All My Dick Jokes.

Carly decides that she WILL NOT tell Daniel about the Chloe affair, but she urges Chloe to tell the truth regardless. However this doesn't last long dammit. Melanie tells her mommy, who she really gets along with lately, that she does not want Chloe and her Daddy getting married. She thinks Chloe's boobs, no wait her EYES, are distracting. See as a lady I find Chloe's tan distracting. If that wasn't enough Kate then decides to inform Carly about how big a whore Chloe is. Carly then freaks out and scares the crap out of Chloe, telling her she is going to tell Daniel if Chloe does not. Lovely how this all happened in one episode, yet still wasted our time. Perfect! Notice how she DOES NOT really focus on the fact that Hope hates her again! Interesting!

Unfortunately all THAT was the exciting part of the episode. Yes...THAT!

Nathan turns down a important position in the Johns Hopkins medical program. Why? Because he wants to stay in Salem with Stephanie. No you didn't read that wrong people. Nathan is an idiot who stayed in town to be with the boring Stephanie....and probably just to stare at Melanie. This guy cannot get any more sad.

Nicole basically annoys Brady the whole episode following him around Nicole is never THIS annoying and pathetic and its really sad she chases Brady this way. He wants her to get lost and visit Arianna but Nicole keeps getting in his way. Nicole then gets confronted by Baker who wants to leave town and wants cash from Nicole. Okay I can't handle anymore Dick jokes...alright who am I kidding. Keep up the Dick jokes!

SeeWhoreA is everywhere!! She knows what Carly catching a bouquet means, and then jacks the bouquet somehow later on. She insists that her mother is a big or THIN liar. She tells Vivian she is pretty, and Justin takes her away. Put her in an institution for that reason alone! Bo and Hope discuss why on earth SeeWhoreA would lie. Even Bo thinks its dumb at this point, and suggests they look under the bed. Wow it only took them two whole weeks to decide to do that. They find Hope's box, which has been missing since that acid vat incident if you ask me.

Other things that happened this episode, but not huge deals: Phil and Chloe discuss their sex again. Can we get more flashbacks of this because we haven't had enough? What we NEED more of is Victor and Maggie. Their flirting continues, and Victor comforts her when she misses Mickey. Phil and Steph discuss her baby scheme, while Nathan and Mel discuss Johns Hopkins stupidity. EJ is hired as Arianna's lawyer because he is the smartest person in town all of a sudden next to Melanie. Yes, I never thought I'd say that either. She gives him a dollar and he is hired! I will give EJ a dollar to shut up just so I could stare at him shirtless all day. How about that? Brady walks in on them and is wondering why there is hand holding.

Previews: Carly freaks and yells at Chloe that she has to tell Daniel tonight. Oh butt out Manning! Couldn't they have made this a way better storyline? This would be a better plan if Carly told Melanie and Kate what had happened and they all went to burn Chloe at the stake! Had Carly TOLD someone else this would have been more fun. Hell let's even invite Nathan to join and bring the matches! And for the love of God, get Carly some good clothes.

Nicole wants to know who Baker's partner is. Dick has a partner? Okay this joke might be pushing boundaries. I'm not going there because I know Days will steal my Dick jokes. I'm not touching Dick....jokes.

EJ tells Arianna that he knows she is innocent. Well, yeah because she is not bright enough to pull this all off. Plus, EJ read NBC.com's list of character's and their descriptions and he knows that Arianna is not considered a villain on the show. Also, I'm convinced EJ reads Soap Opera Digest because he's been on the cover two weeks in a row and has plans.

The Booze and the Best Wedding Ever!

So Days was preempted yesterday and yesterday's episode is shown today! Honestly thank GOD that someone made this decision because this episode was probably the BEST and FUNNIEST episode of Days that I have seen in a long time.

Maggie tries to get Victor to run away but its too late. Victor is marrying Vivian because he has to keep his word in order to protect his family. Everyone wants to leave but Maggie convinces everyone to stay because it would ruin Vivian's plan to separate Victor from his loved ones. Okay over the course of the hour we were treated to the best eye rolling, disgusted faces, giggles, and snarky jokes I have ever seen on ONE episode of the show. Since so much happened at this party I will describe some highlights.

The Ex Wives of Victor Photo: Nicole gathers herself, Vivian, Kate, and Carly for a photo op that Victor cannot wait to display in his Den. Four bitter women and booze just made the Real Housewives of Victor a pretty good webseries idea! Also, the four ladies had flashbacks to their weddings. Kate misses Victor, Nicole wanted to puke, Carly was disgusted with her wedding dress and Victor, and Vivian cried.

BOOZE: The booze was flowing at this wedding! Nicole had about 4 Martinis and some champagne. Also Nicole and Kate were getting along because they couldn't help laughing at the situation. I still think it was the BOOZE! Victor got in on the action when he stopped the ceremony for some Scotch.

Bad Wedding memories: Who doesn't love snarky comments about past bad weddings? Chloe remembered being poisoned by Kate, Shootings on the roof were brought up, now this is real love!

Melanie HATES Chloe: I just found a new reason to love Melanie. She does not like Chloe. She realizes that Chloe is all wrong for her dad, and can you blame the girl? Chloe is acting like a cray cray! She freaks out when Daniel announces that they are getting married very soon. Bo even tries to get on Melanie's side when he tells her the Vivian/Victor wedding is his fault. Phillip has his flashback sex, and someone needs to get him some porn to distract him from that. Melanie is going to have an interesting couple of months!!

Now unfortunately I have to get back to the rest of the episode. Okay then....

Rafe. Rafe gets a dangerous cellmate who might kill him. Wow this has promise. Okay no it doesn't because it is Shane Donovan. Mr. Sheffield is in jail for trying to assassinate the President. Whateverrr. The best part is how shocked he is that Sami had another baby! Yeah Shane she just never stops!

Hope and SeeWhoreA are still arguing over that damn treasure box that is under her bed. First off how amazing is it that Hope holds on to those ice skates the entire conversation. She knows her kid is crazy and will use them as weapons. Secondly, just LOOK under your damn bed already! She arrives at the mansion and someone wasn't invited to the wedding!! No presents for Vivian! She walks in to see Vivian throw the bouquet and Carly catching it. Bo is probably shitting his pants in the other room.

Previews: Nathan doesn't want to give up John Hopkins just to be with Steph. Well WOW. That is a strong declaration of love right there. In Fact, I say run out and screw his brains out Steph! JFC Nathan needs a chick manual. These two are so wrong for one another, and its starting to make me very resentful that ANY woman, even Stephanie, would put up with this crap.

Chloe tells Carly that she is trying to ruin her life and Daniel's life. Well if Salem wasn't so boring, and Carly had a better storyline than MAYBE this wouldn't be the case Chloe. Unfortunately, you have a big mouth and Carly knows everything so she has to ruin your life so that her life looks better than yours. Plus its not like she is a Doctor or anything and in a relationship to be bothered with you. No wait....she is a Doctor, and she has a job, a new kid, um friends now...... Wait why is Carly doing this?

EJ says that if she will have him, he will be Arianna's lawyer. So he is now defending the woman who MIGHT have mugged him. Obviously EJ has half a brain and can tell Ari was framed. Also, I have been saying these two should at least do it for months now! This leads me to believe I am RIGHT and they will hook up at least once. Does DAYS read my stuff? Hmmmm only time will tell.

Text Messages of Our Lives

Okay this is a special episode because almost all our characters are in the SAME place at the same time!! PARTY!!

Vivian texted the whole damn town to come to her spontaneous wedding, under the guise of Victor being in trouble. Confused as to why she invited people she hates like Kate, but whatever bring on the drunks! Victor is NOT happy at all about the whole thing and everyone else looks like they are trying to not laugh their asses off. Maggie wants Victor to call it off, and their relationship actually makes me happy. Its so rare on this show! Carly wants Bo to let his dad off the hook, but he reminds her Vivian is a huge problem. Carly tells Bo that MURDER IS WRONG!!! um, Lawrence Alamain? Do we remember him Carly? Daniel and Chloe are talking about their wedding, and not about how she cheated on Danny....with Phillip, not because she went tanning without him.

Okay listen I'm just waiting for the grand EXES of Victor Photo op with Nicole, Vivian, Kate, and Carly. This is going to be AMAZING people because its hysterical they are all in the same room and are getting along. Plus they are all drinkers which tells you how Victor likes his women.

Sami has a fun episode today. Kate tells her why she sucks as a mom, which is great because Kate got rid of all her kids and OWNS it. She tells Sami she is losing Will to Stefano and maybe that is a good thing because Sami can barely dress herself let alone take care of her kids. Then Sami has to deal with Caroline "I am a hypocrite Christian boozer" Brady. Caroline wants Sami out of that house but its not happening soon. Caroline decides that praying for Stefano to die is the best course of action. Very Christian of you Caroline!! Maybe you should get yourself a man and mind your business.

Will and Stefano bond!! He calls him Guglielmo, which is William in Italian but probably the most embarrassing thing ever! Will lets him know that the Italian nicknames do not work for him. Stefano is wearing his leather jacket and trying to be hip. Its so sad yet hysterical all at the same time. Chad comes in and its like Stefano has little minions in training. Madeline comes in and freaks out like most women in this damn town. She tells Stefano she has a tape she will use against him. My question: Why does Stefano LET this woman have something over him? Was she that good a prostitute?

Boozer of the Day: Kate for drinking a Martini at 10am which is clearly happy hour. And while she was drinking she still had to school Sami on all things Chanel!

Previews: Hope and SeeWhoreA argue over whether mommy has a treasure box or not. Most mothers would go to the bed and SHOW their kids there is nothing there. Maybe if Hope ate something she would be brilliant enough to come up with this genius plan I just had. Yes your child is cray cray but at least prove that she is a little creeper!

Victor asks Vivian if she wants a wedding or not. Well that just screams ROMANCE! Seriously I love Vivian and Victor but why on earth does she have to marry him? They are JUST friends and its not like he won't give her shit. She is going to get all jealous of Maggie which is interesting because I am already picturing the cat fights in my mind that will never take place on this show.

Rafe picks up his cellmate and says its YOU! You is Shane Donovan. Sorry if you are spoiled but I mean really......is it that shocking? It's Mr. Sheffield from the Nanny for anyone not aware of Shane. Also, who cares that Shane is back? Until Kim comes back and then MAYBE we can have fond memories of when the show was fun to watch!

One Text Message to Everyone

The Days hair department must have gotten a raise. GOOD HAIR DAY!! And we don't count Vivian because its a cray cray choice with that character.

Carly is still horny after having sex with Bo the night before. Like HORNY HORNY! Salem must be so boring there is nothing or no one else to do. She also apparently raided Chloe's closet and is wearing a dress. WOW. Hope and the Little Devil interrupt them. Carly leaves and Bo and Hope discuss their evil spawn and her problems. Bo learns from the little creeper that Mommy has a treasure box. Bo looks as freaked out about his kid as we are. Her cray cray overwhelms him. Luckily he gets a text about Victor and neglects his daughter.

While Carly is not being Horny she butts into Chloe's love life. Chloe and Daniel have the same exact conversation they always have. This time Chloe does a 180...yes I am stealing lines from the show...and blames herself for all her problems. She even defends Carly at one point....whatever pills she taking, I WANT SOME! So Chloe and Daniel accomplish nothing the whole episode. Carly asks if she told Daniel the truth and she can tell Chloe is still lying. Carly threatens to tell Daniel if she does not. Daniel overhears them but gets a text about Victor. There is a theme here....

Ari is in jail and all the evidence proves she is guilty. Funny how that works out. She has had it with Brady not believing her, and I've had it with her storyline. She makes him leave, and then has to deal with Hope who is no comfort whatsoever. Hope says she understands why Ari would do it, overlooking the fact the girl is still saying she is innocent. Hope is such a good listener, especially with her cray cray child who has told her 5 times that she keeps a box under her bed. GO LOOK!

Nicole is trying to do a story on Arianna but Phillip tells her to cut her shit. She and Melanie get into a little bitchfest, but Nicole ends up doing a piece in favor of Arianna. Melanie loves her husband for fixing everything and she still doesn't realize he made a stupid mistake named Chloe. They are going to have sex, but GUESS WHAT?? He gets a text about Victor. Nicole and Brady discuss Arianna's problems, and Brady is still so slow that he does not get what Nicole is doing. Luckily for Brady he gets a text about Victor.....hmm I'm going to guess something is up with Victor.

Vivian is upset because Victor has gas. Victor makes it clear he does not want to marry Vivian, but he is a man of his word. She thinks they are perfect for one another, but apparently the "I hate Carly" bond they both have is not enough to commit. Vivian cares for Victor and he admits they have a certain something, but he still has gas. Vivian gets the gas and she hears a THUD. The episode ends with Vivian teary eyed......however, she is clearly texting everyone. My question: Who taught Vivian how to text on person let alone the whole town?

Previews: Vivian is sad and says she didn't want it to happen this way. Maybe Victor passed out in the bathroom because his gas was so bad. Indigestion is serious business folks! Maggie needs to smuggle Victor out of the country or something.

Bo is concerned about Victor. Since when? You know if it wasn't for Bo poor Victor would not be in this mess. Does he really have to marry Vivian? Can't he just lock her up in a cellar or have her deported? There are other ways to get rid of the weirdo. Bring IVAN back!

Stefano and Will are bonding. Stefano says to Will not to get mad and to get even!! I LOVE that Stefano and Will are becoming close. Will hasn't had a stable guy in his life and Stefano actually seems to like Will. Sure Stefano is evil but you know what, Will needs to toughen up considering his parents are so messed up themselves. This is becoming cute and can lead to so many things down the road. I APPROVE! .....it was bound to happen eventually.

The Wine and the Restless

Today's episode is sponsored in part by WINE and BOOZE. Almost everyone was drinking, and the people who weren't really needed a shot!

Carly is going to tattle on Chloe!!! Great another reason to dislike Carly, how many more do we need? Okay, it makes sense that she would want to tell Daniel but, this is seriously how you go about getting buried alive again. Stay out of other people's business and worry about your own life. Try that for one day! Carly is sad that she has ugly luggage and luckily Bo is there to have sex with. In fact, Carly FINALLY gets drunk and does something interesting. Perhaps this is a Carly turning point. Her and Bo finish a bottle of wine and drunkenly cannot find the other's buttons in order to have sex. We don't get the hot Phillip/Chloe action here because those two clearly handle their liquor better.

Daniel tells Bo how his stupid plan of having Carly move in didn't work. He tells Chloe that he wants to move the wedding day up. How does this fix their problems? Chloe wants to tell him the truth but he keeps interrupting her. Even he is tired of hearing her cry and whine. Daniel just wants Chloe to say YES to marrying him.....since when does Chloe say No? Yes, she said it last week but it was a fluke. She agrees to marry Daniel sooner rather than later. Hope Daniel can perform emergency DNA tests when this baby is born.

Rafe gets arrested for poisoning Anna, when really he should have been arrested for harassing her. Stefano is behind the whole thing. If you ask me, Rafe got what he deserved for being a moron. Anna finally wakes up to say EJ but NO ONE hears her confess he was the culprit. Also, we learn that Rafe is the cure for insomnia along with other characters. He dreams that he tells Sami he loves her. Notice there are no children and she has on a new outfit....yep a DREAM!

Which brings me to Ari and Brady!!! Okay Ari got framed, Nicole did the framing. Brady learns that Ari was in a gang, or in reality dated the gang leader. This girl knows how to pick em! Nicole warns Baker that the muggings have to stop, but he knows that will be a problem. Hope will have to deal with that eventually, but right now she has the little cyco SeeWhoreA on her hands. The little devil got into mom's wallet collection. Perhaps the nanny should be using restraints with that kid. The DNA tests reveal it was Arianna, and Brady is confused, which makes Arianna freak out. Unfortunately, the story is still lame.

Sami and EJ ALMOST kiss. Like they were so close and then DAMMIT! Stefano interrupts them and even I am annoyed. The faster they get together, then the bigger the fall out when she finds out he is an asshole. Or was an asshole, whatever you want to believe. Stefano applauds EJ for the way he is handling the situation, but THEN agrees with ME that this is going soooooo slow! Stefano wants EJ to hurry up and explain how he feels. Sami cannot sleep especially since we keep having to hear Sydney cry on the baby monitor. Was that necessary? Also, she comes down for some wine to help her sleep. At least she isn't popping pills like Hope. She tells EJ that she is in love with Rafe and wants a life with him. Okay Rafe is a boring moron, and its obvious you are obsessed with the British dude! Just be dumb, take EJ back, and then realize you have been a moron all along. Also, dump the robe Sami.

Previews: Brady asks Ari if she was set up. Um, she has been saying she is innocent so YES BRADY that is what that all implies. When someone says they are innocent and their DNA is everywhere, they have been set up! Now if only you can realize that Nicole has tried to ruin your love life a thousand times by doing shady shit. He needs to watch old episodes of Days.

Nicole is on the phone saying that Ari is guilty as sin. I like Nicole, and I am glad her plan worked, HOWEVER, this plan is beneath her and of course she will just get screwed over in the end. Let's realize that Brady is NOT for you and you need a guy with at least half a brain cell to date you. Please go annoy EJ because he at least deserves to be tortured.

Chloe tells Daniel its all her fault. Maybe she spilled the tanning lotion. She does that. Also, what happened to blaming everything on Carly?? She even told Carly she was going to tell Danny that she cheated all because of her. Did it make sense?? NOOOOOOO but its fun blaming Carly Manning for everything!! Let's face it people...even Carly hates Carly. However, this does not excuse Chloe from being a huge airhead when Daniel would forgive her no matter what she did. She could have lit an orphanage on fire and Daniel would take her back.

Guiding Anna...Through Rafe's Screaming

Will and Stefano are friends!! No this is not a joke, and its the fabulous truth. TEAM WILLFANO! Sami yells at Will for his bad grades, and then EJ gets on his case. Lucky for Will, Stefano offers the solution of fixing his grades for him. Side note: Will mentioned that Rafe was the reason for his good grades.....seriously Days? If Rafe is good at Algebra then Chloe is becoming a nun. Sami and EJ worry that Stefano wants to mentor Will, and they should be! Will has already cut his hair and he thinks Stefano is awesome! Look out Salem!! New Will is amazing!! Oh yeah by the way EJ and Sami are about to kiss. Ten bucks says something interrupts them...AGAIN!

Rafe is on this episode hovering over Anna. Nothing happens! Rafe just shouts at the poor woman in bed and I hope Leann wore ear plugs. Stefano tells EJ that he took care of Anna even though Rafe found her. He would never kill Anna, just put her in a little coma. That was sweet of him. Anna finally wakes up at the end and hopefully she is packing a weapon to stab Rafe with.

Melanie and Stephanie are still fighting. Had Melanie gone for the bumpit Stephanie would have lost. Maggie and a nurse separate them and Maggie wants to know what the hell happened. Melanie doesn't tell her anything good and Maggie should be Mayor of the town because she puts bitches in their place! Melanie tells Phillip what Stephanie is doing and he thinks she is a moron too. After the 90th flashback to Chloe sex, he decides to reward his wife for her honesty and takes her upstairs to do it! Across town Stephanie is having sex with Nathan...yet is having Melanie flashbacks during sex because Nathan is THAT good.

Daniel confronts Phillip about the Vivian and Victor dinner, and he wonders if Phillip can help him with Chloe. Going to your son in law who used to have sex with your girlfriend is never a good idea. Daniel is consistent though and goes to the next person who can obviously help....FATHER MATT?! Well actually Father Matt knows Chloe reallllllyyyyyy well. In the biblical sense and everything! Also, I realized Daniel has no man friends!! He should get some dudes together and ask their advice. My advice: dumb the scary bitch who is good in bed and sleep around like you used to until you figure out that you love her again and then sleep with her like nothing happened.

Chloe tells Nathan off and brings up Melanie stupidly. Nathan has no clue what Melanie has to do with anything, but he finally realizes that Chloe is a cray cray lost cause. Next time someone offers you sex therapy...TAKE IT CHLOE! Carly returns after Nathan leaves and says she heard everything.....yeah she really didn't. Carly Manning is a big liar! Chloe starts screaming that IT WAS JUST ONE TIME!! Carly is like HUH? WHAT? Somehow Carly puts it together that Chloe has just admitted that she cheated on Daniel. Maybe Carly should be a cop because it only took her one commercial break to figure everything out!

Previews: EJ yells at Stefano that he thought the Anna crap was over. Trust us EJ, we wish it was over too. James Scott may ad lib a confession to Sami with the amount of time this storyline has taken to play out. Just let him get busted already so we can move on with our lives.

Hope asks Brady if he knew about Ari's record. Doesn't the whole damn town know by now that this girl was in jail for drug dealing? Seriously, love the fact that one of the tiniest, innocent looking people survived a women's prison. Yeah, right! That girl would not last a week in the joint with her crying.

Carly tells Chloe that she wants her to tell Daniel the truth. Okay Carly is so nosy and had no right going to talk to Chloe in the first place. And if you are going to eavesdrop listen to the WHOLE conversation. The reason people hate Carly: She puts herself in these STUPID positions! Like Carly is really going to get Chloe to tell the truth. Rightttt! Carly is terrified of Caroline Brady, she cannot take on cray cray Chloe!

General Sex Therapy!

BO is back! Yeah the only person who cares is Carly. He tries to have sex with her even though she is wearing that hideous outfit. Maybe that was his plan to get her out of it. Anyway she brings up the ultimate turn off: Roman! UGH. Bo sees Hope at the hospital and its awkward staring time. Hope says she missed Bo, and poor Carly stands in the background playing with her own hands and acting like she got cramps.

There is so much evidence against Arianna now that it seems that she even thinks she did it. Nicole did such a great job framing her that the police are amazed they might actually solve this. Hope questions Ari and Brady thinks this whole thing is nuts. Hope wants a DNA sample from Ari. Okay normally when people are guilty they do not just hand over their DNA. That would be the FIRST clue that this girl was framed. Can we get her FBI brother's friends on this case? It clearly is having global ramifications. Nicole is watching this all and its still confusing why she gets to follow Arianna around wherever she goes.

Chloe had an active day....just not sexually active. She doesn't tell Daniel anything. She decides that lying is her best option. Phillip calls her annoyed that she is acting like a cray cray. She thinks everything will be fine, and oh yeah Nathan Knows!!! Phillip is livid and possibly plotting Chloe's assassination attempt in his mind. The girl don't shut up about their affair, but she wants it to be a secret. Nathan thinks Chloe needs sex therapy....yeah don't we all! Chloe suggests Nathan thinks she is a slut....no EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE A WHORE. Chloe starts yelling so loud that she decides the door needs to be open when she shouts about sex therapy....and Carly hears everything. In fact Carly looks into the apartment with that "hmmm what's going on over here, your storyline looks more interesting" look!

Melanie decided that today would be Butt into everyone's business day. First, she wanted Nathan's opinion on Chloe. When he didn't say anything worthwhile she decided hmmm who can I bug now? DADDY!!! She sees Daniel at the hospital and asks to talk to him about HIS love life. WHAT?? That's so awkward. She wants to know if Chloe makes him happy...I think she meant to ask "Dad besides the hot sex why are you with Chloe who is about 5 years older than me on Days time?" Daniel just has the most charming women around him...I mean, really. Next Melanie decides HEY let's see if Steph is packing the birth control pills. Hopefully Stephanie does not take that YAZ shit. Steph and Mel have it out over Stephanie's purse.....a cheap Target bag thank God.

Things are missing from this recap like Baker, Nathan, Carly, Nicole, Brady, Arianna, and etc shit! NOTHING was of importance and it was mostly looks they all gave throughout the show that look like either someone farted in the room or they were trying to divide large numbers.

Previews: Daniel asks Phillip how he could do something like that. Actually this is a continuation of a scene that was on today at the end of the show. Daniel is talking about having dinner with Vivian and Victor, all while Phillip is thinking Daniel knows everything. Phillip is going to pee his pants.

Chloe tells Nathan that he thinks he has a shot with Melanie. UGH. Seriously I don't care if Nathan knows about the affair, but does Chloe really have to bring up Melanie. Let's get back to the sex therapy sessions....which are probably run by Father Matt.

Melanie is with Maggie asking Stephanie if she wants to explain herself. Okay call me crazy but does Melanie really have ANY proof that Stephanie is trying to get pregnant. Its possible to lose your birth control! Stephanie is just giving herself away with the not drinking and the jumping on top of her purse. Melanie should have just told Nathan what happened, and then Stephanie would have been caught in a lie. DONE PERIOD FINISHED! Hopefully this storyline does not last all summer.

As the Chloe Gets Naked

Melanie/Phillip/Nathan/Stephanie: I am convinced they have all had sex with each other. Yes ALL of them. I don't trust the way Nathan looks at Phillip. Melanie and Phil fight about Chloe and Daniel being all wrong for each other. LOVE how Melanie thinks Chloe is a cray cray unstable drama queen. She just doesn't want her dad dating herself. Nathan and Stephanie are on another boring date. Stephanie thinks that Phil is hiding a big secret, and he just thinks she is annoying. Nathan and Melanie discuss why Chloe sucks.....and how she blows in general. Notice all the dirty innuendo directed at Chloe.

Speaking of Chloe....Daniel wants her to "open" up. This show is kinky. Daniel wants to talk and Chloe does not. Daniel then tries to do what he does best and shut her up by having sex. I will say for someone who is crazy, at least Chloe has the decency to put on a bra that matches her outfit. She tells Daniel to "stop," a word he very rarely hears and he looks pissed someone told Chloe what that word meant. Chloe is all sad and wants to tell Daniel what she did......but she won't. Take a pregnancy test and then pop the news!

Caroline finds Arianna in the dark, and the bitch looks suspicious. Outside Roman gets mugged, branded, and Carly finds him. Caroline doesn't seem concerned that Roman was attacked if you ask me. Roman is going to be fine, unfortunately. He asks Carly to take care of Caroline and she looks frightened. At first, I thought I was joking.....but then later on it actually seems Carly FEARS Caroline Brady. Dumb Carly tells Caroline all about her conversation with Hope. Caroline is annoyed that Hope blames Bo for everything. Carly looks like she wants to get the hell out of there.

Nicole's plan is working perfectly and this is scaring even her. Baker is successful in planting the evidence, but pisses off Hope by telling her he is calling the shots. She quickly fixes this and tells us her ultimate target is Bo....okay not that its shocking, but can she get rid of Mia too? Nicole tells Caroline she is sorry for her loss, to which Caroline reminds her that Roman is not dead. Nicole is the best character ever. Caroline and Nicole do clear the air, and the granny wants Nicole to investigate the muggings. TEAM NARLY SPOTTING! Nicole asks Carly about Roman, but Carly cannot comment to the press. Okay it was short, Carly dissed her, but this is the beginning people!!! Had Nicole poured booze in Carly's coffee it would have went better.

All this time Brady and Arianna are in the background being their annoying selves. Abe announces that the DNA found on the planted evidence belongs to Ari...DUN DUN DUN! Okay why is the Mayor making that announcement in a waiting room to people not on the police force? Someone is not partaking in Taco Wednesday at the pub. Brady seems confused as to what DNA is though so maybe he will stand by her.

Previews: Melanie and Stephanie fight over a purse. Maybe it was the last one at the store? I hope that was really a Target bag or something because bitch better not be touching my designer bag. Melanie is obviously looking to score some birth control in Steph's purse. Can Melanie just ignore Steph and stop acting like she is 5?

Chloe says something about Daniel finding out about Phillip. She has to stop talking to herself so loudly and mentioning sex if she does not want to get caught. Ironically, if she told Daniel the truth he would probably forgive her. But noooooooooo she is going to stretch this out until she gives birth. Why doesn't she just tell Carly or something....oh wait...that does eventually happen. OOPS.

Abe asks Ari if she has anyone to backup her alibi. If I were Ari I would claim that this is racial profiling. Seriously the minority gets questioned first, RUDE. She was obviously trying to sleep in her black jumpsuit with her hair done perfectly. Oh Ari has bad luck, the lady is always having sex with her boyfriend and OF ALL night's to wear black she picks that one. Had she been wearing a teddy when she ran out everything would have been fine.

One Mia To Get Rid of NOW!

Nicole, my FAVORITE character was boring this episode. She spent the whole time threatening Baker and framing Arianna. She wants Arianna framed for the next attack, and makes sure Arianna does not have an alibi. After Brady and Arianna fight for the 1,000th time, Arianna goes to her apartment and is alone. While Arianna is not my favorite person this story is lame. HOWEVER, since Arianna went to bed with all that mascara and makeup on.....bitch needs to be locked up by the po po.

Hope tells Baker if he gives her up she will kill him. He tries to figure out why she hates men so much. I just want to know why she can't wear a different outfit and gain 5 pounds? She has the next target picked out: its ROMAN! Approve of this decision and she should brand his face! Roman has had it coming since the beginning of time. His stupidity deserves this reward. BTW Can we attack Justin again because that was fun too?

Anna gets poisoned by Stefano. It takes passing out in her chocolate cake for Rafe to realize something is wrong. We get a hint of Spanish Tuesday with the hotel staff, paramedics, and doctors telling us "Dios Mio." Turns out Anna's condition is not good and Stefano succeeded in shutting her up for the time being. Question: Why could he have not poisoned Rafe instead? Rafe is the one after his family member and can we put him in a coma?

Sami is upset because Sydney does not like her. Well Sydney is not the only one! By the way Sydney is wearing a very fashionable tutu, which proves she is already one step ahead of Sami. Sami wants the kidnapper to pay for what they did, meaning go to jail for 3 months or buy their way out of prison time. EJ wants to cry because he is in love with Sami, but knows that being the kidnapper screws everything up. They ALMOST kiss but they blow it. Please just kiss already and get it over with! Its hysterical that two rapists cannot make a move on one another!

Oh Mia wants to leave town...........................................................Maggie convinced her to stay. RUDE! SOOOOOOOOOO Not happy! Can we all just chip in and buy her a bus ticket?

Previews: Arianna asks Brady why this is happening. Why do I hope this is an ad lib? Seriously the story is going nowhere and it is happening because the writers do not know what to do with the Brady/Arianna/Nicole love triangle. JUST BREAK UP!

Hope tells Baker she has her reasons. Well thank God for that. There is a reason you are insane? Wow cannot wait to hear it and the stupidity of blaming a pill for your freak disorder. What is the reason for the hair? Because that is what I am really judging.

Carly calls 911 for Roman. He forgot the number. Actually I am surprised she doesn't call a real doctor for help. If I were Carly I'd do everyone a favor and just leave him there. Something tells me Bo will not be happy with her though. Let's all blame Carly that Roman got attacked. She found him!

The Bold Bumpit and the Beautiful

Hope has to deal with the little devil she spawned and thinks the brat is making up stories about having conversations. While Hope is correct in thinking SeeWhoreA is cray cray, she is wrong about the stories obviously. Also, we learn about how dangerous taking medication can be....as Hope starts having feelings for Justin. That is one gross and deranged side effect. Hope slips on her black outfit, her bumpit, and that gross makeup and off she goes to find Baker with Nicole. While appreciating that Hope has problems, can we please get her a new nighttime outfit?? Even an alter has to realize that clothes start to smell when you wear them for weeks.

Nicole is in full framer mode. She gets caught stealing Ari's wine glass, but Kinsey helps her out. Arianna is having problems with Nicole, which translates into her having problems with Brady. Brady and Arianna need to just break up already because they are wasting our time. Maybe when Arianna hits her head and figures out she is Theresa I will root for her! Nicole is planting evidence but Baker tells her that he has to speak to his partner. While he might be gay, Baker meant his partner Hope. This Nicole/Baker/Hope/Arianna/Brady business is not my favorite thing in the world! Hope just better attack Roman quickly so I get back to enjoying her.

Brady and Sami are talking like they are old friends, and still not understanding this and their fake sibling relationship. Anyways, Sami tells him she would take Rafe back, but she's shaking up with the British dude instead. This makes perfect sense. Just get over Rafe already, so you get with EJ then realize his scumbag ways and go back to Rafe.

EJ and Stefano are arguing about Anna and the Sami situation. Will overhears EJ defending Sami and her decision to move back to her place if she chooses. EJ has become nicer, however he is still hiding that secret that will blow up in his face eventually. Will sees the softer side of EJ, and he might be crushing on him a bit. Will is nicer to Sami too, so he might have smoked some pot. They all have a family game of poker with Sydney and Johnny. Sydney's hair is growing in nicely and she is still my favorite child! Johnny has gross hair and annoys the crap out of me. Although arresting his father was a great way of foreshadowing what could happen on this show in the near future.....if this show had great writing that is.

Rafe and Anna. Anna and Rafe. Huge waste of time because she blames Sami for everything when its obviously all Carly Manning's fault. Seriously, this whole thing is taking way too long. Rafe catches Anna trying to get away and she is poisoned by her room service. Her fake choking does not seem to phase Rafe at all. Maybe he will get the hint when she is passed out on the floor. Side note: Love how Johnny has arrested EJ before Rafe!!! Rafe cannot even interrogate people correctly, let alone arrest them.

Previews: Hope asks Baker what happened to the trust between partners. So nighttime Hope is as stupid as the regular Hope. This is depressing. Can this lady at least be smarter?? Why would you go on and on about hating men and then team up with a shady weird man who wears Bermuda shirts? This makes no sense and she is lucky that she attacks Roman next because that scores points with me.

Rafe screams at Anna for answers as to who kidnapped Sydney. And she is clearly choking/gagging. Usually that is the first sign that something is wrong, but this is Rafe we are dealing with. Most people call for help, but Rafe is that special breed of species that is oblivious to what is going on in front of him. Clearly I am not a Rafe fan.

Sami says to EJ that she will kill whoever did this. "This" probably means kidnapping Sydney, and EJ has pooped his knickers once again. Love how we have to watch these two fall in love with each other all over again, and then BOOM she is going to learn he was the scumbag.

All my Whores

EJ and Sami are obsessed with one another. If this were Facebook they would poke each other constantly. On Twitter they just follow each other. It's all about EJ/Sami getting along. However, Will and Rafe are not connecting with Sami so much. She misses the both of them. Will lets his mother know how he really feels about her: he HATES her. Okay love that Will puts his mother in his place, but HATE is kind of harsh. He doesn't really HATE her, he just thinks she is the dumbest bitch in town. He wants to know what the hell is going on with her and EJ, as does Brady when he catches up with Sami. He is the only one unaware of Sami's love for EJ, which officially makes him the dumbest man on the show.

EJ and Stefano are still bickering over the blackmail situation. Stefano considers Sami part of the family even though he cannot stand her. He hopes she ends up destroying herself, which for Sami is not that hard. He sees Johnny in the FBI jacket and seems to want to have a heart attack. He is livid that he is wearing it, but does he expect the kid to wear a Fedora and smoke a cigar? Johnny is annoying by the way, and so annoying that when he leaves the scene you can still hear the little brat screaming in the hallway. The real Stefano would have had this kid shipped to boarding school already. Stefano learns that Anna never phoned in, and EJ looks worried. Remember when Stefano hid people and they stayed hidden?

Anna discovers Calliope's wire and is livid. She puts the wire/camera in the alcohol....okay that you NEVER do! Rafe stops Anna from going anywhere. Calliope is brought into the room with cuffs on, and her and Anna continue to argue about what she did. Anna learns Eugene never cheated on Calliope, so she is even more annoyed. Rafe offers them a deal that if Anna says who her accomplice was they both can go free. Anna says no, and Calliope is carted off. Thanks for coming back!! What a rude exit that was. Rafe pushes Anna to answer the question and she agrees to talk.....by talk she means not answer the question and waste another week of our lives.

Speaking of a waste of time: Nicole/Arianna/Brady. Okay LOVE Nicole, but this whole Baker/Nicole setting up of Arianna is a waste of time. Brady would have cheated with Nicole eventually anyway. Brady and Ari set a wedding date, and Nicole is scheduling to break them up way before then. The two women try to bond over booze, but it is really just a set up so Nicole can grab Ari's DNA samples to plant at a crime scene. Baker distracts Ari with a phone call, and Nicole manages to finish a bottle of wine, or actually half of it, or 7/8ths, or THAT was the best line of the whole episode.

Chad is sad that his mommy wants to send him away to school, because he wants to stay in Salem with his friends. Who knew he and Will had bonded so much over the whore Mia? Kate and Maddie meet up to discuss things. Maddie thinks it is in Kate's best interest to lie her ass off so no one finds out their connection. Madeline lists all of Kate's children's faults...wow I forgot how screwed up ALL of her kids were. Thank God they all left town. Madeline throws in that "once a whore always a whore." Kate IMPLIES that Maddie shouldn't be one to talk, meaning that's a whore calling the whore a whore. Can I say I TOLD YOU SO NOW?? PROSTITUTES!

Previews: EJ says to Stefano that it doesn't take a bloody genius to connect the dots. Maybe they are playing with one of Johnny's puzzle books and Stefano is having a hard time. To be fair to Stefano sometimes those numbers are missprints and the number is doubled, so you end up drawing the line in the wrong direction. Obviously this is a joke and they are talking about Rafe...who did manage to connect the dots which is a miracle in itself.

Brady asks Sami what the hell he is supposed to think. So now Brady has reached a level of stupidity that he cannot even come up with one thought. And of all people he enlists Sami's help to find a thought. Yes Brady it IS shocking she loves EJ again, but can you blame the woman? Rafe is off not getting his eyebrows waxed and EJ has a heated pool. The choice is obvious!

Rafe tells Anna that Sami didn't make her take that baby. Did it really take him all this time to figure THAT out? If Anna actually implies that this is Sami's fault, then that is dumb. At least blame the whole thing on Nicole because it is easier to pin things on her. Anna won't admit who she was working for until she stretches it out to the point where we want to kill ourselves. At this point....I don't care. Rafe needs to give up and move back to Harmony.

One Mia to Get Rid Of

EJ is whiny and hates that Rafe would be a better father. Rafe has NO children!! All he did was buy a present for Johnny! BTW Johnny needs to be put on a ADHD medication. Love that all he got was a jacket and he bounced off the walls. EJ says Rafe loves Sami and the moron is shocked by this. Seriously? Rafe said he loved you before he left town genius! Sami tries telling EJ he is a good man, and that she hopes Johnny grows up to be like him.....British? Tall? Rich? So far Johnny just has oily hair like his dad. THAT IS IT!

Vivian is uberjealous of Maggie and Victor...and she SHOULD BE! Maggie sasses Victor from her hospital bed, and these two are cute with their mutual snark. Philip and Mel show up wondering what is going on, and Philip excuses himself and Victor. Vivian arrives and is annoyed Victor is complimenting Maggie. Maggie leaves the hospital with Phil and Mel....I would have taken the free limo ride. Vivian and Gus refer to Maggie as a HUSSY....RUDE! Drunk gossip maybe but not hussy! Vivian decides to push up the wedding and Victor almost chokes on his booze.

Rafe has Calliope continue to spy on Anna. Anna does not reveal ANYTHING. Anna wants to travel the world with Calliope, which tells me she may have a hearing problem. Love Cal, but seriously that voice gets on your nerves after a day. Anna agrees to pay off Calliope's tax debts, and the two hug. Unfortunately, Anna bear hugs Calliope and pulls out her microphone wire. Rafe is screwed once again.

Poor Chad has to deal with Mia. He is a good guy and he deserves better! He is accepted to a new school, and Mia decides all of a slutten that she wants to go to New York.....to become a prostitute? She claims it is for dancing, I say its for pole dancing. Madeline wants Chad out of Salem, but his dad thinks they should trust their son. Now this guy is going for the parenting award in town? Chad decides that he is staying in Salem, despite his mother's WTF ARE YOU THINKING face!

Last but not least....CHLOE! UGHHH Chloe and Daniel. Chloe makes a very lame attempt at explaining to Daniel that she slept with Phillip. They go over the fact that she is a whack job who might be making shit up. This conversation should have happened two weeks ago! Daniel interrupts her confession and BLAMES HIMSELF for everything. Honestly blaming Carly would have made more sense. So she tells him NOTHING, and he thinks she just told Phillip about the hysterical pregnancy. No she gave him a free ride Danny! They are going to see a therapist together....PLEASE DO NOT EXPOSE US TO THOSE! Thanks.

Previews: Rafe confronts Anna. This should be supremely lame because we are talking about Rafe here. The loser thinks he is funny too. Just drag the woman back to Salem and ruin EJ's life already!

Will asks Sami what is going on between her and EJ. NOTHING! If they are going to get together just do it already! Stop with the stares and the innuendo. Just go be rapists in love like we all know you want to be. Have some steamy sex scenes please. If this leads to James Scott shirtless then I will support their love for the time being.

Stefano warns EJ that he and Samantha will be finished forever. Repeat: Forever = 3 months on this show. Don't worry EJami fans! Once Sami finds out the truth I am sure she will be dumb enough to stick with EJ at some point. She cannot control herself when he gets snooty.

General Warning: Don't Move to Salem

Vivian spends the whole episode trying to explain to Chloe, through words and NOT diagrams like Chloe needs, that Carly is bad news and they should team up. Chloe is not quick and oh my blames HERSELF for her mistakes. That's strange because yesterday it was ALL Carly's fault she had an affair. Anyways Chloe gets in touch with Phillip and screams her head off. She is so loco that Phillip has that "fatal attraction" fear in his eyes. He needs to get her committed and quickly. Chloe decides she is going to tell Daniel everything. That would be smart, however, not speaking would be even more intelligent.

Nicole wants Baker to frame Arianna. Baker thinks it is a stupid plan, and guess what? he is right! After telling us how BAD Salem is, he decides to stick around and deserves whatever the hell he gets. Arianna wants to take on Nicole, but Brady just wants to have some damn sex. It's what they do! Hope takes care of her satanic child, but then throws Nicole under the bus with Ari and Brady. Brady is confused and annoyed...welcome to our world BRADY! Hope apologizes but feels the need to tell us she is just getting started. Can we please request your next victim? Brady and Ari have some sex....like we didn't know this was going to happen?

Carly gives Daniel advice. Still trying to figure out why because this woman cannot even take care of herself. She just realized she had that suit in her closet? She actually has to tell him at one point that they ARE IN SALEM! Really? Okay, Daniel is not listening and he has the WORST women in his life. They all cray cray! Next he learns that Melanie knows that Chloe is cray cray because of no baybay. Yes that rhymes! Daniel is surprised that Phillip talks to Chloe....because its so hard for him to sit through her shit. Melanie is going to take care of Daniel, because Daniel has to take care of Chloe. Poor Daniel is so royally screwed. Carly, on the other hand, decides to taunt and annoy Vivian with bad jokes and stories about infections. Okay Vivian should bury her alive again after that horrible attempt at threatening her.

What have we learned this episode?? The women in this town have hormonal problems! Also, the town water supply is in question, and the cops suck. Long story short: DO NOT MOVE TO SALEM! MOVE PEOPLE!

Previews: Calliope asks Rafe if Sami is in danger. Dammit Calliope was tolerable, but now she had to bring up freaking Sami. Can Rafe solve crimes like pistol whipping cray crays who are hooked on Ambien crimes? This storyline is going nowhere fast. Sami likes EJ and Rafe needs a box of tissues.

EJ tells Sami he thinks its because "he" (Rafe) is in love with her. Great here goes an episode devoted to an EJ pity party. Can EJ just be a bastard and not this wimpy Sami lover? He needs sex like stat. Perhaps I just really need to see him shirtless again to like him. That may be it. yes.

Chloe tells Daniel she didn't mean for it to happen. Well she cannot be telling him the truth. Either she wrote on the wall with her crayola crayons again OR she got into his secret tanning lotion supply. Chloe did not mean for it to happen. Phillip's penis magically found its way into her vagina. I was there and I saw the WHOLE thing.

Guiding Carly...Through the Crazy People

Nicole meets up with Baker's and learns all about how he faked his death. Seriously who cares how he pulled it off. This is Salem where people survive being blown up. After the shock of his survival wears off, Nicole threatens to expose him. He asks for some compassion and empathy...after Nicole googles what those words mean she decides those are not common Nicole traits. Just get this woman booze! After seeing Brady and Ari making out, Nicole decides she wants Arianna to be the next victim. Well that idea is dumb because she'd just giving the girl a headache...although Arianna always gives me one so it is a fair trade.

BTW Arianna is STILL complaining about Nicole being in love with Brady. Brady is so sick of her shit that he kisses her to shut her up. Fix your real problems...your ugly ass shirt!

Fake Hope goes out on the town. She runs into Carly and basically weirds her the fuck out. She tells Carly she doesn't hate her, starts complimenting her, and then bashes Bo. Carly gives a look that would indicate she wants the whole town medicated. Hope pays Baker a visit and decides to end things with him when he announces that Nicole knows he is alive. Hope is confident no one will catch her. Well yeah that is because she is investigating herself and even the FAKE Hope knows the REAL Hope is stupid.

So poor Carly has to deal with a crazy Chloe in the hallway talking nonsense, then a whacked out Hope, and THEN if that's not enough she talks to Daniel. Its like a cherry on the top of a shitty day. BTW love how Carly has a new outfit....at NITE! At least its not her manly scrubs. Daniel tells her about his bogus run in with big hotel man. Hotel man insists that Chloe is a whack job. Daniel is starting to believe this theory and shares it with Carly....while Chloe is listening of course. Chloe leaves and Daniel feels the need to blame everything on Chloe's fake pregnancy. Carly needs to go all Hope on him and hit the idiot over the head.

Chloe is being her whiny self and blaming Carly for EVERYTHING. Kind of like I do actually, except when I do it it's fun. Carly gave me cramps by the way. Vivian enjoys that Chloe is turning into a bat shit crazy freak, so she offers her friendship. Together they will handle the evil bitch that is Carly Manning. Can they just hurry up and get their revenge on her because this is really lame and drawn out? Bo needs to come back and rescue Carly from the crazies that encompass her social circle.

And we end with the bright spot that is Maggie and Victor. Taking things slowly with this storyline makes sense because her husband just died. Viggie/Magtor whatever! These two are adorable, and I love that Victor is a jackass with a side of teddy bear. Vivian is immediately jealous that Victor is at Maggie's bedside. She should drop the Carly revenge and worry about her man! Hand holding and intense looks are going on! Okay I think they are cute, but I am definitely VETOing ANY form of a love scene...sorry folks I'm not that depraved.

Previews: Chloe tells Phillip she has to tell Daniel the truth. Are ya fucking kidding me? NOW you decide this? Why don't you just wait until you take your pregnancy test? Or when it is the kid's 1st birthday? Phillip needs to have Chloe removed from town, and by removed I mean straight jacket and the loony bin removed! Put her on that island harem with Kirsten or something.

Arianna says she is tired of letting Nicole walk all over her. Must be the bitch in me because I enjoy when Nicole walks all over her and disses her dumb ass. Arianna should learn how to be and bitch, and actually take Stephanie with her for lessons. Only way to beat a bitch is to be a bigger bitch back. Free lesson from the Hot Mess!

Nicole says she has something I want. Love how Nicole refers to Brady as "something." She even acknowledges that Brady is lacking in the brains and cannot be considered a "someone." Although the "something" is nice to look at, he makes Borat look like a genius. Side note: I can totally see Days putting Brady in a Borat bathing suit for shock value. Ewww.

The Old and the Adorable: Team Viggie or Magtor?

Will walks in on Sami and EJ, stopping them from finishing their almost kiss. This is why you use protection people! So your past mistakes do not interrupt you from making future ones. Will is convinced Sami is lying and that she has feelings for EJ. She says she just feels gratitude towards him....The rapists are in love people. Let them have their rapist love and then it'll all come crashing down because that's what always happens. What I want to know is where the hell did Will get common sense from? His parents are idiots. EJ wants to talk about their almost kiss, but Sami insists there is nothing between them, EJ disagrees....awwww they are arguing already. Its sad but I think EJ can do better!

Anna and Calliope argue for the entire show. Anna is suspicious that Calliope is asking so many questions. She thinks she is working with the cops, or she is going to sell her story for money. After Calliope FINALLY convinces her otherwise, Anna passes out from all the booze intake. Hopefully these two were really drunk with all the crap dialogue they had to repeat.

Arianna wants to help Brady find his mugger. That is all that really occurred. In other news, Arianna still has bad fashion sense, and Brady has an entire box of gauze placed on the back of his head.

Nicole learns about underground gambling. She calls herself Dee Dee.....clearly a shout out to her bra size. She hustles everyone and wins a load of cash, but also a money clip she recognizes as Brady's. She tracks down the man, reveals herself as a reporter, and gets the guy to call Baker for a late night poker game. Nicole and Baker meet at the end and she cannot believe he is alive and he looks like he got tasered. This whole let's frame Arianna storyline coming up....yeah not interesting.

Speaking of not interesting....HOPE! She is sooooo close to catching...Herself! This storyline could be so much better, but today for instance we saw Hope for a total of 3 minutes. She put her kid to sleep, which is not THAT hard to do, and then she popped her pills. And if this wasn't riveting enough tomorrow the new Hope does a 180 and likes her some Carly!! There is no way I am pimping a Hope/Carly friendship sorry. Carly has been through enough, despite the fact that Team COPE has a nice ring to it, as does Team CARPE, and HARLY...OMG they have the BEST names!

Melanie is going to tell Nathan everything...but she tells him NOTHING. She advises him to take things slower with Stephanie. Still wondering how this is any of her business right now. Stephanie thinks shes told Nathan, but she quickly realizes he knows nothing. Steph takes things further and throws her pills OFF the PIER this time. Well at least this made her a wee bit smarter. Some fisherman is going to have birth control now. Can we pray the birth control gets into the town water supply and goes straight into Sami's beverages? Melanie takes the high road and tells Maggie all about it. Maggie and Victor flirt a little. She asks Melanie to be nicer to Victor, and she complies. This man is snarky and amazing, but seeing his softer side with Maggie and Melanie is charming. Victor has finally got over that old bat Caroline, and has moved his attention to someone at least as equally charming in Maggie.

Previews: Vivian overhears Chloe screaming that Carly is a poisonous bitch. Watching Chloe freak the fuck out is not fun anymore. It's getting really sad and hopefully after she attacks Carly, which we all know is going to happen, they ship her to the psych ward. Figures the one person who needs meds isn't taking them, but the whole rest of the damn town is on medication.

Carly and Hope have a chat. I'm just in shock Carly has more clothing. Someone went shopping, or raided Adrienne's closet. Hope tells Carly she does not hate her guts anymore....no instead lets all hate BO! New Hope liking Carly makes absolutely no sense, but let them bond and do their thing. First thing they should both do is go to the salon/spa and get full on makeovers, while Carly calls for a pizza....that Hope really needs to eat.

Nicole tells Baker...or DICKIE as he is known in prison, that he is going down. Wow that whole sentence is filled with sexual innuendo. Bet that is not the first time the Doctor has heard that line.

As the Rapist Gets Massaged

Melanie confronts Stephanie about the birth control pills that were thrown away. This show is a clear advocate of the rhythm method. Seriously no one uses protection or birth control on this show and they are baby making machines. Melanie is deciding whether or not to tell Nathan what is going on. She tells Brady, and he even says she is being nosy and should stay out of it. Stephanie is annoyed with Melanie and vice versa. Seriously, Melanie needs to mind her business and concentrate on Phillip and that bitch Chloe.

Anna admits everything about the kidnapping to Calliope....just not the EJ part. Calliope is upset and gets out of there. Rafe tells her she is a hero for saving their country....unless Anna is a terrorist then NO catching Anna is not a huge priority for the FBI sorry. Calliope has to keep talking to Anna more to find out that she was working for someone. Anna is drunk and at this point I do not blame her. She thinks Calliope is being very pushy and now she is really suspicious. Side note: These two back together is at least funny and entertaining in the sense that they are the appropriate level of crazy ass bitches.

Victor visits Brady and complains about the muggings. Find it funny how Victor and Stefano have the most money in town and have not been mugged yet. Maggie visits Brady and her and Victor share stares with one another. He escorts her home because she needs a ride.....get out of the gutter people. She tells him that she wants to help him get the family back together. She will do all she can to bring him and Melanie and Phillip closer. As shes pouring coffee she starts to shake and faints into Victor's arms. Guessing that Maggie's condition is getting worse, and Victor will help her through it. This might seriously be the best storyline we see all summer as these two fall in love. IF WRITTEN CORRECTLY!

The final story of the day......the rapists! UGHHHHHHHHHH. Okay these two are flirting the whole episode. Finally EJ says he wants to go for a swim and tricks Johnny and Sami into joining him. In probably the best moment of the day...EJ HAS HIS SHIRT OFF! HOLY FUCKING HELL HE IS FINE! His shoulder hurts and Sami agrees to rub it....the shoulder nothing else....at least for now. They get all hot and bothered and are about to kiss.....yeah its not going to happen. While these two have chemistry they make me sick as a couple. Two rapists do not equal a love story! EJ needs to find someone else to sleep with and Sami should consider sterilization.

Previews: Anna tells Calliope that their conversation is over. Well damn it was the best thing they had going so far! It takes them 20 years to reconnect and their conversation is about taxes and kidnappings. Anna needs to get back to Salem and not go to prison. She makes all other characters more fun and keeps the show interesting.

Stephanie spies Nathan and Melanie talking and he says they are talking about her. Way to keep things a secret there Nathan. These three need to stop having scenes together. Nathan needs to learn its not okay to always talk to Melanie, and Melanie needs to stay away from Nathan. Stephanie needs to learn that Melanie is not your friend so stop being partially nice. And Nathan needs to keep the two little poodles away from each other.

Will asks Sami if she has feelings for EJ. Hopefully this is followed by another lecture to his mother about how stupid she is. Maybe Will is not really Sami's son and he was switched at birth with a much older baby who came from an intelligent family. Disown your mother and find a chick to sleep with who is not a whore like Mia.

All My Cramps

The Slow Ass Hourglass is brought to you by MIDOL today! If not for Midol then the show would have been a bloated hot mess. No wait....it was a Hot Mess. Hmm. Huge Midol FAIL!

Rafe is essentially holding Calliope's tax problems over her head. He has agreed to help her out if she gets the goods on Anna. Thankfully we are treated to a shaky camera placed near her boobs to spy on Anna. At least Calliope tells Rafe where to go and says he is good looking, but NOT NICE! Why didn't she just call him a poo poo head? Anna cannot get off the island so it appears she will be telling her story to Calliope. At least Calliope took off the dumb hat for a period of time.

Arianna has cramps. Now I know this is shocking to everyone but Arianna has her monthly visitor. Its not an easy thing to go through and if we all pull together than Arianna can get through this. It just came out of nowhere and she needs to talk to Rafe to discuss the matter. Gaby still has not had her first period so Arianna has to turn to her older brother. Luckily she keeps a Huge Box of Midol behind the counter at the Pub. Its a good friend in times of cramps, headaches, and bloating. Ironically, Days of Our Lives causes all those symptoms. She finally calls Rafe after her period issues and is happy he is on the trail of Anna. This girl needs to worry about her own life and not whether Rafe and Sami will reunite.

Sami does not want to stay at the Mansion. EJ tries to beg her to stay multiple times, but nothing works. He warns Stefano that she does not want to stay and that if Anna is found they are screwed. Love how Anna is sooooooooo well hidden that Rafe found her. Seriously, what the hell has happened to Stefano? Totally get that he is much more human now, which is fine, but now he is stupid and that does not fly well with me! Sami cannot move out because Stefano sabotaged her apartment. At least he knows how to back up her plumbing.

Sami agrees to stay at the Mansion, especially when EJ suggests that they torture Kate in the dungeons. Only problem is that Kate is torturing us with her clothing. Sami talks to Will about moving in. The son lectures his mother again on what a huge loser she is. Will is amazing these days and loving how he tells Sami off. He even brings up the fact she is a baby making machine. Unfortunately he still has to live with the dumb bitch. Sami wants to make sure EJ knows she is not moving in for him...so somehow telling him that you two kissed is the way to go about that? Where is the MIDOL??!!

Will finds the photo that Kate has been trying to hide of her and Madeline. The photo just shows the two women looking trashy, with bad makeup, and bad hair. No it was not an image from today's show but I can understand the confusion. They do not look like Prostitutes in the photo which ruins my hopes of a good storyline. Chad and Will are going to look into their Mom and Grandma's past. Smelling a Hot Teen Storyline for this Summer Folks!! God help us all. Madeline lies to Chad and says the photo was from her lawyering days. Kate and Maddie meet up and discuss keeping their past a secret. The way they speak to each other it's like they had sex...totally NOT where this story is going but they are being so suggestive. Maddie says that Kate will suffer greatly if the truth comes out......um, then why wouldn't you want to expose her?? How is Madeline not in trouble if the truth comes out?? THIS BETTER BE GOOD!

Previews: Melanie tells Stephanie that Nathan deserves to hear the truth. Just tell them that you accidentally threw out your pills Stephanie. Pretend you are a klutz who loses shit. Or you can say that the smelly homeless person stole them from your purse. Just please don't breed!

Lovely shot of Anna from the boob cam. Rafe is excited!! I'm just queasy from the shaky camera angle.

Sami asks EJ if he knows why he kissed her. Well see people normally kiss other people like that when they either like and or love them. Marlena and Roman never had the talk with Sami. She does not understand what human contact is, nor what contraceptives means.

General Hospital Gowns Worn Backwards

Let us celebrate the return of Calliope...or as I fondly remembered her "The Lady with the big ass hats and Jersey accent." Really I have a special place in my heart for Calliope because she is the voice of Harley Quinn in the Batman series. Anyways, the two friends reunite in the Tropical Paradise. The Flashback to the 80s showed Big hair, Shoulder Pads, Overdone Makeup,....wait I'm talking about the show currently nevermind. Anna and Calliope share uncomfortable moments the whole episode and finally it is revealed that Rafe is behind the whole thing. So a nice reunion is tainted by the obnoxious caveman.

Roman thinks Sami is bat shit crazy for moving back in with EJ. Kate and Sami fight for most of this episode. Neither one is mother of the year, but at least Kate had the courtesy to drive all of her boring delinquent children out of Salem to be never seen/heard from for lengthy periods of time. Sami meanwhile continues to neglect her children IN TOWN. Meanwhile, Stefano insists that Anna is hidden away and he and EJ are safe. EJ has reached a state of happy on the show that could only mean, something finally BAD is going to happen to him. Sami discusses with EJ how moving in is NOT a good idea. Yes Sami, we do not move in with our rapists.

Hope finds time to accuse her little demon serial killer child of playing with her makeup. It's funny that we are to believe that Hope owns makeup. A mortician works on this chick everyday. And if the little creeper was going to be going threw anything it would be the fridge because she clearly weighs more than mom. Hope overslept in her ugly blue pajamas so she missed Roman's message about Brady's mugging. Victor is not pleased that Hope is on the case.....and he was her biggest fan too! She recognizes Brady's new brand as a Celtic symbol of the Goddess Brigid. Anyone else think that the Days writer's had a love affair with Google one weekend?

Brady is in his hospital bed getting smothered by Victor and Vivian. My favorite catch of the day: Brady is wearing his hospital gown BACKWARDS! It is hysterical because none of the other men on the show were forced to bare their chests....just poor naked Brady. However, this was a highlight and NOT a complaint. Brady has Nicole time, then he has some Ari time, and then he gets stuck with Hope. Obviously God punished Brady in sequential order.

Nicole and Ari argue, but really their main problems are the hideous outfits that Days wardrobe has put them in. We have the lime green cheetah versus the bubble gum satin jam. Vivian warns Ari that Nicole is up to something......Shouldn't Vivian be trying to kill Carly or drive Chloe insane?? Nicole is looking into underground gambling rings for her next news story...which is a nice way to reconnect with Baker. And then she'll use Baker to frame Arianna for the muggings. Lovely when plans come full circle like this. Days is clearly a fan of Recycling.....stories.

Previews: What is Cinco de Mayo without the Hernandez family?!! The two girls are talking about their brother Rafe, because when young sisters get together they ALWAYS have discussions about their big brothers.

Rafe threatens Calliope. Poor Calliope had to come back just to betray her friend because of the big idiot! Also, when characters return is it in their contracts that they all have to deal with RAFE! Seriously, Carly, Anna, and now CALLIOPE all had to deal with this guy. Maybe he will move in with Justin and Adrienne when they eventually reunite.

EJ warns Stefano about what will happen if Anna is found. Normally talking loudly in rooms about the people affiliated with one's grand kidnapping scheme is how one is really going to get caught you jackass!