because her body is devoid of all fluids. Carly shed some tears and should have smeared her leftovers on Hope's face. At least Carly has one high point today: Melanie calls her Mom, but then tells her she looks terrible. OUCH! Carly moves like the Flash apparently and beats Bo home and they cuddle in bed while he dreams about Hope....notice she had tons of makeup on. Carly can now chuck his ass THANKS! Dick also pleads guilty to save Hope from testifying, I'd like to thank him for giving her less screen time.Go DICK!

Melanie is knitting and cursing, while Maggie is with her. They might have the coolest relationship on the show. Maggie tells her she is thinking of leaving Salem...BOO! I don't support this decision because Maggie is the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge) in Salem! Vivian is still planning Sarcophagus fun times! Which leads me to my next sell: The Sarcophagus Drinking game!!! Vivian has said that word so much I say we start boozing it up!

Kate and Stefano chill at the Brady pub...okay why do they always go to a place where the owners HATE them? Also, they have money....stop slumming it!! Stefano sees Nicole and threatens her. He should have threatened to lock her up without booze because that is the only kind of threat that works on her since her life already sucks. So after another HALF HOUR, Rafe plays the damn CD. Can I get an AMEN?! Then Sami reacts and its boring as all hell. Who is this lady and what have they done with Sami Brady? She was all calm and wondering why EJ would do something like that. Then EJ starts shaking, blinking, and yelling about how Sami kept his dead baby away from him. Oh shut up! Sami then turns the adequate Sami Brady Red and FREAKS right back. However, EJ looks at her with the puppy eyes and says that he loves her and that is all that matters. This caused me to load up and clean my spare gun for Sami to use on EJ. I'm nice and she better return it in good condition.

Previews: Nicole says that she is a dead woman......No that is Hope.

Rafe tells Roman that he's gonna pay. By HE Rafe means EJ, and by PAY he means listen to Sami scream for another two days.

EJ tells Sami that he loves her, and she still loves him. Okay this is probably TRUE, however the our baby is dead thing gets you punished for a good long while. Yes you are hot EJ, but Sami needs to be pregnant with another man's baby before she reunites with you.

The Old and the Gross Sarcophagus

Carly is on the show today....you wouldn't know it though because someone decided she should just sit in the back of the room crying the entire time. Thanks Days!! Bo is being a huge asshole defending Hope who can do no wrong. He goes after Dick, who is wearing an orange jumpsuit for no reason whatsoever. Bo talks about his wife and how much he will stand by her and for some reason Carly doesn't tell him to Kiss her Ass!! Yes her husband beat her up, but having to listen to someone COMPLIMENT that SKINNY FREAK is even worse!! Leave him Carly and find a new dude!

Vivian goes sarcophagus shopping. Yes I wish I were joking. She goes on and on about what her coffin will look like. She reveals to Gus that she plans on burying Maggie alive and how Maggie's awful red hair will clash with the interior. You would seriously think that once someone failed at burying someone alive that they would not try it again or just try good old fashion murder. Luckily this show is written by AMAZING WRITERS who like to recycle. At least Vivian was laying on the ground at one point practicing, considering it will be HER in the coffin and NOT Maggie.

Nicole tells Brady all about how she was blackmailing EJ with the Sydney kidnapping information, and now EJ will kill her once she finds out. I just think he will blink alot and yell. Brady refuses to help her because it means he has to leave his clothing on and he just won't do anything like that. Maggie stops Brady from drinking later on....RUDE but I forgive her. If she stops him from removing his shirt...then we got problems. Victor taunts Nicole just for fun...love him!! He has some booze and tells her he was behind Rafe getting on her kinky side. Victor is the king of banter, and the person who writes for him, Maggie, and Vivian...SHOULD BE HEAD WRITER THANKS!

Rafe plays Sami a tape with Nicole saying she overheard EJ say something...Again...NOT JOKING! Again, they wasted another day of nothingness. Sami was pissed that Rafe played her a tape from Nicole...and I have to agree with her. She yells at Rafe for sleeping with the woman...if he did you cannot blame him because Nicole is sterilized unlike SOMEONE who shall go nameless. EJ rants at Rafe for being rude, and Sami is still furious. Finally Rafe takes out the CD, EJ tries to stop him from playing it, and Rafe pushes play...too bad the SHOW IS OVER!! I HATE THIS!! Not only am I going to shoot EJ...I'm going to shoot THE WRITERS!

Previews:
Maggie tells Melanie that maybe it's time for her to leave Salem. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Maggie cannot leave because I need her and Victor time to keep me sane...also her lemon bars are to die for.

EJ tells Sami to not let him do this to us. Well you were behind the kidnapping you good looking asshole. Also you know he'll blame Sami for everything that happened too soooooo yeah quite lying and man up to your stupid plan that backfired in your face.

Bo yells in court that's enough, stop, she's suffered enough. She is HOPE...Apparently HOPE is suffering. Hope looks like she lost 20 more pounds in jail and teased her hair out so it looks like her head is large. Lovely. And if we are going to talk about suffering I think we all are suffering for having to look at her like that. Great storyline idea...Carly kidnaps Hope, FORCE FEEDS HER for 3 months, and then Bo realizes what a moron Hope is even when she is overweight. Thanks!

All My Paternity Test Switchers

Today's episode:

Okay Everyone and their mother could have switched the paternity results...in fact I am suspecting that I might have done it by accident when I tried to download a new version of ITunes. The only person who did not look guilty was Chloe because let's face it...she doesn't know how to turn on a computer let alone hack into an account. My money is on the nun with the drinking habit...pun intended. Her or Donna Scott. Clearly Donna felt ignored that no one will help her with her damn skin grafts. Also it cannot be Ian...he's just too girly. Carly looked very suspicious with her terrible facial expressions of guilt and confusion. That or she had gas. She tells Chloe that Daniel is the dad and we get a giddy Chloe for an hour. Let the birthday party commence!

Nathan and Stephanie have sex. This is not important but they decided to do it for the whole episode. Go Hapka! Nathan might have also switched the test results, but for obviously dumb reasons. The test results have prob been altered three times at this rate. Maybe that nurse who got yelled at did it too because Carly yelled at her and got her in trouble with the nuns. Whatever! Nathan and Stephanie seem all happy, but Nathan also looks guilty and Stephanie wants to know who helped her out. This is riveting stuff.

Rafe interrupted Sami and EJ's wedding. For the whole hour he stopped the wedding...and revealed...wait for it...NOTHING!!! He wasted my time and I had to watch Sami with her ugly lipstick yell at him for "sleeping" with Nicole. Whatever! Next time there is a wedding I would also like Roman to NOT be invited and banned from speaking. Thanks!

Previews:

Bo tells Carly that he'll make sure that SOB pays for what he did. Okay so Baker will PAY for going along with Hope's plan but Hope will not pay for actually committing the crime. Makes PERFECT sense. Even Carly is like Whatchu talkin' bout Bo?!

EJ tells Rafe that he's had enough of him. Well I hate to say it but I agree with EJ. That and I've had enough of the damn storyline, but Rafe especially with his ability to drag out a speech over three damn episodes. Snails are faster than this dude.

Nicole screams at Brady that EJ's going to figure out she gave Rafe the CD and he's going to kill her. EJ won't kill her.....he'll just threaten really loudly and shake her that he will kill her. Nicole cannot die she is too important to the sale of alcohol in that damn town.

Weekend Passions

Well No Recap for today, sorry folks! I am packing for the weekend trip to BOSTON!!! Days Charity Events!!! Hanging with the cast this weekend then back next week.

Only big news for this episode: Stefano is Chad's Dad....ahem.. I TOLD YOU SO!!!! Told you guys!! You all better believe me next time I say something! Have a great weekend!!

As Hope Gets Away With Shit Again!

Hope! Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope! Apparently the woman needs to kill babies to piss everyone off. Everyone defends the freakishly thin woman, and the one person who says she should pay, gets looked at like she has 5 heads. Arianna testifies AGAINST Hope, and everyone is like Whatttttt?! However, Arianna is...say it with me now...RIGHT! If I attacked a cop because I was hopped up on sleeping pills I would end up going to jail for a LONG time! Bo, Justin, and everyone with their sorry ass faces defend Hope, and she only gets 2 years in jail. We'd get more time for TAX EVASION! Let's just pray there is an intense Prison beating scene, because that is the ONLY thing that can save this storyline.

Brady drinks his ass off, visits his mom's grave, drinks some more, and then gets in a fight with Sami. Yeah life is really tough for you Brady. All you do is drink and complain about how crappy your life is. Last time I checked you were rich and had tons of loved ones. WHAT A HORRIBLE LIFEEE. At least he tells Sami off for being engaged to EJ. Sami is horny, but the penguin stops her from getting it on. That and Johnny is a little pervert who likes to watch his parents make out. Sami gets EJ to agree to wait until their wedding night to have sex. Now of ALL times Sami wants to wait...poor EJ.

Arianna sees Rafe and Nicole flirting and she wants to throw up. They are making out and Arianna freaks and cannot believe what she is seeing. Rafe is NOT smooth and somehow Nicole must be really drunk to not even notice HOW BAD he is at flirting with her. When they get to her place he shoves her into the door basically and she face plants. Then in the room they continue to flirt and Nicole is suspicious....but they end up starting to do it anyway. Okay about this....EWWWWWWWWW!

Previews: Vivian tells Gus that she has a plan to get that phony out of Victor's life. Maggie is not phony! Now Caroline on the other hand....Maggie is PERFECT for Victor because she doesn't put up with his shit and gives it right back to him.

EJ tells Arianna that he and Sami are getting married. She looks like she is going to puke again. Seriously I had hopes for these two, but it doesn't look like it will happen. BOO and BAD writing.

Sami sees Nicole and Rafe all up on each other half naked. Not to beat a dead horse but...EWWWWWWW.

One Rafe to Frisk

Hope wants to go to prison.....Well then, LET's LET HER! The woman weighs 8 pounds, and maybe time in the slammer will give her a weight gain. Her hair is bigger than her! Her rib cage itself being THAT visible is a crime. Julie and Bo try to talk her out of giving herself up, but she insists on going to jail. Bo talks to her lawyer and interferes of course. ASSHOLES! Let the thin freak go to jail where she belongs for two months! Ciara is better off not seeing her skeletal mother.

Melanie is getting choked to death and Nathan saves her. Actually Nathan shoves the guy and ends up hurting is elbow. He proceeds to whine about it for the entire episode. Melanie probably could have taken the guy, and we wouldn't have to hear Nathan complain. On a side note: Nathan is having a good Mark Hapka hair day. He even showered leaving his hair in that messy funk that I approve of. Stephanie is still with that chick Ian, who know has his or her hair in a ponytail. He hacks into the hospital computers for her but the test results are not ready, and Stephanie cannot believe it. Had the poor bastard figured it out he or she could have gotten laid. Nathan tells Stephanie about the attack on Melanie, and she could really care less. That was nice.

Daniel overhears Carly and Chloe talking about getting together the next day. Chloe tells him Carly is taking her out for her birthday. Wow, so somehow Chloe manages to not only lie but work in a present as well. You go girl! They repeat themselves and pretend to be friends in front of Daniel the entire episode. Way to waste a whole hour! Melanie stops by and the parents see her strangled neck. They smother her and she tells them to back off. Chloe and Carly are still going to meet up for the paternity test fun. Can Chloe take Carly clothes shopping instead? PLEASE?!

Lexie comes over and finds out that EJ and Sami are engaged. She is also really thankful the writers remember she exists and let her out of her secret cave in Never Neverland. Lexie is Stefano's daughter, you would think she'd get more screentime. She only comes out for emergency surgery and weddings/funerals. Stefano plays nice with Sami, who is shocked but accepts the peace offering. What hell is this show taking place in? I only like Stefano and Sami fights, not hugfests!! EJ and Sami are being gross as usual, but luckily something even more gross is going on. Rafe comes to Nicole's rescue when she gets accosted by a porn fan. He gets rid of the guy and buys Nicole booze. He is in her heart already!! Nicole is suspicious and even frisks Rafe. It was kind of hot but Nicole can do better than Rafe of all people. Hopefully these two are really drunk with the crappy dialogue they had to say. If Nicole and Rafe have sex....Ewwwwww!

Previews: Hope tells the judge she is guilty. Force feed her your honor!! That should be her punishment. She should have to gain 80 pounds. If you don't want to do that then I say death penalty all the way for trying to kill a cop!

Arianna yells at Rafe that he is out of his freakin' mind. Okay it would be kind of funny if Nicole became Arianna's sister in law, but since she is leaving we will never see that. Think of the Spanish fighting!!

EJ and Sami make out. Use protection...in fact....think of Caroline. That always ruins the mood for me.

The Bold and the Boozing Nun

Stephanie almost gets caught by Melanie, but luckily it's Melanie she is dealing with so she gives her some stupid lie about hospital stuff. Stephanie cannot get into Dana Scott's medical file, so what does she do???? She calls a guy that looks like a girl!!! This guy looks like her brother without the bumpit. He also seems to want to sleep with her which is kinda weird because Stephanie is a boring freak. He seems willing to help her break into the hospital's medical records, but if she sleeps with this chick I will judge her harshly. Phillip learns that Nathan and Melanie working together at the free clinic. He thinks its really unsafe, but the rest of Salem is safe? Of course Melanie gets attacked by a homeless looking drug addict...no not Hope.

Rafe calls Victor to help him figure out how to get information out of Nicole. This was a HUGE waste of time. Victor just tells Rafe what we already know: that Nicole did porn and she always wants men to save her. DUH! Meanwhile, Nicole and Brady are having sex in the mansion. Oddly enough they stay in the living room where ANYONE can walk in!! Henderson was probably watching in the corner actually. When they finally get their cloths off Brady stops her and she's confused. He says he is done with her...no you are supposed to say that AFTER you slept with her! He starts drinking, and tells her to get lost. Nicole goes to the bar to start drinking, and Rafe is ready to "help" her. Ewwwww! These two kissing might make me barf.

Stefano walks in on Sami and EJ making out. God I hope they use protection this time. Will is also disgusted by his mother getting married for the 33rd time. Sami and EJ go together to tell Caroline and Roman about their engagement. Caroline looks like she needs some booze, and Roman might need a colonoscopy. They both are not happy but Sami says she does not care. You would think they would be used to her screwing up by now. I say skip the wedding and get drunk in your own establishment! Stefano talks to Will about Sami and EJ getting married. He tells Will he accepts the marriage because of the family, and how he's gotten to know Will. Will looks flattered and might be in love with Stefano...kind of gross. This bromance is freaking me out. Stefano then talks to EJ about the kidnapping, and EJ tells him to shut up, as Sami walks in. Knowing Sami she was tone deaf for that whole minute.

Daniel is having a drink with Carly and shows her the bracelet he got for Chloe. Carly is very uncomfortable although it might be because of that tight ass shirt they gave her to wear. She leaves, and Daniel is confused as always. Chloe arrives and Daniel gives her one of her birthday gifts a day early. It's a baby's cup and accessories. Chloe takes a minute and realizes it is not for her but the baby she is pregnant with. She was also upset it was not purchased at Tiffany's. When Chloe excuses herself to possibly pee, the nun from St. Mary's comes in. WHAT THE HELL IS A NUN DOING IN A BAR?! Daniel asks this very question, and it seems like Sister Anne is a boozer. Half this town is an alcoholic or need to be an alcoholic. Chloe cannot believe her shitty luck and hides in the corner. Carly walks in confused as hell and gives Chloe the side eye to hide. Sister Anne says her goodbyes, and Carly is wondering why the nun is in the damn bar. Later on, Chloe and Carly discuss meeting tomorrow for the results, and Daniel overhears them. They should lie to Daniel and tell them they are going for Birthday Brunch!

Previews: Chloe says to Carly that Daniel should know the truth. Well great another lie and fake out to make us think she will tell Daniel the truth when she really won't. Meanwhile you have Stephanie probably going to change the test results and RUIN everything. This storyline CANNOT get worse can it?!

Hope says she's going to prison. DREAMS DO COME TRUE FREAKY FACE!!

Nicole tosses a drink into Rafe's face and says No. Probably not a word that she says that often considering her past. Nicole gets turned down by Brady, Rafe gets turned down by Nicole and Sami....this dude cannot win. Maybe he should try Kate because she rarely ever says No.

The Closet and the Restless Stephanie Trying to Breathe in It

Keeping it short and sweet for Friday seeing as how not much happened really.

Sami and EJ are planning their wedding. Apparently Sami wants ANOTHER LARGE wedding like she always has in Church. I don't understand how she is allowed to get married in Church again but WHATEVER! EJ wants to hurry up with the wedding which I am sure is Days writer's way of speeding up the anticipation of the big reveal that EJ was the kidnapper. However, it is not really all that exciting to be honest. Rafe is busy trying to figure out what Nicole's CD says. All you can hear is EJ sounding like Satan. Rafe figures out that EJ was the kidnapper but needs more proof from Nicole...who he will be seducing in a hot second. Sami and EJ tell Kate and Stefano the "great" news, and Kate almost choked to death like the rest of the town will when they find out.

Nicole is boozing it up with Rafe and tries to make him feel as crappy as she does. She should just show him a mirror to check out his eyebrows. Meanwhile, Brady is standing around wet and shirtless and Victor is like WTF. Victor thinks Brady is drinking because Hope beat him up. That's what I said! Victor lays into Brady for being upset at the Nicole situation and that he has feelings for her. Brady will NEVER learn, and has HORRIBLE taste in women. Nicole comes over and says she will go to the police and admit that she illegally obtained the cash. However, she is still lying about where the money came from. This chick never learns. Brady and Nicole start making out again, even though he is not sure he can trust her. Wouldn't it be funny if he sleeps with her and then dumps her all over again? Yeah it will happen.

Daniel wants to name his child after the Jonas brothers. Wow that wasn't a corny joke at all!! Jonas brothers....Dr. Jonas...GET IT?! Stephanie has been standing in the closet for so long she might keel over and die from lack of oxygen. Chloe calls Phil when Daniel leaves, and he comes over to discuss the baby some more. These two really want to get caught at this point. They bash Stephanie and then discuss how the baby might be his. Stephanie is freaking out in the closet and she should get locked in there for all eternity. Stephanie sneaks out and heads for St. Mary's to see if she can find out the results. Apparently her password for the regular hospital works at other hospitals....yeah that never happens people. Melanie and Daniel discuss how much she hates Stephanie, and then how she will be applying for the job at St. Mary's. Of Course, when Steph goes to St. Mary's she runs into Melanie. Okay someone shoot Steph for tampering with the DNA test like you know she will. Who the hell does she think she is Sami Brady?!

As the Locker Room Smells

It's the Stephanie show. BLAHHHHHH! Stephanie tells Adrienne that everything is great with Nathan. Then she sees Nathan and Melanie hugging and freaks the fuck out. This girl has such low self-esteem she because a psychopath over the course of an hour. Chloe calls Phillip to meet up with her and apparently it is difficult to just say Hey I got a paternity test OVER THE DAMN PHONE! Phil and her meet up and discuss that she won't know the results for days. Stephanie finds them and creepily wonders what they are discussing. When Phil tells her nothing, Steph decides the next best thing to do is break into Chloe's apartment. How did she figure out how to break into a place? She is smart enough to break into a place but isn't smart enough to ignore a call from her grandma?! Daniel and Chloe return and Steph needs to hide her ass!

Sami and Rafe make out in the locker room. Apparently the room smelled so bad that when Sami walked away Rafe smelled her freshness and then made out with her again. He stops them telling her the room is dirty. God I wish I was joking. This is like bad porn! Rafe is pissed Sami is marrying EJ and she is pissed Rafe knows the truth. She confronts EJ about it, but I'm too busy noticing Sydney eating her fruit snacks! I want one! She thinks EJ is lying, but she will still marry him because she needs to have sex with someone and is very horny. Nicole thinks her life sucks because Brady dumped her so she goes to Chloe for advice...LAST PERSON YOU GO TO! Chloe tells her she cannot help and needs to get her hair done. Wow what a rude bitch. Nicole realizes Chloe cannot help and her and she goes to a bar. Best idea ever! She runs into Rafe and the two start drinking together. If they have sex that is just lazy writing...which means they might have sex with this writing team.

Maggie wants to know what the hell is going on between Nathan and Melanie when she catches them hugging. I think they are having sex through their clothing Maggie!! She nosy but she doesn't want them to screw up their lives. Melanie meets up with Daniel for a little bit, but the best part is when she meets up with Chloe! Melanie and Chloe see each other at the Pub, and when Melanie sits down Chloe looks annoyed.Chloe is rude and very short with Melanie. The conversation ends, and Melanie says to herself that Chloe better tell people she is pregnant otherwise they will think she is a bitch! BEST LINE! Maggie and Nathan go to the pub and Maggie has to deal with that bitch Caroline Brady. Nathan wonders why the grannies are going at it. She tells him about Victor, and he wonders if his grandma is getting frisky. She is being coy but I am pretty sure Maggie is having dirty dreams. Yes I went there!

I forgot to mention that Justin is a woman now and Adrienne might be a lesbian in love with him. Yes Justin is sad Hope is in jail, and unfortunately Adrienne feels the need to comfort her ex. RUDE!

Previews: Victor yells at Brady: good God, you still have feelings for her.Obviously this must be Nicole, Arianna, or any other damn woman Brady likes. Victor hates all his grandson's love interests. Brady does have weird taste in women. Chloe a whore, Nicole a drunk, and Arianna an ex con.

Nicole tells Rafe that she blew it, just like he did. Okay I can make a really dirty joke here or just let it go. I am going to choose to let it go and perhaps SAVE IT FOR TOMORROW!

Sami asks EJ when he wants to get married. Why not tomorrow? It figures this show stretches everything out, but when it comes to their marriage. LET'S DO IT TOMORROW!!! God this show is weird.

Days of Our Prisoner Visits

Hope is sitting in her extra large denim jumper and getting visited by Julie, Arianna, and then Doug. Julie and Doug are all about Hope being innocent and how they are going to stand by her. Do her a favor and get her a sandwich if you love her. The woman commits a crime and everyone stands by her. It figures. If Carly flipped and did this everyone would ask for the death penalty! Arianna is the only one who yells at Hope. She tells her she doesn't buy her innocent act and hope she pays for her crimes. Hope agrees with her...well that was uneventful! Arianna leaves but scares Hope and tells her how much prison sucks. Hope looks terrified to go to jail because she is fully aware she will be someone's bitch. Gaby wants Arianna to forgive Hope...and just for that I would slap my little sister.

Sami accepts EJ's proposal of marriage. EJ is all giddy. It's gross. The best part was when EJ had his shirt off all wet. Then he lost me once he put his shirt back on while they are sitting on the beach! Sami runs into Rafe at the beach, because all FBI guys go to walk on the beach during their breaks apparently. They are getting along fine and Sami mentions seeing Baker. That brings up the usual fighting between Rafe and Sami over EJ being the bad guy. I'm sorry but I am not a SAFE fan. I really tried because I am not a EJAMI supporter, but Rafe and Sami are boring. I wish Lucas would come back personally. Sami tells Will she is marrying EJ and he looks like he wants to throw up. EJ calls Stefano to tell him the news, and Rafe is there to overhear him. Life sucks for Rafe basically.

Chad confronts Stefano to talk about prostitutes....and Chad's mom. This makes Stefano uncomfortable so he leaves. Kate thinks Stefano shouldn't act like that because it raises Chad's suspicions. Ya think?! Will runs into Chad and they have their awkward sexual chemistry. Just kidding. Will wants Chad to help him with his job at DiMera Enterprises. Who knew Chad was smart with business...it must run in the family that he really belongs to or something. Chad then meets up with his dad who could really care less about his "son." He doesn't care what Chad does, and Kate overhears this and feels horrible for the guy. She tries cheering him up, and if she even thinks of getting cougar with him I'll kill her! Will meets with Stefano, who doesn't like his idea of bringing Chad in to help him. Will asks why but doesn't really get any real answers. Hopefully Stefano doesn't try to kill his newly found relative, although its clear he favors Will over Chad.

Previews: Bo tells EJ not to threaten his wife. I love how she is his wife when she is in trouble, but whenever he is with Carly she's just that lady he can no longer be with. MAKE UP YOUR MIND BO! Yes Hope is still his wife, but Bo just sucks and I will criticize every little thing he does and says!

Vivian says she may have to teach "you" a lesson. I am going to guess she means Maggie because Victor is all up in Maggie's business! Whatever! Vivian cannot stop the love train that is Maggie and Victor from happening. Best storyline on the show and the best written story currently on! They should be on more with their banter!

Rafe tels Sami that congratulations are in order. Sami looks surprised that Rafe found out as if Rafe has never found out she was hiding something before. You always get caught, and now you have Rafe even more pissed at you. Way to go Sami! She might be the queen of screwups and knock ups.

Guiding Hope...Through Processing Because the Bitch is Going To Jail

Roman comes over and tells Sami that Dick is alive and Hope was the mugger. Roman thinks Sami is a moron for considering EJ's proposal. Don't we all? Meanwhile EJ is visiting with Dick to make a deal keeping Nicole's name out of everything. Turns out Dick is a SAFE fan and cannot believe Sami and EJ are together. He lectures Sami about how EJ just sucks. Obviously Sami won't listen and her and EJ continue to bond over their children that they never pay attention to. Cannot wait for Rafe to bust EJ's bubble because this story has been going on for over a year and a half. I'm DONE!

Brady is drinking tons of booze and Arianna and Melanie try to stop him. RUDE! He informs them that Hope was the mugger and we should all feel bad for Hope and Ciara. However, I am not sure why I should feel bad for Hope really, but whatever helps the Days writers sleep at night I guess. The ONLY thing this scene did for me was want Melanie and Brady to get together at some point since Arianna is going to be gone soon. IS this weird? I think they have a cute understanding for one another, even when Brady is in a drunken rage. Really he and Justin are just pissed they got their asses kicked by Hope of all people.

Carly is trying to figure out what is going on and the last person who knows is Julie, who wants NOTHING to do with Carly clearly. She gives her the brush off and says she has no idea what's going on but Hope is with Bo. Julie really knows how to play obnoxious busy body really well. Hope is crying the whole episode saying she has to pay for what she's done and the people's she hurt. Carly and Justin come by and they both learn from Bo and Hope the story of nighttime Hope. They look as bored as I did when i watched it. Carly BLAMES HERSELF OF COURSE!Then she proceeds to fish for an I love you from Bo after she tells him Hope and Bo will get through this together. Carly 2.0 really needs to be rebooted into an ass kicking Carly 2.0 Redux! Justin tells Hope what to do, but she does not listen because she is quite frankly an asshole. Carly turns to Melanie, who actually provides her mother with some much needed love and bonding time. Melanie thinks her mother is being too hard on herself.....ya think?! Finally the episode ends with Hope being arrested, fingerprinted, and then a mugshot. The mugshot is fabulous and I might put it on my Xmas cards this year...HOWEVER, it is really annoying how Hope commits a crime and NO ONE yells at her yet....until tomorrow.

Previews: Chad tells Stefano he'd like to talk to him about his mom. Yes, the PROSTITUTE! Stefano loves talking prostitutes so this should be fun. Okay not really, but any screentime for Chad is a good thing considering this story has ACTUAL potential to be interesting if the writers don't screw it up. Also, EJ is being not so evil, and Chad might be able to pick up the DiMera slack.

Sami tells EJ she doesn't think she will ever be able to forgive herself. Whatever, Sami always forgives herself. It's how she always ends up getting into even more trouble. What she should really do is take care of her kids, stop having children for a bit, and get a damn job!

Arianna yells at Hope that she wants her to pay for what she did. Figures the one person who finally yells at Hope is LEAVING the show! If she really wants to make her pay she should shove a Big Mac down Hope's throat and then make her eat White Castle. That will tear a bitch's insides up!

The Young Middle Easterner and the Restless Whore

The whole episode takes place at the police station and St. Mary's practically. Hope admits that she is the mugger, even though Dick tries to stop her. She admits she knows Dick, and everyone is shocked that Hope has seen DICK! The Dick jokes just keep coming. Roman thinks he has caught the mugger and doesn't understand why Hope is confessing. Apparently they never taught confessions to Roman in the police academy. Brady beats up Dick during Hope's confession, and Nicole tries to stop him, but admits nothing about her part in everything. Doug, Julie, and Caroline all stay with Ciara. They are wondering what the hell is going on, but they all agree that this is Carly's fault. She even got Hope to turn to drugs. DAMN THAT CARLY MANNING!Roman forgives Hope for mugging him after they watch her "I did it with my Bumpit" video. Bo wants to arrest Dick for the crimes, but Hope turns herself in and he arrests her for her crimes. She should get the death penalty for making us watch this stupid storyline and her bony ass butt. Brady also rudely ends things with Nicole again, throwing her around as she screams that she loves him. When a guy has sex with you and then throws you to the ground....YOU DO NOT BEG HIM TO TAKE YOU BACK! Brady also informs us what a "true whore" is...I was flattered he mentioned me. My favorite part of the episode: The 24 style ending with boxes of Hope, Bo, and Ciara's faces....it was tacky yet...okay no it was just tacky.

Carly says that Daniel cannot talk to the patient because.....she is MIDDLE EASTERN!Guess what Carly also seems to know the language! Wow who knew Carly Manning spoke Arabic, it is like we learn something knew everyday! Daniel and Melanie buy her lies, while Chloe is still hiding behind that damn curtain. Daniel and Melanie are confused because they did not know Carly works with immigrants...is Carly racist and no one knew? Chloe thanks Carly for lying and we learn Chloe will find out the paternity of her baby on her birthday. It is the gift that keeps on giving! Carly hates lying but she will keep doing it, even though its getting harder now that Melanie won't shut up about how great her mom is. Melanie gets offered a job at St. Mary's but turns it down to work with her fabulous parents....which is foreshadowing that it IS NOT CARLY AND DANIEL! Chloe sneaks out of her room, thinks she forgets her phone, but then remembers she has it...God I wish this was a joke. She runs into Daniel and he falls for her lies because he is dumber than usual.

Previews: Sami yells at Dick that he set them up that sick bastard. So he gave you a dying baby big deal! Okay that actually is a big deal..punch him Sami!

Hope tells Justin that she deserves to suffer for what she's done. Yes she deserves to suffer for not eating and offending my eyes. I'm still rooting for a prison yard storyline where she gets her ass kicked by a big bitch named Lily. A Dainty name for a big woman.

Brady yells at Arianna to give him a drink! Okay he must be dumb because if you want booze you go to Nicole, not Arianna. So Brady falls off the wagon because Nicole lies to him again. If he does this every time she lied he would die of alcohol poisoning.

General Hospital Curtain!

Hope cries, and cries, and then cries some more but doesn't really tell Ciara anything but Goodbye.....Mommy's going to the slammer WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. The whole episode Bo and Hope hug the little creeper who does not get what the hell her mother is talking about. As if this child had not been through enough, now her mother has emotionally scarred her some more. Julie shows up and has no idea WTF is going on. Hope explains NOTHING and just says this is all her fault, but Julie blames Bo...she is the smart one in the family. Bo takes Hope to the station, where everyone stares at Hope and that God awful Bumpit.

Brady is angry at Nicole about the money thing, and yelling at her while she is half naked. Can either Brady take his clothes off or have Nicole put some on because this is just unbalanced! Angry Brady is so much more interesting than horny nice Brady. Also, I think he is smarter after sex, just a theory. So Nicole spends the whole time saying she can explain, but um does NOT explain. Brady takes her to the police station to admit how she got the money in the illegal account. At the station Nicole sees Dick...the guy not the ya know, and Roman and Brady can tell she is lying about not knowing he was alive. Before there can be an explanation Hope and Bo walk in, Dick says Hope, Nicole is like WTF is Hope wearing a bumpit for, and Hope wants to cry some more. It's been a busy day people.

Now the hospital incident...Oh LORD! One must ask themselves did Nadia Bjorlin practice on her curtains at home. Daniel tries to pull back the curtain but Chloe holds onto it for dear life, possibly peeing and pooing in the process. Chloe mouths OH GOD more times then she has in all of her sex scenes. Carly is wondering what the hell Melanie is doing there and how in the hell everyone in the damn hospital has the last name SCOTT! Melanie suspects her mother is hiding something, and Carly lies to Daniel some more telling him about the patient mix up and how her patient doesn't speak English. CAN THIS GET ANY CRAZIER?! Daniel does his consult, Chloe feels guilty, and Melanie doesn't get what the hell is going on. Daniel wants to apologize to "Dana", and Carly tries to stop him again while Chloe is back behind the damn curtain again!

Previews: Chloe asks Carly if she is going to back out of their deal. Well she just told Daniel you are a non English speaking Whore who needs a paternity test...telling the truth now would be STUPID! Carly and Chloe are lying so much that they are going to get caught in the dumbest way possible and everyone is going to hate them again. Unfortunately, I will have lost interest by then!

Melanie says she doesn't believe her. Assuming she means Carly, and its amazing that Melanie knows her mother so well now that she can tell when she is lying. AMAZING! Everyone is starting to like Carly which means she is soooooo screwed once the truth comes out. SCREWED! and not in a good Nicole in a motel room sort of way!

Hope tells everyone she was behind the muggings. Roman looks upset that Hope took him in a fight but let's face it most of the women in town can. Brady is also trying to figure out how Hope reached the top of his head when she is so much shorter than him. TONS of questions but they are mostly directed at Hope's weight and bumpit anyway.

All My Rough Sex

Hope finds out that she is guilty of the muggings and of trying to kill Bo. Wow...whoever thought this was a good storyline idea...should be forced to watch it on repeat for an entire year! We may have found the perfect thing as a substitute for torture in Guantanamo Bay. She watches the video of herself and learns that she is thinner than she thought, but of course she still won't eat. Hopefully she goes to jail and gets beat up in the yard, gains 30 pounds and comes back as the old Hope. Hope is tired of hurting people and she knows what to do...however she took no consideration when it came to my eyes.

Phillip and Nathan spend time together...new couple? Thanks for this pointless fake friendship. Stephanie thinks Phil is hiding something...out of everyone it is HER who figures this out...righttttttttt. Yes this is highly probable, and perhaps Stephanie should work for the police and FBI and figure more stuff out.

Carly takes Chloe to St. Mary's for her paternity test. FIELD TRIP!!! Chloe asks Carly to be the godmother of the baby....because she did such a great job of abandoning her children and as Brady's godmother. The fact that these two are bonding so quickly is amazing since it took Melanie and Carly SIX MONTHS to start bonding. Carly runs into someone who looks amazingly like Melanie from behind for help..OH WAIT IT IS YOUR DAUGHTER FROM BEHIND!! Daniel is there to see Donna Scott, not Dana Scott which is Chloe's alias. Carly clearly came up with that name and of course the files get mixed up and Daniel ends up in Chloe's room. Daniel introduced himself and Chloe freaks the fuck out. Apparently hiding directly behind the curtain is the only thing she can think of.

Dick is at the police station and somehow able to use his cell phone. Roman recognizes him from somewhere and Roman is a moron so that in itself is amazing. Nicole agrees to take care of Dick, while Brady goes through Nicole's financial stuff. When she returns she lies to him some more, so Brady decides its time to throw Nicole around in the sexual sense. The clothes come off, there is some dry humping, and some mouth covering. It would have been porn but there was no cheesy music as usual and I was disappointed. However Brady was shirtless and mean...he is smooth. After it is over he is really rude and Nicole is confused, but Brady says he hopes she enjoyed that because they are over! Well, I would have enjoyed that thanks!

Previews: Daniel says that he really needs to open this curtain. First off no one ever says that. Secondly, Chloe holds onto the curtain for dear life to the point she may have crapped herself. The look of fear on her face is comical as well as amazing since a damn curtain is separating them!

Nicole screams why she would lie because she didn't do anything. I love people who lie about lying and then get caught in more lies. Brady is so angry though he should "forgive" her, have rough sex with her AGAIN, and then dump her again.

Hope tells Ciara that she did something wrong....aside from giving birth to Ciara and dropping 80 pounds?

One Bo to Stab

I'm backkkkkkkkk and I'm about to tear a hole into this show!! Kind of like Hope trying to stab Bo throughout the whole show. Hope does not know how to handle a knife, probably because she doesn't eat or cook anything. She tries to stab Bo repeatedly but cannot seem to grasp the concept that you aim for the body and not the air surrounding him. She even has soundtrack music to stab to, which is a man wailing...but not Bo?! Bo finally grabs her and handcuffs her to the chair. He tapes her confessing to the muggings and trying to set him on fire. She hates him, but loves him, and he loves her. Just wait until she seems all that mascara she has on, she'll scream. She falls asleep and finally the crazy bitch shuts up.

Rafe questions Fay, who has burned everything that Nicole sent her. So Fay destroys all of Nicole's blackmail evidence. Rafe is left with a pile of garbage to sort through. Do I even need to address the monumental waste of time? Rafe literally stands around looking dumb and accomplishing nothing every week. Has he considered dating Chloe?

Melanie surprises Chloe at her place and tells her how she wants a kid too. Great the way she is bossing around Chloe, she's going to steal this kid and raise it as her own. And if Phillip is the daddy technically she is also the step mommy! Melanie introduces the new nurse Kathleen to her parents, and brags about them...has she met them? She talks about how great Dr. Manning and Dr. Jonas are. Yeah they aren't that special. Kathleen might end up dating Daniel though if Melanie is lucky. Carly takes DNA from them both, and they should have done this MONTHS ago to prove Melanie was her kid. Carly is LYING to everyone again, and she feels guilty. She is also realizing how screwed she is if Melanie and Daniel found out she is lying again. Carly arranges for Chloe's paternity test at St. Mary's while Dan and Melanie plan to go there. COINCIDENCE!! This NEVER happens on soap operas.

Nicole and Brady have lots of sex. Also they are naked during this sex...just thought I'd share that. Dick gets arrested and calls Nicole for help. While Nicole is gone, Brady gets a phone call from Nicole's bank and finds information about Nicole having lots of money. This is Brady so he will not figure anything out tomorrow. It will take a few more hours or even days. Also, while Brady shirtless is great, I worry he will catch a cold. Nicole gives Dick money and thinks she is home free....which means she is screwed!

Previews: Melanie tells Daniel that Chloe is keeping a secret. I bet Melanie thinks Chloe has fake boobs and is worried about nursing. Okay Mel unfortunately Chloe's boobs are real and they are fabulous. We all have to come to terms with this one.

Brady asks Nicole where she got all this money. I would just lie and say I took it to the track or that I was working the streets with Kate. Either way this is Brady we are dealing with so it doesn't matter what you say..he'll believe anything.

Hope says to Bo that she would never hurt anyone. Well technically she did not really hurt Bo, but she may have hurt the other men by giving them headaches. Okay I'm rethinking this. She should really say, "I never ate anything" because we all know that at least is the truth. Best advise for Hope right now: Number 2 supersized.