The Screwed and the Restless

Phillip and Melanie are at the Java Cafe talking about Vivian and Victor. Phillip realizes that all of Phillip's wives have homicidal tendencies. Guess Phillip forgot he has a thing for lying sluts...don't judge Victor! They have no idea why he'd marry Vivian...because they apparently are now morons too. Kate overhears and cannot believe it either. Why is everyone so shocked? Victor does crazy shit all the time, it's part of the Kiriakis charm.

Vivian and Victor are at the mansion and Vivian feels like a girl...well one would hope so considering you are a woman. Victor says she is a very old twelve...this man is a snarky catch! Vivian totally misses all the contempt that is directed her way, and then makes the mistake of telling Victor that she told Phillip the "good" news. It's like she stole his Viagra...he upset because he does that stare.

Sami comes in talking to the baby saying she trusts Rafe and not EJ...what a valuable lesson to be teaching an infant. Daddy sucks but mommy's boyfriend is great! Will sees Sami's face and goes WTF?...which is what I say when I see Will's face..INTERESTING! Sounds like Will wants to try to beat up Nicole too, but his mommy took care of it. Maybe she can beat up Chad for him or something. She says Rafe will take care a of business and make the kidnappers pay.....Clearly the audience has not met this Rafe guy she is talking about. We do see the Rafe we know and love with Benny the goon.....Rafe will probably fail again.

Anna is flirting with her cabana boy/yoga instructor. She is incredibly flexible...yeah half the town knows. Anna goes on and on about how things are looking up for her and how she took a risk and it paid off. The FORESHADOWING is AMAZING! Essentially all this implies that Anna is completely screwed!

Nicole and EJ are still fighting, just the way they did when they were married! Wait are they still technically married, because not remembering a divorce. Nicole can tell EJ is scared. Well yeah he is in the Pub and that scary ice patch is just outside and he and everyone else can slip on it just like Daniel did!

Benny is on the phone with his lawyer and Rafe is eating peanuts. RUDE! Rafe really is like someone's meathead obnoxious older brother. Rafe scares Benny by telling him that he should not trust his lawyer because of all the connections Anna has. Rafe is now Benny's best friend.....now Benny is screwed!

EJ thinks Nicole has lost touch with reality, like the rest of the town? She can tell EJ is scared and she just has to figure out why. Side note: Why are her bruises so well healed? It's only been a day and she looks fabulous with those little marks.

Kate is not going to let Victor marry Vivian. Somehow Phillip and Mel blame her for everything, even cracking poisoning jokes. He says Victor is doing this to get back at her. Phillip's face looks very wrinkly...he mother should hook him up with some plastic surgery or botox! And since when are people not realizing that this all has to do with CARLY?!!

Vivian and Victor are fighting over her telling Phillip about the wedding. He warns her not to mess with his family and they are ALL MEN! My God Victor is in MAN LAND, no wonder he hates women. He threatens her that there might not be a wedding after all. Well there goes the registry to Guns N Ammo!

Sami tells Will how she is happier. Who cares about that? Sydney is wearing Brown UGGS! She looks fabulous in her brown number and those boots are to die for. At least someone can pull off a nice pair of boots on this show! Rafe shows up and it does not really matter because Sami will just end up screwing things up again.

EJ does that charming thing where he grabs women and manhandles them. Nicole is going to have another bruise. He makes comments about being a toucher. EJ and Carly hook up?? Kinsey comes up to the table and makes her annoying self known! Apparently she is popular on twitter which means this show really is fictional. She wants to sell more autographs and both Nicole and EJ want to kill her. She starts insulting EJ then realizes who he is. Then she makes a Sopranos joke and insults Italians! She really knows how to piss me off!

Vivian tries to convince Victor to change his mind, but now he is annoyed. Vivian is nervous and panicky..she is like the older version of Melanie. Victor makes a run for the door. Boy does he have cold feet! Melanie leaves Phillip and Kate at the Cafe, knocking the table on the way out. Molly confirms she did that by accident!! Bloopers make the show more charming. Phillip challenges Kate to act like a grown up...can you ask her to dress like one while you are at it?

Nicole gives away that she does not know everything which kind of sucks! EJ then wonders if Nicole was working with Anna and planned the kidnapping. Does he have to blame everyone and their mother for kidnapping his daughter? He then brings up SAMANTHA!!! His favorite topic and he majors in Sami Brady. Rafe goes over Sami's and tells her news he could have told her OVER THE PHONE! Will is taking Sydney to the park...he needs friends. Sami wanted to be alone with Rafe....she is horny and better use protection this time because the rhythm method ain't working.

Vivian and Kate are going to get into a bitch fight and Phillip has front row seats! Melanie is with Maggie talking about how Phillip is dealing with everything. Victor stops by to visit Maggie...maybe he thinks it's bad that all that booze is going to waste.

Nicole realizes that EJ has changed and has some feelings for Sami. She rubs it in that he will never be as happy as he once was, and that she hates his guts now. EJ then makes a comment about her face. These two should go on the Marriage Ref...its on NBC!!! EJ then gets a call and it must be bad news because he screams DAMN and does the eye blinking. That's what most people do when they watch this show actually.

Sami and Rafe are making out but a squeaky toy interrupts them. Sami does not want to be on a break anymore. Did that really have to be said?? You two are making out, and that is not break behavior!

Vivian and Kate are arguing and some really bad music plays in the background. Vivian refers to Phillip as her son again and most of us can recite their fight now because it always involves the same insults. Melanie leaves Maggie and Victor alone to talk. Maggie sees through all of Victor's bullshit and it seems Victor is turned on by all of this. Victor wants to be friends and Maggie looks confused but goes along with it...Bow Chicka Bow wow!

EJ calls Anna to tell her that Benny got arrested. She does not give a shit because it is EJ's problem. Yeah, he really did not have to call her. Although we did learn that Anna is having an affair with clotted cream...which has to be the grossest possible sex reference I have ever heard.

Nicole runs into Sydney and Will. Apparently Will thought it was a great idea to take Sydney to a PIER! Damn I wish my brother took me to the PIER when we were kids.

Phillip uses the Vivian and Kate fight as a way of getting the hell out of there. Don't really blame him seeing as how the fight was kind of boring. Vivian invites Kate to the wedding. Now see that is classy right there to invite to someone who will most likely object. Wonder if she gets them weapons as their wedding gift. Kate goes all ghetto on Vivian and says the weddin' ain't happenin.' Melanie rescues Phillip outside and whisks him away....to a bedroom!

Maggie thinks it's a bad idea for Vivian and Victor to marry. She calls Victor and Kate NUTS! Maggie is speaking the obvious today but it is so sassy and straightforward that it is FUN! Victor confides in her that he does not have a choice and has to marry Vivian. Wow Victor is being sweet and sincere with Maggie. Not going to lie they are very cute with one another.

Thank you Days for the extreme close up of EJD on one of EJ's shirts. Good to know you'd rather give closeups to inanimate objects then to your cast. Rafe and Sami and having one of those dragged out break ups where one of them tries to tell the other it is over but the other one is not getting it. Sami is the dumb one not getting it today.

Melanie surprises Phil with a hotel room, but that is really not a surprise because they always go there. Wondering if Carly is staying at the same hotel....EWWW thin walls. They start having sex and now Phillip is getting screwed!

Victor will not give Maggie details but he explains that he has no choice but to marry Vivian in the best interest of his family. She understands what he means somehow and then they commence joking around, flirting, and being cute with one another. Maggie thinks Victor could be a decent man if he was not Victor. Well thank you Maggie Horton for leaving us with that nugget of thought.

Kate and Vivian are still fighting and they finally realize that Phillip is not there. It's actually funny because they look around trying to find him as if he is still there or if he was a missing puppy. The crazy old bats still look like they are crazy old bats.

Rafe and Sami are sad and she thinks if they are together and are a family they won't be sad anymore. This from Sami Brady the personification of DEPRESSION! Sydney calls Nicole "MAMMA" when she sees her and that was the most adorable and saddest thing ever. Nicole explains to her that she is NOT her Mommy and that was the nicest thing from Nicole, who finally grew up and realized she was in the wrong. Still sad she has to walk away from Sydney's life.

Thank You Days for sharing moments like this with us. We always want to see Phillip and Melanie spooning because it really progresses the storyline so much. Next time let someone bust in on them to make it a little more interesting. Meanwhile Vivian does a bum rush into the mansion , pours herself some booze, and then makes a dive for the sofa. Victor agrees that they will continue with the wedding and then Vivian goes wedding planner crazy. Victor wants nothing to do with it whatsoever so he just asks that she make it tasteful....apparently he is blind and has not gotten a good look at Viv's wardrobe and hair. Victor basically announces that he is SCREWED!

Nicole continues to let Sydney know how she feels. She tells the baby that she has a mommy who loves her and that she wishes her nothing but happiness. Will is even crying at how sincere Nicole is being. She says she will never forget Sydney. Ari Zucker is AMAZING as Nicole today and she stole the show. She made Nicole tough and vulnerable all in one episode. Seriously amazing!

Rafe and Sami have no idea what the word "love" means. Someone get the two idiots and dictionary because they are dying here. Rafe sees the EJD shirt and decides it is time to leave. They did not make up, they did not pass go, and they did not collect 200 dollars. Now is the time when Sami starts crying and here....she.......GOES! Tears!

EJ gets a phone call about Benny. Hopefully the guy is either dead or got a new lawyer who knows how to be a lawyer. Meanwhile Anna is getting a massage and feels the need to moan like she is orgasming. Someone is massaging her and then the hands disappear for someone else to take over. This person has man hands with very large Godfather style rings. Hmmm who can it be?? Suddenly the massage begins to hurt and who is it but none other than STEFANO DIMERA!! Let's pray the Old Stefano is FINALLY back! and Anna is essentially....say it with me folks....SCREWED!

Previews: Sami asks EJ who he is and what he has done with the old EJ DiMera..Funny I ask myself the same thing about Sami Brady! Who is this new woman and why is she just an annoying bitch instead of the fun evil bitch of old? And EJ better cut the shit with this nice act and he better live to pay because this whole thing is getting annoying.

Nicole tells Chloe that they will probably never hear from Anna DiMera again. Hearing that is just Days' way of saying we are going to hear from her again. Seriously why get rid of Anna anyway? She is a fun villain and her scenes aren't pure torture to sit through....plus she hates EJ.

Stefano screams at Anna that he wants the truth....he is on the wrong show if he really wants that. Hopefully he is back to his old self and threatens to kill or torture the woman. Someone best pay for this kidnapping crap!