General Warning: Don't Move to Salem

Vivian spends the whole episode trying to explain to Chloe, through words and NOT diagrams like Chloe needs, that Carly is bad news and they should team up. Chloe is not quick and oh my blames HERSELF for her mistakes. That's strange because yesterday it was ALL Carly's fault she had an affair. Anyways Chloe gets in touch with Phillip and screams her head off. She is so loco that Phillip has that "fatal attraction" fear in his eyes. He needs to get her committed and quickly. Chloe decides she is going to tell Daniel everything. That would be smart, however, not speaking would be even more intelligent.

Nicole wants Baker to frame Arianna. Baker thinks it is a stupid plan, and guess what? he is right! After telling us how BAD Salem is, he decides to stick around and deserves whatever the hell he gets. Arianna wants to take on Nicole, but Brady just wants to have some damn sex. It's what they do! Hope takes care of her satanic child, but then throws Nicole under the bus with Ari and Brady. Brady is confused and annoyed...welcome to our world BRADY! Hope apologizes but feels the need to tell us she is just getting started. Can we please request your next victim? Brady and Ari have some sex....like we didn't know this was going to happen?

Carly gives Daniel advice. Still trying to figure out why because this woman cannot even take care of herself. She just realized she had that suit in her closet? She actually has to tell him at one point that they ARE IN SALEM! Really? Okay, Daniel is not listening and he has the WORST women in his life. They all cray cray! Next he learns that Melanie knows that Chloe is cray cray because of no baybay. Yes that rhymes! Daniel is surprised that Phillip talks to Chloe....because its so hard for him to sit through her shit. Melanie is going to take care of Daniel, because Daniel has to take care of Chloe. Poor Daniel is so royally screwed. Carly, on the other hand, decides to taunt and annoy Vivian with bad jokes and stories about infections. Okay Vivian should bury her alive again after that horrible attempt at threatening her.

What have we learned this episode?? The women in this town have hormonal problems! Also, the town water supply is in question, and the cops suck. Long story short: DO NOT MOVE TO SALEM! MOVE PEOPLE!

Previews: Calliope asks Rafe if Sami is in danger. Dammit Calliope was tolerable, but now she had to bring up freaking Sami. Can Rafe solve crimes like pistol whipping cray crays who are hooked on Ambien crimes? This storyline is going nowhere fast. Sami likes EJ and Rafe needs a box of tissues.

EJ tells Sami he thinks its because "he" (Rafe) is in love with her. Great here goes an episode devoted to an EJ pity party. Can EJ just be a bastard and not this wimpy Sami lover? He needs sex like stat. Perhaps I just really need to see him shirtless again to like him. That may be it. yes.

Chloe tells Daniel she didn't mean for it to happen. Well she cannot be telling him the truth. Either she wrote on the wall with her crayola crayons again OR she got into his secret tanning lotion supply. Chloe did not mean for it to happen. Phillip's penis magically found its way into her vagina. I was there and I saw the WHOLE thing.