All My Cramps

The Slow Ass Hourglass is brought to you by MIDOL today! If not for Midol then the show would have been a bloated hot mess. No wait....it was a Hot Mess. Hmm. Huge Midol FAIL!

Rafe is essentially holding Calliope's tax problems over her head. He has agreed to help her out if she gets the goods on Anna. Thankfully we are treated to a shaky camera placed near her boobs to spy on Anna. At least Calliope tells Rafe where to go and says he is good looking, but NOT NICE! Why didn't she just call him a poo poo head? Anna cannot get off the island so it appears she will be telling her story to Calliope. At least Calliope took off the dumb hat for a period of time.

Arianna has cramps. Now I know this is shocking to everyone but Arianna has her monthly visitor. Its not an easy thing to go through and if we all pull together than Arianna can get through this. It just came out of nowhere and she needs to talk to Rafe to discuss the matter. Gaby still has not had her first period so Arianna has to turn to her older brother. Luckily she keeps a Huge Box of Midol behind the counter at the Pub. Its a good friend in times of cramps, headaches, and bloating. Ironically, Days of Our Lives causes all those symptoms. She finally calls Rafe after her period issues and is happy he is on the trail of Anna. This girl needs to worry about her own life and not whether Rafe and Sami will reunite.

Sami does not want to stay at the Mansion. EJ tries to beg her to stay multiple times, but nothing works. He warns Stefano that she does not want to stay and that if Anna is found they are screwed. Love how Anna is sooooooooo well hidden that Rafe found her. Seriously, what the hell has happened to Stefano? Totally get that he is much more human now, which is fine, but now he is stupid and that does not fly well with me! Sami cannot move out because Stefano sabotaged her apartment. At least he knows how to back up her plumbing.

Sami agrees to stay at the Mansion, especially when EJ suggests that they torture Kate in the dungeons. Only problem is that Kate is torturing us with her clothing. Sami talks to Will about moving in. The son lectures his mother again on what a huge loser she is. Will is amazing these days and loving how he tells Sami off. He even brings up the fact she is a baby making machine. Unfortunately he still has to live with the dumb bitch. Sami wants to make sure EJ knows she is not moving in for him...so somehow telling him that you two kissed is the way to go about that? Where is the MIDOL??!!

Will finds the photo that Kate has been trying to hide of her and Madeline. The photo just shows the two women looking trashy, with bad makeup, and bad hair. No it was not an image from today's show but I can understand the confusion. They do not look like Prostitutes in the photo which ruins my hopes of a good storyline. Chad and Will are going to look into their Mom and Grandma's past. Smelling a Hot Teen Storyline for this Summer Folks!! God help us all. Madeline lies to Chad and says the photo was from her lawyering days. Kate and Maddie meet up and discuss keeping their past a secret. The way they speak to each other it's like they had sex...totally NOT where this story is going but they are being so suggestive. Maddie says that Kate will suffer greatly if the truth comes out......um, then why wouldn't you want to expose her?? How is Madeline not in trouble if the truth comes out?? THIS BETTER BE GOOD!

Previews: Melanie tells Stephanie that Nathan deserves to hear the truth. Just tell them that you accidentally threw out your pills Stephanie. Pretend you are a klutz who loses shit. Or you can say that the smelly homeless person stole them from your purse. Just please don't breed!

Lovely shot of Anna from the boob cam. Rafe is excited!! I'm just queasy from the shaky camera angle.

Sami asks EJ if he knows why he kissed her. Well see people normally kiss other people like that when they either like and or love them. Marlena and Roman never had the talk with Sami. She does not understand what human contact is, nor what contraceptives means.