As The Ass Whooping Turns

EJ is still dealing with the fact that he is in love with Sami. He is actually acting like he just found out he is about to have a baby. Now he is having Sami flashbacks....Dear God, let this be the last one. Poor Sydney has to hear that her rapist daddy loves her mommy. If he strokes her head any harder its going to rip off.

Sami and Nicole....let the games begin! Seriously someone break out a ring or one of those inflatable castles if the budget is an issue. Also, can it be like the WWE with there street fight matches?? No rules..hair pulling and smacks to the face..ALLOWED!

Nathan and Stephanie....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz he buys her coffee and they ramble. Emmy worthy material for the writing team. Someone step in and stop the pain.

Chloe is getting uppity in Carly's face and she needs to back the fuck off and simmer down. It's not like Carly hit him with her car or anything. He FELL...that moron Kinsey even explained it to you. Carly says there is a problem....yeah its Chloe and her tan! Side note: Chloe's still having a good hair day...go Bjorlin!

Melanie is visiting Daniel, who has not suffered enough. Melanie is blubbering and rambling, and actually just being Melanie. Daniel looks like he wants to puke or smack Melanie from delirium. No he just sees two of her....amazing special effects! It looks like he went totally cross eyed and now I have a headache. Now he really is scared because two Melanies is just plain wrong.

EJ is still freaking out about being in love with Sami...look we all freaked out too, just get over it and stop taking it out on the baby in your arms. Thankfully he puts the baby down...now remove yourself from her life! Lexie comes over and how the hell is she going to make things better?

Rafe and Arianna are at the pub and she tells him Nicole is in town. Hmmm where can she be?? with SAMI! Sami is pissed that Nicole came back to Salem. Nicole tells Sami she is not leaving and she better get used to it. The cat part of this fight needs to happen already. Hopefully both women got their nails done because its clear they got their hair DID.

A doctor who actually works tells them that Daniel's MRI shows that there is blood in his eyes or some kind of fancy place that basically means eye area. Chloe and Carly also need the Cliff Notes version because they do not understand....you don't fool me "Doctor" Manning. Daniel is still seeing two Melanies...PANIC!! Doctor man says he will experience double vision, but it might go away. That was such a definitive diagnosis. Chloe might start to cry or she hates that hospital smell. The doctor thinks he will be okay...until Melanie comes screaming out of the room like a banshee. Something is wrong...PANIC!!!

Nicole is really happy to be home. Sami is NOT happy that she is home. Essentially there is an ass whooping with Nicole's name on it. Sami threw down the purse...ITS ON! Unfortunately...there is also an ass whoopin' registry that has EJ's name on it as well. Perhaps one day Rafe will deliver. Lexie can tell there is something wrong with her brother...is it all the blinking or the shaking that is giving it away? EJ says he should have listened to Lexie..she agrees with this then is wondering what the hell he be talking about. Lexie wants to throw a party because EJ is finally ready to admit he loves his Samantha....however EJ ruined everything. Lexie is confused just like the audience...LOVE when that happens.

Rafe is annoyed Arianna was going to elope and not tell him....that is usually how an elopement works Rafe. She tells him the Santo Domingo story...why did he get the fast version and not us? Rafe mentions that Nicole is back....um yes this has been established! Arianna makes it about her and says Nicole is there to wreck her life. That is really selfish...she is honestly there to ruin everyone's lives.

Nicole asks about Sydney.....well that is a sore subject. Sami says she is great and Anna THE KIDNAPPER took good care of her. How the hell did the kidnapper get a compliment? She knows that Nicole realized Anna took the baby and got her pardon. Nicole says that Sami should stop playing the victim because she is just as bad a liar as Nicole...TRUEFAX! Then she mentions Rafe....wow someone did some research to know what buttons to push!

The Doctor has a name and its Aiden. The women excuse themselves and this Cat Fight is going to start. Chloe goes after Carly because she is an idiot and Melanie steps in to defend Carly. No you read that CORRECTLY....MELANIE DEFENDS CARLY! We have made a breakthrough!! Carly might die of shock. Someone get the gurney out!

Stephanie and Nathan....they still exist.

EJ explains how he should not love Sami but he does LOVE Sami....no like her really LOVES her. Seriously people he LOVES her. Lexie says that EJ cannot control who he loves. EJ says he will not tell her how he feels....well yeah because that would be the normal thing to do. Lexie thinks it's because of Rafe, but EJ says he is out of the picture. Too bad he did not do a jig of glee after he said that.

Nicole basically turns the tables on Sami and blames HER for everything that happened. Sami did not want to hear that. And Nicole's face did not want to feel that FIST TO THE FACE! Don't even care who wins....let's see BLOOD!

Melanie explains that she started the fight with Carly and Daniel followed her and slipped on an ice cube. The Doctor wants to run more tests, and Daniel stares at his double hand....so if he sees two hands does that mean when he grabs Chloe's boobs he is grabbing them twice?? Daniel tells her that he is going to be fine and they hug. He totally copped a feel. Carly is having coffee....has she not learned she should stay away from coffee while near Melanie? She thanks Melanie, but Melanie wants to know if Carly will tell her the truth about Daniel. The Wailing Girl asks if Daniel is going to be okaaaayyyyyyyy!

Rafe calls Sami and leaves a message about Nicole...talk about TOO LATE! Arianna asks how him and Sami are doing.......UGH bad question! He asks about her elopement. Okay, do we really need all these let's catch up with the Hernandez family moments? She is NOT pregnant and she is going to have the wedding in Salem. They are having a huge sappy moment. Luis and Theresa were not this sappy. He finally leaves to go find Nicole...could it be that his sister bores him?? YES!

Lexie wonders if EJ is looking to get back together with Sami if it is true that her and Rafe are over. She thinks he should go for a walk. Seriously? Apparently a walk will solve all of EJ's problems! If this were true I'd walk EVERYWHERE.

Sami says she should not have punched Nicole. Nicole thinks her jaw is broken...FAKE OUT! BOOM! Sami got it in the face too. They both made the other bleed! Where is the popcorn?? This is the greatest thing ever! Okay they are basically wrestling without the mud...and OMG that poor bench! Nicole tries to SPEAR Sami, while Sami pounds on her back in a spanking motion. No one person is really winning, although Nicole seems to be on top a great deal more when it gets to the ground. Is anyone doing a ten count?

Stephanie and Nathan are still talking and no one knows why. Nathan brings up that special letter and says that everything that happened is okay because the letter said nothing good. Luckily we get a flashback to the letter in case we forgot how stupid it was to begin with. She is sorry he got hurt and he pulls the let's start over routine. That was Cheesy and it was not Gouda!

Chloe is harassing Daniel and not in a good way. The dude sees two of everything stop annoying him! Carly says she does not know what will happen with Daniel....that is doctor talk for "I cannot give you a diagnosis because you might sue me if I am wrong." Melanie realizes he needs his eyes because he is a doctor.....um, most people need their eyes in general Melanie. Melanie deserves props though for realizing that before Chloe did. Melanie blames herself for everything...even though yesterday she blamed Carly. Carly says its better that she blame her! These two deserve each other with the back and forth let's blame the other than myself game.

EJ decides going to the gym would be a good idea. Side note: James Scott is fine and HELLO! Question though: Who works out in THAT much clothing? Does he have an anti-shirt off clause where he only does it every few months? Arianna is mad at the stationary bike....guessing she does not realize that it is not supposed to move and what is with the constipated look? EJ asks her what is wrong and she explains that her wedding was ruined. You can tell EJ already does not want to listen.

Sami and Nicole are still wrestling and again there is no real winner/loser. That death choke with a bench deserves a special shout out though. Nevermind Rafe comes in and breaks it up..CLEAR LOSER! The best part is they trick him and then fight again. He just cannot keep the women off each other. Why don't they both turn on him and kick his ass in order to continue their fight? Clearly I have thought this out.

Melanie says it was not her fault....this flip flopping is making me dizzy. Carly says the whole thing was an accident. Why could she have not said that in the first place? Anyone with half a brain knows it was an accident....which means Chloe might not know. Speaking of Chloe she is still annoying Daniel and she finally realizes it. She makes it about HER and says she sucks at cheering him up. He calls her a HOT MESS!! SHOUT OUT! Shawn secretly loves me! Wait, I'm offended I got compared to Chloe! He says that is not it...yeah it could be the fact that he may never be a proper doctor anymore Chloe! Melanie comes in....poor Daniel. Chloe leaves to go get Daniel chocolate cake....who thinks Daniel will ever see that? NO WAY! Melanie apologizes to Daniel for having her as his daughter....really that is actually Daniel's fault for not wearing a condom. Use Protection people!

Arianna AGAIN tells the Santo Domingo my wedding did not happen story. EJ wonders what happened and of course it was NICOLE! Rafe and some other dude drag Sami and Nicole in the police station. They literally had to be carried and dragged..NICE! Roman comes in and ruins everything by speaking. Where is Bo, he would let them go at it?

Daniel tells Melanie that this was not her fault....yeah it was the Brady's fault!! Now it is her fault again, but he sort of convinces her it is not. Melanie explains how Carly took care of him when he was passed out. Carly comes in and says how great Melanie was...wow that was a flat out LIE..the girl fell apart! This is some fucked up family bonding right here. Melanie cannot take to much of it before she starts hyperventilating again. And she falls apart again with the crying.

Nathan and Stephanie plan their date. Adrienne comes in and Steph introduces her. After Nathan leaves Adrienne hits up Steph for all the gossip. Apparently we learn that Patch sends emails...with that one eye and everything! Stephanie admits that she is crazy for Nathan....or she is CRAZY for LIKING Nathan....one or the other.

EJ realizes that Arianna and Brady were eloping and Nicole ruined everything. He asks if Nicole revealed anything, and is at least pleased she is far away from Salem. Arianna has to inform him that NOPE she is not that far away. EJ looks like he might blink alot when he learns she is in Salem. Just an Educated Guess!!

Rafe looks at Sami's eye and hurts her more than helps her. Rafe thinks Sami is being a baby...okay punch bruises hurt...not that I'd know or anything. Sami brings up old times about how Rafe had a MAN COLD and acted like he was dying. Another cop interrupts and says Rafe can question Nicole. Break out the truth serum.

Did Adrienne really have to come back just to deal with Hope and Stephanie?? That poor woman! Stephanie tells her that Nathan likes someone else but that is over now...RIGHTTTTT. That Someone else named Melanie is on the phone with Daniel's doctor and then bumps into Nathan. Tears again! Dear Melanie..you are with Phillip. Get over Nathan before you become as boring as him and Stephanie. That is all. Thanks! Mess. xoxo

Carly apologizes and even Daniel is sick of hearing people apologize. Daniel is really tuning into the audience today. He then blames himself. This blaming game business better end after this episode. They talk about Melanie and her problems. Yeah she wouldn't have them if you two hadn't done the nasty! Carly and him are bonding, making me queasy in the process, and she grabs his hand. Chloe sees all of this and she looks like she is shitting a brick.

EJ is concerned that Nicole is back. He tells Arianna that Nicole is not to be trusted?! Did Arianna really need to learn that lesson?? The woman just told you she busted up her wedding...they are not going to be doing lunch anytime soon. EJ has to find Nicole..probably to question her about what she knows thus making Nicole more suspicious about EJ and her realizing he was in on it...Calling it now!

Roman apologizes for the whole Anna situation. Thankfully she changes the subject to her and Rafe and how getting her ass kicked might have brought them back together again. How she put that together is beyond me! Rafe is questioning Nicole and are actually reminiscing about their good old days or interrogation and lies. Rafe wants to know how long Nicole knew about Anna's involvement in the kidnapping. After their little back and forth Nicole says she will tell Rafe everything. Yeah right, and tomorrow Stefano will announce he is GAY! Hope will eat a hamburger! EJ will wash his hair! and then Rafe will wax those eyebrows!

Previews: Melanie asks Phillip if he is jealous. Asking that question alone gets you in trouble Mel! Now he is going to suspect that everytime you are with Nathan something is going on. Still wondering why she likes Nathan actually.

EJ tells some random guy that he cannot be found out. Stop hiring random creepy looking guys who will testify against you then! Why can't Stefano and EJ have good looking workers? Maybe if EJ would stop talking about what he did then no one would be able to figure it out!

Nicole tells Rafe she came back to get what is hers. What did she leave behind besides the wig and a martini glass? Another thing is where is she going to stay in town?? Unless Chloe let's her bunk with her and then it's prison for Nicole all over again.

One Kinsey to Kill

Rafe is on the phone....Seriously can they tell us his telephone plan because with the amount of times we see him on a cell/telephone he must be sleeping with the Verizon guy to get good rates. Rafe does not seem to care that there is a Hurricane...PANIC!! Sami walks in and now we do not blame Rafe so much for wanting to go to a Hurricane destination.

Brady is on the plane and he wonders what he is going to do with Nicole. Well there is the bathroom, that little galley where the stewardesses stand....what else is he going to do with her? When Nicole finally gets Brady back....because you KNOW she will...she should sign him up for some night school or something.

Chloe is at the cafe.....one day we will catch her leaving the tanning salon I just KNOW it. She leaves a message for Danny...who is somewhere bleeding to death. Victor spies on her...he should have sniffed her from behind and scared her..that would have been funny. He lets Chloe know that Daniel might be avoiding her....loving how Victor insults people to the point where they might be driven to suicide.

Oh Great we get a Replay of the Daniel Fall heard round the world. Honestly at least Daniel had a nice ass because there was probably more of a bruise on there than on his actual head. Understand that he is hurt but the impact was not enough for THAT amount of fake blood all over the place. Melanie asks for Carly's help via shrieking and hyperventilating. Carly should have slapped her then helped Daniel. By the way...if Carly is his doctor...he dead.

Rafe just got yelled at for not calling Sami............at what point is she going to realize he is working to FIND her baby stealer?? Now EJ is Mr. Popular with the phone! Did these people ever learn how rude it is to carry a phone conversation while talking to other people? Sami is mad Rafe is shutting her out...It would be nice if he knew how to get her to SHUT UP!! Side note: her hair looks really good.

Carly asks Melanie to get a first aid kit...who wants to bet that the Brady Pub keeps whisky in theirs...it works in a jam. Carly tells Daniel to hang in there....really hate when people say that...waiting for the day when someone hovers and screams "oh just die on me."By the way I am serious about the lawsuit...the Brady's need to learn to throw salt down!! RUDE!

Arianna hands Brady a note....who the hell passes people notes on a plane? Are people to lazy that they cannot actually give someone a message to pass along? Brady know the pilot it seems..but does not feel chatty. Brady has his period along with Justin I guess. Arianna says he is lying and does not want to leave her alone with THAT Nicole....who may be drooling.

Sami does not like this whole shutting her out thing that Rafe is doing...so Rafe decides to.....shut her out. Good for him.

Victor and Chloe still talking..this time about the present that Chloe has. Victor makes her feel like crap...did I mention how much I like Victor? He makes her more paranoid about how Carly will steal her man. This slow Chloe conversion to evil bitch villain is taking to long. And RUDE by the way she was too mean to Victor who is her elder....just like her fiance.

Carly plays doctor with Daniel's head and Kinsey walks out...apparently they did not tell anyone else that there has been an accident. Carly tells her to go inside and her and Kinsey have a little bitch fight. Carly wins, but don't underestimate that evil Kinsey girl. Carly does not say the right things AT ALL...Huge Shocker there...and Melanie starts freaking out.....like her usually freak outs but this time she has a tablecloth.

Arianna says she is not stupid. Seeing as that is just too easy a joke..its beneath me to go there. She thinks Brady wants to see a catfight...well he is a dude and its actually the theme for Salem in the coming days...CATFIGHTS!! The women are unleashing the fury on each other lately. And the men are having their periods. She gets Brady to leave and sits by Nicole, waking her up. Okay a quiet Nicole is a nice Nicole...why cause trouble like that? Hope Nicole rips her head off.

Carly and Melanie are at Daniel's bedside. His doctor says he is stabilized which is shocking because someone was actually working at the hospital. Melanie leaves because it seems these situations make her queasy. She stares at the locket and has locket flashbacks. The locket is still ugly and gaudy...and it gets more screentime then most of the cast.

Oh noooooo its Roman. Rafe tells him about the hurricane...PANIC! Now they are talking about global warming and I want to set Roman on fire. Carrie is mentioned, and thankfully she will be back for at least one episode. Rafe says they cannot find Anna...which is a god thing because she just going to get thrown under the bus by EJ anyways.

Sami and EJ are talking and guess what??? THE KIDS ARE WITH GRANDMA!! Why on Earth would they be with their parents? Sydney is with them, because now she is the favorite...she does kind of rule though. EJ feels like a bloody idiot because of the Anna incident. I just really liked that he said bloody again...its not important..unless you have the hots for James Scott like I do. Sami is sad about Rafe again and EJ wants to know what happened....because clearly it is his business. He pretends to care and says its for the best that they DO NOT get back together. The only way that advice makes sense is if he had said it with his shirt off.

Nicole does not enjoy Arianna judging her. She mentions drinking for no reason and Nicole is an alcoholic after my own heart because the last time she had a drink was a few hours ago and she said it was a long time. Then she reminds her that she was a drug dealer and that always starts a lively conversation. Arianna recites Nicole's police record. Nicole mentions that Arianna was just subbing for her with Brady, because Brady loves Nicole. Arianna's insults towards Nicole just make me like her more...especially the lying drunk part. Brady was there for Nicole despite the fact she was a crappy human being. If that is not love then I don't know what is....that's what Nicole said as she held Ariannas hand and stared into HER eyes....WEIRD. Someone was in prison wayyyyy tooooo long.

Rafe feels bad that he had Anna and let her go......in the criminal way, not in a loving way. Roman then defends Sami. Sami can run naked through the town killing all the babies and Roman would still defend her. Rafe "owes" Sami an apology....when is Roman going to tell Sami that she "owes" Rafe a break.

Awwww we get a cute shot of Sydney...someone rescue her from these two. Sami accuses EJ of gloating because Rafe and her are on the outs. EJ just wants her happy....and with him, but happy. He does not want to see her hurt....he just wants to hurt her. EJ makes good points as to why she should not be with Rafe...too bad he is the alternative because otherwise I'd cheer him on. Sami looks all confused at all the big words awwwww.

Chloe is not going to listen to Victor. He agrees that Daniel loves Chloe, but he warns her that Carly has to be kept away from Daniel. Does Carly have an STD we should be worried about? Jesus! Chloe finally realizes that Victor wants her with Daniel because the alternative is that scary Carly lady....now she is a psychopathic murderess. How does Carly fit all these on the bumper of her car?

Melanie is trying to put on her necklace and then Carly comes over to help her....because Melanie is in NO condition to be putting on a necklace. Melanie starts with the freaking out crying and part of me wants Carly to tighten that necklace around her neck.

Arianna tells Nicole to go away....which is kind of hard to do on a plane. Brady has feelings for Nicole and Ari cannot change that. They keep fighting over Brady of all people and it's annoying. Arianna cannot ignore Nicole with her in her face. Did Arianna just technically do a play by play? I just feel bad poor Celia Cruz was brought into this. Brady breaks it up and Nicole wishes them a good flight. The fact that Brady and Arianna look annoyed makes me happy.

Rafe thinks it is dumb HE owes Sami an apology. Rafe wonders why Sami would lie to him....has he met her?? She does that with everyone she loves! Roman explains in his mumbling ways how Sami operates. Roman brings up that she trusted EJ more...RUDE! Sami defends Rafe to EJ and she is just happy that Sydney is back. EJ thinks Sami has lost Rafe...where did she leave him?? She agrees that it is probably over and how to move on. EJ suggests she should concentrate on the kids....yeah because she keeps misplacing them! and him....her RAPIST!

Does Kinsey really have to MOP UP all that blood?? Seriously he did not bleed that much....go get a hose or something though. Chloe walks up wondering who dropped something...Who drops their blood?? It is obviously blood you dumb bimbo. She tells Chloe that it was Daniel who spilled his blood everywhere.

Carly thinks the Locket is beautiful....someone else with no taste great! Look at the way she dresses of course she'd like the locket. Melanie explains that Daniel gave it to her, and Carly says Melanie will get Daniel through it. For some reason Carly comes up with the BRIGHT idea to say that this is not Melanie's fault. WAY TO GO!! THERE IS THAT MOUTH AGAIN! Why would Melanie blame herself before you put that idea in her head? Bad move mama!

Chloe calls the hospital and tells them to let Daniel know she is on her way. Someone is probably pissed she was not put on her special someone's emergency contact list. Kinsey feels the need to tell Chloe that Daniel chased after Melanie, but it was all CARLY's fault. Now can someone bitch slap this girl please? Apparently talking to Carly, almost killed Daniel. Maybe I am right about this STD theory after all!

Melanie is wondering why Carly would say it is her fault....That is what I'd like to know!!! Melanie says that it is Carly's fault...Because we did NOT see this coming. Melanie just said lots of words and they made very little sense. Just want to point out that this fight is taking place in a hospital so Carly could get those meds for Melanie that are always on the suggestion list!

Brady and Arianna are at the mansion...wow planes fly so fast in Salem...must be the time warp thing. Brady wants a life with Arianna and not Nicole. WEDDING PLANNING TIME! Meanwhile Nicole heads straight for the Booze at the Pub...but Dammit she ordered tons of coffee. Kinsey recognizes her and calls her the baby switcher....wonder how that looks on a resume?

Sami is jealous that Anna got to spend all that time with Sydney....well then stop leaving the kid alone or with your grandmother! She thinks Sydney hardly knows her, but EJ disagrees. Apparently "THIS GIRL" who we cannot call Sydney for some reason, knows that her parents love her....yeah and she also knows you are both a pair of jackasses. EJ then decides to do the creepy stare...YIKES.

Kinsey is fangurling all over Nicole, even taking a photo with her cell phone. Anyone else offended that Kinsey tweets and uses twitter.....this makes Twitter UNCOOL! Kinsey even wants an autograph....although even I would like Nicole's autograph so I cannot criticize her there. Nicole asks to be left alone and gets called a Diva by Kinsey.Nicole must be under the weather because the real Nicole would have bitch slapped the little troll.

Roman is doing his job and no one can decipher what he said with the mumbling. He then brings up Sami again, and this is borderline inappropriate to be discussing your daughter's love life at the station! EJ just apparently realized that he loves his children...well good thing huh?! He really meant to say Sami, but came up with that BRILLIANT save. Sami likes the EJ with emotion EWWW. Sami has to abandon the children again so she gives Sydney to her daddy. EJ looks like he has to puke over the fact that he loves Sami.

Melanie sits with Daniel and calls him Dad. Perhaps she is trying to make him sicker. The doctors tell Carly that the MRI is NOT GOOD! PANICCCCC! Chloe rushes in and apparently really does need a therapist because SHE CRAZY! Also she was severely out of breath and very accusatory that Carly did something to Daniel...whew that was something.

Brady gives Nicole a call and leaves a message. That was riveting. Arianna finds Rafe and tells him that Nicole is back in town.

EJ is still convulsing over the fact he is in love with Sami. He announces to all of us that he loves Sami....Perhaps it was the Ricky Martin I AM GAY confession that made EJ realize the truth. The cheesy piano arrangement made me have to pee. Sami....the object of lust...is by the PIER, where we also find Nicole. And LET"S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEE!!!

Previews: Melanie asks Carly if Daniel is going to be okay...not if you keep whining dude! Hopefully she keeps her mouth shut around the Daddy because he will already have a major headache. Maybe he can prescribe himself drugs to put himself to sleep.

Rafe and Arianna. Luis and Theresa. They kind of make a cute couple if they were not always related. Arianna complains about Nicole because she no longer has any more drugs to deal.

Nicole yells at Sami....Sami delivers a blow to the face. Let them go at it and for a long time!! This is the best part of the show. They need Emmys for fighting.

All Justin's Tampons

Brady and Arianna learn that a Hurricane is coming.....PANIC!!!! That was really all there was to the scene. That and fake wind.

Stephanie and Adrienne remember the fact that they are related. Justin is drinking and really bummed. Hope comes in and makes it worse and tells Justin what she told Adrienne. Justin is pissed but he is slowly becoming a girlie man. Julie who sleeps with her sister's father walks in....that is normal nevermind.

Daniel and Melanie meet up at the pub...my dad and I do not go to pubs together. Not that I am judging it's just a sad moment. Chloe sees them together and gets sad to the point where it looks like her puppy died. Carly though, whose puppy was killed by a townsperson, is at work and in walks Phillip to yell at her. Thinking this will end with how much Carly sucks and is hated by everyone.

Chloe says hello to Dan and Mel and yeah that was awkward. She cannot wait to hang out with Mel and talk about........sex with Phillip maybe? Melanie has a girl crush on Chloe and apparently she thinks Chloe is smart.............WOW........talk about setting the bar low! Daniel gives Melanie his mother's locket. Awwwwww that was sweet. However, that locket was a bit much. Did they not have the Hope Diamond to give Melanie to wear?

Phillip gets all sassy with Carly. He is being a schmuck and Carly is taking it up the ass unfortunately. Although can you blame her for being weak with that outfit on?? Jesus! Can someone hook this show up with Target because these outfits are seriously an issue? Phillip tells her to stay out of Melanie's life....because Melanie hates her. Carly cannot do that...she has the running into people I should avoid disease.

Hurricane is still coming....PANICCCCCCCC.

Julie thinks Hope is a big old idiot. TEAM JULIE! Hope agrees with her that she is a stupid fool. I have been saying this for YEARS NOW!! Julie points out to Hope that everything she does is Bo/Hope related. This whole episode should be dubbed the Captain Obvious episode. Adrienne tells her niece the Hope is stupid story. Justin shows up to stink up the place and then they both throw Hope under the bus for all their pain. Justin must be getting his period because he extra annoying today.

Nicole wants Brady happy, as does Arianna who intends to keep him. Arianna rushes off to pack because there is a Hurricane coming..PANNNNNNNNNNICCCCCC. Brady wants to talk to Nicole...he better ask where that wig is!!

Daniel and Melanie are at the pub. Melanie wants to hear all about her family. Daniel tells Melanie that she has other relatives. Oh those feisty von Leuschners! Maybe if they tell Melanie she is a princess, then she will like Carly. Nothing says I love you like a tiara for your birthday. Daniel is apparently on Team Carly...OMG they should sell T-shirts! Melanie will not forgive Carly...but she forgives Stephanie 1-2-3 that makes sense.

Carly and Phillip chat at the hospital, because why would she be working? She defends herself and he defends the fact he wants to protect Melanie. Why Melanie still needs protection is beyond me and maybe he should be getting her some medication instead. Carly will not be scared off by the likes of Phillip....only Vivian apparently. Carly can stand up to everyone but Vivian because Vivian gives her the shakes. Phillip then runs into Chloe...wow what a day for him. Basically Chloe needs therapy and it's finally going to happen. Wonder if the therapist is located near a tanning salon and that is why she is going?

Oh YAY! There is still a Hurricane in Santo Domingo....in MARCH! Okay let's all PANIC! Arianna tells Gaby about the non-wedding. If those pearls keep getting close ups this show is getting turned off. Brady tells Nicole he is sorry about everything. However, he thinks it is a bad idea for her to go back to Salem....Never lived there but even I wouldn't go!

Hope is playing that I want Bo back game and Julie has her all figured out. Julie thinks its a good idea if Hope finds Adrienne and makes things right with her..okay this is where Julie's advice turns bad. DUMB MOVE! Leave the woman you annoyed alone!

Nicole is being a cry baby because Brady is not her friend and he is going to be with Arianna. Brady has no time for Nicole...well you have only been out of jail like 5 hours, give the guy a break. Fay interrupts them to tell them about the hurricane. PANIC!!

Phillip and Chloe are talking and he is failing at cheering her up. *whispers* give her candy Phillip! Chloe has no problem with Melanie...but she does with her mother. That self-righteous doctor bitch who went and had a one night stand with a friend after dealing with a horrible husband...the nerve of her!

Daniel explains to Mel what everyone tries to explain about how Carly was trying to save her. Maybe they need to write it down for her because sometimes people understand things better when they read it. Melanie cannot just forgive her...this is a soap opera and we all have to wait until at least 3-6 months from now. And who walks in but that Carly woman....further proving the theory she does not work at all.

Stephanie thinks that Justin loves Adrienne....further proving she is a dumbass. Adrienne explains how much being with Justin sucks. Hope comes in and now the party of bitches is in full swing. My God does anyone own their own coffee machine? Adrienne shuts Hope up, which is why she should stay longer. Hope insists that Justin does not love her and leaves....the only smart thing she just did was leave.

Arianna tells Gaby about the hurricane..PANIC!! Brady comes in apologizing for the wedding and Nicole. He has every intention of finishing what they started....do you think he says that about sex too? Nicole believes Brady still loves her and Fay thinks she is an idiot. Brady goes to get the plane tickets and Arianna sits there talking to herself....even she did not want to listen to herself. Brady runs into Fay and she asks if he has feelings for Nicole. Why oh why did she ask that...what a way to waste another 10 minutes.

Hope tries to talk to Adrienne again. Hope does not know how to leave people alone....Not everyone likes you....deal with it! This is what happens when you do not tell men who are interested in you to go away...their wives HATE you!

Hope is still bugging Adrienne, who should file a restraining order at this point. Adrienne explains how selfish Hope is and how this is all really about Bo and her. How many times does she have to be told this before she gets it? Adrienne says to leave her alone and go work things out with Bo...and there goes Hope after Adrienne again. OMG LEAVE HER ALONE!!

Brady explains that he is concerned for Nicole not in love. Arianna interrupts and they leave. Nicole asks Fay what she thinks, and she thinks that Brady DOES love Nicole. Way to encourage your mentally unstable daughter there Fay!!

Chloe does not think Carly is going to be a problem, but then lists the ways that Carly sucks balls. Phillip explains every single way that Carly is a problem in Chloe's life. Basically Phillip just turned on the cold water to kick off the impending wet T-Shirt contest between Carly and Chloe.
Carly is trying to talk to Melanie, but the big words are looking a bit confusing to Melanie. Melanie proceeds to have one of her fits, that looks part seizure, part hissy fit. Carly will not shut up and will never give up on Melanie. Funny because she had no problem giving up on Nicky..where he at??

Hope thinks that Adrienne really needs to try again with Justin. She then apologizes and Adrienne looks like she wants to barf. If I could go to anyone about love advice it would definitely be Hope if I was looking to FUCK EVERYTHING UP!

Everyone is on a plane now out of the Hurricane land. PANIC!! Love how the hurricane does not effect the flight at all. And how did Nicole manage to get a seat in front of the unhappy unmarried couple?

Chloe is now even more paranoid about the whole Carly/Daniel/Melanie situation. Why the hell didn't Phillip just give her a joint to smoke?

Kinsey is working at the pub. First question: How do all these underage kids work in a pub? Next, WHY IS KINSEY STILL ALIVE?? This teen problem is spreading into every work place on this show. Kinsey wonders why Mel and Carly are together after all the crap that went down. How about mind your fucking business?

Hope meets Justin at the PIER. Almost thought we'd go a whole episode without seeing it! Hope admits she is a moron and that she messed up. Little confused in this conversation who the woman is and who the man is because Justin is acting like a whiny bitch. Again who is the man and who is the female?

Carly says Melanie's anger doesn't effect her anymore...but her crying fits scare her. She calls herself MOTHER..and HERE WE GO!! PANIC!!! and there is not even a Hurricane. Well, it's actually Hurricane Melanie....who hit a new level of squeal not heard before. Melanie tells Carly to leave her alone..for like the 9 billionth time. Maybe Carly has a hearing problem and that will be the special twist.

Hope says she has told Justin she does not love him....okay he's deaf too. Justin is mad because Hope made him look like an idiot...um, no you did that all on your own. Don't be giving Hope credit for something she did not do. Someone give Justin a tampon.

Nicole tells Brady she is going back to Salem. And then she shares with herself that she will never give up on Brady. Most people give up on Brady after meeting him but to each her own. Why go back to Salem though when more than half the town hates you and you are friends with Chloe of all people?

Chloe worries about being in competition with Carly....um, there is NONE. You lose Chloe. She gets all sappy about the baby stuff again, but she will not let that evil bitch Carly Manning take her man! Guessing she forgot that Carly is with Bo and that Daniel is not all that. She called Carly THAT WOMAN and SLUTTY.....last time I checked it was Carly who has been with more men in town.

Carly says she will leave Mel alone....for like 10 minutes maybe. Melanie says she has one parent and that is just Daniel. Did Melanie learn the birds and the bees or did Trent leave that part out? Melanie leaves after telling Carly she does not exist and Daniel goes after her. Melanie slips a little and then Daniel slips and falls on his ass.....oh wait maybe his head. Smelling a Brady Pub LAWSUIT!!! That is a bunch of blood for a fall like that. Okay that fall....HYSTERICAL how he did a butt flop, yet landed on his head. Melanie is a hot mess and Carly comes to help out.....Daniel might be screwed and not in a good way.

Previews: Sami and Rafe: Sami is annoyed that Rafe shuts her out. Is she serious? From the woman who asked for a break and constantly reminds Rafe he is not Sydney's father? Who also spends every moment with her rapist? Rafe has every right never to speak to Sami again, but he will because the dope loves her.

Chloe and Victor: Why the hell are they even talking to one another? They hate each other's guts. Chloe insists that her and Daniel are fine but Victor thinks otherwise. Loving how Chloe all by herself is sabotaging her relationship with her dad...I mean Daniel. Hoping Victor sets her dumbass straight and makes her a bigger mess than she already is.

Mel and Daniel: She begs him not to leave her. Thought the idea was to make him want to live? Offer him tanning and hair salon trips!!! Tell him that there are boobs everywhere!!! Tell him you will buy him porn....One of those would totally work.

The Boring and the Bogus

Rafe is on the phone...he is way too popular these days. For all these phone calls he learns absolutely nothing and has no friends. EJ walks in and mentions the BREAK. Rafe thankfully would rather talk about Anna.....if they bring up the boots the audience should stage a coup.

Kate tells Stefano to take his medication...can he pass some along to us because this is gonna be a long one? He would not need drugs if Nicole was still behind bars. Kate says if Nicole is smart she will stay away from Salem...famous last words. Stefano gets all mushy with Kate...um those drugs must kick in fast.

Brady tells Nicole to shut up again, and asks Ari if she still wants to marry him. Ari says yes but Nicole butts in again, and then Brady threatens to kick her butt. Can we at least change it up and say "ass" or is that not allowed in Daytime? Arianna comments that Nicole had her tongue down Brady's throat...um, SHE DID NOT! Seriously recalling that kiss, it was just a peck on the lips before the crazy brunette jumped in. Bottom Line for Arianna is that if Nicole is around then she does not want to marry Brady. That is a dumb reason, Do Not marry Brady because he is a moron, not because of Nicole.

Will visits his Grandma Kate and returns the gifts she brought him. Stefano feels bad Will was punished for actually doing NOTHING wrong. EJ probably threw will under the bus like the jackass he is. Will and Stefano should bond, and then we find out Chad is a DiMera and it ruins it all. Why do I not write for this show again??

Rafe still cannot figure out why Anna would kidnap Sydney and fake her death. EJ is pretending to be clueless, and Rafe points out that Anna was not working alone. How the hell did Rafe put that together??

Brady and Arianna are apparently the new Nathan and Stephanie...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Even Nicole is bored by them. This scene needs mouth to mouth because it is dying. Then Brady says quite possibly the dumbest thing ever. He wants to be married to Ari and Nicole's "friend." Men everywhere just smacked themselves in the head for Brady. Brady plans on ignoring Nicole...that would be like ignoring an oncoming train. Somehow Arianna falls for his shit and agrees to marry him. Hopefully Nicole is witnessing the dumbass that is Brady and changes her mind.

Just when it could not possibly get any worse.......Mia! Oh, the little slut Mia is on today. The little nympho tells Chad she broke up with Will....LIES Will broke up with you. Apparently Chad is the one she wants, until the Justin Bieber concert rolls into town. They start making out....don't they have jobs?? Where is the boss? Fire them! Gaby tries ordering some coffee....Why or why is she dumb enough to even go there? Does anyone even feel bad for this girl...besides family members?

Kate tries to play it off like she did not try to bribe Will. Maybe we would all like Will more if he cut his hair. He says that everyone is mad at Stefano/Kate and that EJ called him a "bloody bastard." Well in theory EJ is correct..but that is just a bastard calling another bastard..Bastard! Stefano is angered that Elivis did that...yeah because EJ himself IS A BASTARD. Susan was not married when she had him....by the way where the hell is Susan?

Rafe says someone had to be watching the baby when she was out and about. EJ thinks he might be right. So help me God EJ better get caught sometime this year.

Brady and Ari kiss and make up, and decide it's time to get married so they look for that dude who will marry them. Nicole starts boozing it up...which is why she is amazing! The Justice comes in and she kind of starts flirting with him. My God woman you have not been in prison long enough to want THAT guy.

Stefano decides that he is going to give EJ a lecture when he gets the chance. Kate looked sort of happy...hard to tell with the lack of facial movement. Rafe begins to think that Anna is not smart enough to plan all this. EJ comes up with some more lame shit, but Rafe says it does not matter because Anna AND her accomplice will be caught. *YELLS* He is in FRONT of YOU!!

Nicole is hitting on this guy. Ewww. Thankfully, and don't ask me how...Fay comes in and breaks the whole thing up. Nicole wonders what the hell Fay is doing there. Fay has brought her money?! Um, WHY would you bring her money when she told you she wanted NOTHING to do with you?? The Justice overhears that Nicole was in prison, then overhears about the kidnapping, and then the DiMeras. This guy just got schooled in all things Days in about a minute. It takes the audience about 6 months to gain the knowledge he just got...be thankful Dude and move on! Nicole says Stefano will not hurt her and Fay realizes that she knows who took the baby. Is it just me or do people get smarter when they are NOT in Salem?

Will tells Kate that he dumped Mia. Kate talks about how wonderful Will is...Forgot how good a liar this woman really is! Will says he does not have much faith in finding love. Well that is because your mother has been married about 8 times and your dad about the same. Falling in love is actually kind of easy if you think about it.

Fay yells at Nicole for hitting on this guy. Well yeah EWWWW. Seriously EW...go surfing or something. The dude leaves to go perform the ceremony. Nicole is annoyed she cannot stop the wedding now, and Fay is annoyed that Nicole wants to stop a wedding. Listen, you uncrossed your legs and had her Fay...don't get all bitchy now. Nicole says that Brady is the one for her....She can totally do better!

Brady and Ari walk in and Nicole congratulates them. Brady introduces Fay to his FIANCEE. Nicole wonders if the couple did not go through with it. Who cares really?? Like a marriage certificate is going to stop Nicole from going after Brady.

Taylor and Selena go back and forth. These two need bitch lessons from their elders because they ain't cutting it! Gaby points out that Will dumped her, but Mia still has Chad so just shut up!

Brady and Ari could not get married because of flooding. The wedding is being relocated due to the weather. Fay reminds the audience all the bad things Nicole did to EJ...yeah, but those things we enjoyed! Nicole is now doing the same thing with Brady, but this time the guy she is going after really does love her. Yeah, that is why he is in the room with Arianna and not you! Crap we have to hear the Peals Never Lie story again. Arianna is now changing her mind about getting married. Where is that Nicole speediness we have been seeing...we can use that RIGHT NOW!!

Will is leaving as EJ is coming into the mansion. Rafe questions Stefano about Anna and her involvement with Sydney's kidnapping. Stefano is as confused as ever. This dumb Stefano routine is getting old. He needs a shot of espresso and his balls back please!

Mia pours salt in Gaby's coffee. Okay that was funny...and I can neither confirm nor deny that I have done that myself. Chad overheard everything because this whole town has bionic hearing skills. He realizes that is was Will that dumped Mia and not the other way around. Mia calls Gaby a liar, but Chad can see right through Mia's bangs and into those doe eyes full of sluttiness. Chad leaves and Mia runs after him. Really hope that THIS gets them fired because they did not even punch out or ask for a break!

Stefano is still surprised that is was Anna who kidnapped Sydney. EJ starts attacking him and accusing him of being the accomplice. Even though they are related...Stefano needs to string this jackass of a son up by his balls.

Nicole asks her mom if she should be like her and marry a wife beating rapist....well EJ is still available you know! Brady is always there for her, so she loves him. I'm convinced a puppy can do the same things that Brady does for Nicole. Fay says if she loves Brady then she will let him go. Next time send the girl a Hallmark card...it would have had a better expression.

Brady thinks Arianna has cold feet. With her lack of clothing seriously doubt she has cold anything. And now that ugly dress is completely off. They are going to have sex. This episode has officially hit that point of USELESS!

Stefano tells Kate that they suspect Anna as the kidnapper. Stefano insists that he had nothing to do with kidnapping the baby. While feeling bad for Stefano, one must also realize that if it wasn't for all those kidnappings, murder plots, brainwashing, and fake death schemes..no one would suspect him. Logically he should be the first suspect, but at this point...STOP BLAMING STEFANO FOR EVERYTHING!

Mia pulls out the dead baby card. Here we go! Chad yells at her for bringing up that again. He blames the whole dead baby thing on her too. Let's blame all the dead babies in the world on Mia..it is fun! Awww Mia is left all alone and now she has no one to spend time with but herself. *Crossing Fingers* for potential suicide attempt.

Fay thinks Nicole can be happy! Nicole wants to be happy!! She is going to start a new life.....as long as it does not involve a wig then she has our full support. Brady and Ari are finally done. Ew. Just Ew Already. Now they are going to get married again. Going to guess the Catholic Church did not endorse this episode with all the premarital sex RIGHT BEFORE the wedding ceremony.

Rafe believes Stefano...about friggin' time someone did. EJ cannot figure out who it was then that was working with Anna. This EJ act is not so much fun to watch. Rafe is going to go to Santo Domingo to question Nicole. Wonder if he will give Arianna away? At the speed the planes fly in Salem..Rafe could totally make it in time! Meanwhile, Fay is shocked that Nicole is listening to her...um, this should be your first inkling that she is LYING to you!

Rafe gets a phone call..AGAIN. Perhaps Rafe is also a victim of the Telemarketing industry. Stefano is annoyed with EJ for thinking he kidnapped Sydney. Kate interrupts them and Rafe comes in to announce he is NOT going to Santo Domingo. Perhaps the FBI is tired of paying for Rafe's shit. Brady and Arianna are told by the Justice that something shocking is happening..Is it that this show is finally over??

Anna looks comfortable wherever she be at..and with that DUDE in her room. Stefano cannot believe Anna would be capable of all this. Kate suggests that she was not the Brains of the operation. Of all people..it is KATE to point this out.

Previews: Hope says she messed up big time. Did Hope just admit she is not Perfect?? Is it possible? Listen whether she messed up or not...just FEED THE WOMAN! She needs to take a good look at the full figured women in her town.

Melanie and Daniel: She tells him that he cannot forgive her. Gee. Wonder if they talking about Carly? DUH! Melanie needs to get over shit and just say okay I have a mother who hangs out at a PIER with her married boyfriend who might be going through a mid life crisis. Could be worse...Hope could be your mom!


Phillip and Carly: He tells her Melanie does not want Carly in her life so Carly should stay out of it. See to Carly that is like an open invitation to smother her daughter even more. Bad Move Phillip! Now Carly is going to pitch a tent outside Maggie's house and follow Melanie around everywhere. Carly should buy her things...buying children's love always works. Melanie needs some new Hello Kitty merchandise like no one's business.

One Sex Life To Live....It's Bo and Carly's!

Bo and Carly are still dry humping each other. This is one of those moments when being on the PIER is really annoying and they should move along to a bedroom please, or at least Bo's sofa. Bo actually stops the sexy times to say that he will be there for Carly, and Carly loves him so much. Does anyone have a cigarette? Dear Lord. Vivian wants to know if Carly drugs the men she dates or hypnotizes them. Even though Carly has access to prescriptions, she clearly hypnotizes men with the Green eyes and the ass powers. Vivian wonders how intelligent men fall for Carly. Okay wait Roll Call....Lawrence...yeah not that smart.....Bo...well DUH...Victor eh sometimes, but then again NO...and Daniel....the Flatline noise confuses him. When has Carly dated an intelligent guy?

Hope is doing her job again, and has Bo flashbacks. Oddly enough I have Bo flashbacks at random moments of the day too, but mine usually focus on pool table sex. Justin comes in and accuses Hope of playing God. First off, way to insult GOD and secondly Hope is closer to the Grim Reaper than she is to the Almighty.

Abe is with Sami and really no clue as to why. Since when does the Mayor visit people based on the release of a prisoner? Abe says he is having the place watched. Wouldn't it have been creepy if Abe was having the house watched all along and he this town creeper peeper? A girl can dream! Sami goes off a little more than she normally does. Sami is about an 8 on the scale of Whacked Out Sami. She even admits to wanting to kill the Governor...normally people are arrested for that!

Victor and Rafe are still chatting, after the two dumbasses realize Anna pulled the whole thing off. The Governnor and EJ are also chatting about the same thing. He explains that Anna blackmailed him, and EJ insists that he will find out what she blackmailed him with and then use that to ruin Jim. Well way to expose your whole plan there EJ. EJ wants to know everything that Anna told Jim. Hopefully he shares with him the kinky shit we all missed...maybe it will make EJ puke and go away for a bit.

The Justice runs into Nicole and thinks she is the Bride.Usually people think the women who are dressed in white dresses are the Bride's but to each his own. Some random lady is dressing Arianna for the wedding. The pearl necklace breaks and the lady starts freaking out that something bad will happen. Well yeah you just broke a necklace you moron. By the way this further proves my theory that Brady is cheap...cheap pearl necklace broke!

The Justice of the Peace tells Nicole everything about Arianna and Brady getting married. This dude should of signed a confidentiality agreement. Nicole is excited she got there in time to stop the wedding. The lady dresser tells Arianna that since the pearls were from her fiancee it means the marriage will not last. You do not need a psychic to tell you a marriage will not work out in Salem. Nicole talks to herself and then Brady finally sees her and stares at her. Love how seeing Nicole leaves Brady speechless...no wait he is just dumb.

Justin is annoyed with Hope for bringing Adrienne to Salem. Actually I'm kind of happy she brought her back. Dammit I'm on Hope's side again for fucks sake. Justin thinks Hope did all this so she would not move on from Bo. Why in hell would Hope be interested in Justin? Seriously say she has moved on, why is Justin so conceited as to think it would be with him? There is a better chance of Hope eating a hamburger than to be really interested in Justin of all people. Hope reveals her wedding ring is off and she is ready to move on. Bet that the ring fell off her skeleton finger because she lost more weight.

Vivian asks Carly if she brings all her "studs" to the PIER. Vivian lets Bo know that the day before Carly brought the guy who knocked her up to the PIER too. Carly does meet many people at the PIER. In fact, she is a big PIER WHORE. Bo threatens Vivian and tells her if she does not stop harassing Carly then he will end her life. He should just torture her and talk to her everyday.

Victor thinks that Anna got the pardon to get back at EJ. Rafe wonders what Anna had on the Governor to blackmail him. Thankfully Victor sets him straight and points out that the Governor is a frat boy...they should have both just went ewwwwwww at the thought of Jim and Anna.

Jim says Anna never mentioned EJ and then asks for money. Really hope that was a sarcastic joke. EJ calls the man a parasite...apparently EJ has not looked in the mirror. EJ calls Anna, who is sitting on her plane. Again, how the hell can you use the cellphone on a plane?? It is NOT allowed in the REAL WORLD.

Brady cannot believe it is really Nicole. She explains that she got a pardon. Brady feels that Nicole should have really called. You think?! Nicole says that everything has changed now. Well yes the wig is off and you have makeup on!!

Sami points out that Nicole did not have any friends...because you have TONS of friends yourself Sami. Just because half the town consists of your family and children DOES NOT mean you have friends. Love how Abe knows that Chloe is TWEEDLEDUM. Abe does not think Nicole's friends..Brady and Chloe the town morons..could manage a pardon. They realize it has to be someone with "clout"...the word of the day....so who can it be? Oh God Sami is actually talking about her Rafe problems with Abe...WHYYYY???????

Rafe wonders what the connection between Nicole and Anna is. Victor says they are both greedy and stupid women who married DiMeras. I love Victor but he keeps stealing my potential snarky jokes and I am starting to resent him!

Arianna is annoyed by this woman freaking out on her. Apparently the "pearls never lie." My God Passions has better storylines than this one! Meanwhile, Brady calls the prison to make sure that Nicole is not lying. Nicole says she is done lying, but as Brady points out she kind of lied just then when she said she was there for business. Brady explains he is there to get married...um that only gives Nicole even more reason to stay you moron. Why not invite her to the wedding and have her come up before they ask that wonderful "does anyone object" question??

Bo tells Vivian he is not joking and will really kill the bitch....Vivian by the way, not Carly, Hope, Nicole, Sami, or any other bitch in Salem. Vivian notices that Bo loves Carly. Well the Captain Obvious of the award goes to: Vivian Alamain!!! Go Viv! Vivian thinks it is really unfair that he loves Carly. Well it is unfair we have to watch this show but you know what we do!

Justin is worried about Hope.....so is most of the audience..feed her! Justin then goes on and on about his feelings for Hope. UGH. He is in love with her. Thankfully Adrienne overhears everything and is there to break up the lovefest with awkward tension. Luckily Adrienne's hair is also short so no one has to hold it when she throws up over the fact Justin loves Hope.

Anna is giddy because EJ will never find her. Did the DiMera's lose all their connections and we were not told? EJ realizes that Nicole remembered everything so Anna helped her out. Anna has flashbacks of those good times with Nicole, but lets EJ know she covered for him. Before she can insult him he hangs up. EJ is RUDE! Is Anna really leaving because her comedic timing is needed on this show?!

Nicole gets upset Brady is marrying a drug dealer. Guessing that Nicole has forgotten every bad thing she has done in this very moment! Brady points out that he is in love and Arianna is not a dealer. Way to insult dealers across America...they can get married too you know! Nicole does not want Brady hurt, and he reminds her that SHE actually hurt him. Nicole wants him to be happy so she takes it upon herself to kiss him...and of course here is Arianna...in what appears to be a TOGA. People need to learn to make out in confined spaces where there are no windows or video equipment.

EJ gets to Sami's place and tells her that it was Anna who blackmailed the Governor. Sami is more confused than usual, and in walks Rafe to make it worse. Rafe says that Nicole must have remembered that it was Anna who kidnapped the baby. Great now they will all hate Anna for a few months and completely ignore the fact that EJ is a bastard.

Adrienne asks to speak to Hope alone for some girl talk...why the hell would she punish herself like that? Justin apologizes for announcing that he loves Hope...it made many people vomit at the same time. I'm not accepting his apology! Adrienne tells him to beat it and then goes after Hope. She points out that Bo dumped her..YES!..so she went after her husband...well NO! Can Adrienne stay forever based on this ass whooping that Hope is finally getting?

Vivian is annoyed that Carly killed Larry and gets her happy ending. No one is ever happy Viv....you know this! You can still torture her and not kill her you know! Bo tells her if she is not careful she will be joining Larry in hell....yeah like the bastard is really dead....not buying it!

Sami goes from nuts to bonkers. She wants Anna to pay for her crimes. Alllllllll of a slutttennn Sami wants the kidnapper to pay??! How convenient! Rafe tells them about his Nicole visit and how the pardon made her shut up. EJ wants Anna brought to trial, rightttttttttt. Rafe wants to question Nicole...the pathological liar.....can he use the "truth serum" he used on Stefano?? That stuff would come in handy for the whole town ya' know!

Arianna yells at Nicole for being out of jail. She thinks she should have gone to Brazil instead because Brazil does not have extradition. Does it freak anyone else out that Arianna knows this?? Brady says that Nicole was pardoned. Nicole says it was a kiss goodbye and goes to leave but Arianna stops her. Unless she smacks the crap out of Nicole, there is NO reason for Arianna to stop her from leaving.

Bo keeps threatening Vivian...if I were Vivian I'd just give Bo a great big bear hug and pinch his cheeks. He is so cute when he tries to threaten someone. Vivian decides that maybe it is best to let go of the grudge. Carly finally talks!! It is a miracle she is able to speak for herself! Carly ain't buying that Vivian wants to let bygones be bygones. Vivian won't say "au revoir" just goodbye? Um, has she taken French lessons because um that makes no sense? Carly thinks she is lying...Bo just wants to take Carly and do some lying together......in bed.

Hope explains how this is all Adrienne's fault. Had she not kicked him out then Justin would not have been crushed. Adrienne does not care about Justin. Finally a character agrees with us!

Sami thinks that Anna and Nicole might be working together. Sami is still shocked it was Anna, and EJ plays the victim saying it was his fault because of the Tony drama. It IS all your fault!Sami does not know how Anna knew Nicole was in Cleveland.....does this mean Cleveland is right by Salem? EJ really starts to throw himself under the bus to the point where it is annoyingly obvious he was in on it. He "understands" if Sami never forgives him. Really hope Nicole figures it out and tortures the asshole.

Arianna yells at Nicole and says she is there to break up the wedding. She then makes a big speech about how Nicole planned to see them on their wedding and that was how she would ruin their wedding. HUH? WHAT? She might as well be speaking Spanish because who can translate the crap coming out of her mouth. She says she is okay with not marrying Brady. How did we get here?

Hope thinks that Adrienne obviously came to Salem because she still loves Justin. Well actually when you tell someone that the father of their children is in trouble...normal people actually come running to help them. Adrienne calls Hope out on her shit and says this is all about Hope and Bo. Hope seriously needs to get out and date more. Is there like a town chef who is available?? Free romance and free food!!

Bo and Carly are doing IT. Carly is not wearing a bra by the way. (Bra Debacle is still fresh in our minds Crystal Chappell!!) Carly stops him....these two have GOT to stop interrupting each other when they are making out! She wants to know if Bo will really kill Vivian. Um, way to ruin the mood Carly! Bo points out that they should be having the sex!! He says that its only important that Vivian is threatened by the idea and that Victor will back him up. Carly thinks its actually over....and there is her dumb moment of the day. When does Vivian ever let anything go? Anyways they are going back to eating each other's faces and dry humping!

Vivian tells Victor that she will not kill Carly and she will marry Victor. On the bright side, maybe marrying Victor will kill Kate. Vivian wants Victor to trust her that she will not kill Carly. Honestly, it would be nice to see Vivian go after Kate because those two just have the best old lady fights ever. Praying for the Days when we see them hitting each other with their canes and walkers.

Sami is a moron and tells EJ he should not blame himself. Rafe comes in and says he has news to share. Rafe needs to do us all a favor and drop his gun so it shoots one of them because this love triangle is getting so old. EJ is a rapist...please escort him to the door!

Brady tells Arianna that he loves her and wants to get married. He also loves Nicole, and Nicole takes the chance to say that Arianna is having doubts. Someone make them all stop talking!

Adrienne says that Bo is with Carly. WHOA! Someone actually said something that was true. This better not be a dream sequence! She tells Hope she needs to move on and then leaves. Adrienne is officially my new favorite character. Now she just has to friends with Carly and this would make it the perfect situation.

Speaking of Carly....she appears to be with Bo although it is kind of hard to tell because they are so close that legally they could be considered one person. There was an I love you Princess somewhere in there, but the heavy breathing distracted me and where is that damn cigarette? Vivian says that Bo and Carly are together but not for long. This makes Victor happy. Of course with the amount of sex that they are having Bo and Carly are none the wiser that Vivian will eventually break them up instead of killing them.

Rafe announces that Nicole is in Santo Domingo. Sami wants to know why she is there. Well, after jail the girl needed a vacation dammit. Brady tells Nicole to shut up, and begs Arianna to also kind of shut up. Arianna says that Nicole being free changes everything. Brady says he knows what he wants and asks her if she still wants to get married. As if this was not torture enough we then get a closeup of them all. How does getting a closer view of Arianna's nostrils leave me wanting more?

Previews: Kate and Stefano: If SHE had half a brain she'd stay away from Salem and the family. Kate says this and it could literally be about anyone in this dumbass town. In fact, can all the women be in attendance for Kate's speech because they all need to realize that they all lack a thing called intelligence....Except Adrienne because she is obviously a smart as hell out of towner.

Rafe says that Anna was not acting alone. Wow, how did he figure that out? Could it be that everyone knows Anna is not smart enough to plan out something like this?? Fat chance!

Arianna tells Brady that she does not want to marry him today. Is tomorrow better for her?? Sometime this summer? This show is very flexible with time so whenever she is ready that is fine!

The Old and the Hot Messes

Bo pays his dad a visit. Nothing like Kiriakis bonding to kick off an episode. Bo wants to talk Vivian and Carly with Victor. Why not torture him and throw Kate into the mix? Victor said the feud will not be over until either Carly or Vivian is dead. Well, yeah but both have beaten death so what the hell are we supposed to do waiting for one of these bitches to keel over? Speaking of the little bitches...they meet up at the Java Cafe. Well with Carly's coffee track record and Vivian's penchant for poisoning..this should go well.

Nathan and Melanie are still talking about that damn Letter. Can they just pretend the letter thing never happened because it's irritating the shit out of me and many viewers? Okay he wants to know what was in the thing and Mel says she will tell him the truth. No he really wants you to lie to him. Go and lie to the nerd boy because if you tell him it says you loved him he will never go away. Where is a town serial killer when you need one? DEIDRE?!!

Sami looks at a picture of Rafe. Would have been funny if the kids drew it and it had big old eyebrows. EJ takes it from her and tells her that she is not alone. Well yeah you won't go away!! And the lady is surrounded by children at all times...she is NEVER ALONE. EJ needs to have an affair with someone else for a bit because this Sami obsession is getting really unattractive.

Nicole is already on a plane. Dammit how does she move so quickly and can she pass along her secret to the people of Salem? How the hell did she get a passport so quickly?? How come when someone needs a gun its never around, but the villains always have access to shit? She fantasizes about Brady...ewww apparently she also got into someone's bad marijuana stash. Nicole cannot wait to surprise Brady in Santo Where ever the Fuck because it doesn't exist.

Just when things could not get grosser...here are Brady and Arianna. Why don't they just have them constantly having sex..oh wait they do that now. They are in bathing suits chasing each other....at least they are attractive. In a few hours Arianna will be Mrs. Brady Black....Arianna Black...that sounds HORRIBLE.

Anna is on her plane and celebrating that she is free. I'd celebrate after the plane landed thank you. Rafe visits her boytoy the Governor and asks why the hell he would release Nicole DiMera. The Governor said that the "people" wanted it.....to be fair to the Governor the people of Salem are really stupid and would probably vote to release Nicole and send Carly to jail instead. The Governor says that Nicole has suffered enough. Rafe wants to know why he is lying....Dude he is a POLITICIAN...they lie! Can we send Rafe a care package with flash cards and Dummy guides?

The Plane's Captain says the plane is experiencing mechanical problems. Okay this is the SECOND time Anna has been on a bad plane...bitch take a boat! Why are all the planes in Salem pieces of crap...OMG are they flying US Airways?

Melanie says she wanted to say goodbye to Nathan and sorry for all the problems she caused him. Just lie and tell him you wanted him to get lost. This is a soap opera...LIE BETTER! Crap Nathan can tell she is lying. Little confused....Melanie hates Carly because she lied to her for years and ruined her life...yet, she likes Nathan............who is boring..........a bad kisser.......and boring.......and a moron......That makes sense.

Vivian and Carly do their usual thing where they take shots at one another. Carly doesn't care that Vivian is going to kill her....that's the spirit!! This is getting old really fast...can we have like a grudge match or like an arm wrestling thing?! These two need a good shoving thing or bitch slap fest. Vivian is on in years but I think she can take Carly...especially in a fashion contest. YEESH.

Bo wants Vivian to cut the shit! Victor is being a doofus and can't do anything about it. Little confused as to how or why Victor cannot kill Vivian. Bo says that he will kill Vivian himself. Bo can't even make dinner or solve a case, yet he is going to try and kill Vivian? The bearded dude wouldn't even pay his kids ransom, but he'll get away with killing Vivian! Yeah, too bad this is not a dream sequence.

EJ bad mouths Rafe because that is the coolest thing to do aside from yelling at Manning! Sami appreciates EJ...don't ask me why...what the hell just happened? Sami needs to wake up and smell the asshole. EJ should fool around with another woman and Sami can be an evil bitch again and break them up. If she is going to be with EJ at least make it interesting.

The Governor is not happy with Rafe, and Rafe is not happy with the Governor. We do not have a love connection. Rafe is going to give Jim one more chance to tell him why he let Nicole go....Or else what?? Rafe is just an FBI guy what the hell is he going to do? Wait, maybe just talking to the Governor will weaken him...Rafe can bore a confession out of anyone.

Brady calls a justice of the peace and everything is falling into place for the wedding. He and Arianna are giddy and the rest of us have lactose intolerance from all that CHEESE! Meanwhile Nicole....who better break up this wedding...is still dreaming on the plane. She tells Brady she has learned her lesson and asks for another chance. All he does is touch her cheek. Man she can't even catch a break and it is her dream! Nicole says it won't happen that fast but Brady will love her again. WOW! Nicole actually made a comment about HOW SLOW SHIT GOES on this show!

EJ is annoying me and I do not want to comment on him anymore. Basically he treasures his time with the kids and Sami. If they treasure time with the kids so much then why do they always stuff them in another room?

Jim basically comments on how Rafe can not look into a pardon. Rafe wouldn't even know how to get to that file he is so dumb. Rafe is angry and leaves. Rafe is mad. Rafe is sad. Rafe do not like Jim Man's words. Rafe will do something. Rafe want to hurt somebody. Yes, everyone Rafe is a caveman.

Victor does not think that Bo has inherited his "getting away with murder" skills. Bo says he will kill Vivian and then admit to her murder. That is just the greatest plan ever. Victor says Bo will go to jail!! Okay the Captain Obvious award today....yes Victor. Bo tells Victor that Vivian has to end everything. That is seriously no fun! Victor says, "You'd give up your life for a cheap slut?" I must have missed something what does Mia have to do with any of this??? No wait he means Carly sorry! How is Carly a slut by the way? She slept with Bo, Daniel, and Lawrence..that is three people. Has he met Sami Brady? Bo will do anything to protect Carly and not throw away people he loves. *WHISPERS* Bo just said he loved Carly again...Now if only he could say it to the FACE! Victor says this would kill his mother....this just reminded Bo that Caroline is still alive.

Carly asks Vivian if she is finished. Well that is a dumb question because then she has to answer it and that would mean she is not finished. Vivian notices Carly's hands are shaking...just like when she performs surgery. Maybe Carly shouldn't be drinking coffee if her hands are shaking that much. Vivian gets a call from Victor and calls him her "Sunshine"?? WTF! Vivian does something every episode that just adds to a diagnosis of Bat Shit Crazy. Victor tells her to get her ass over to his place and Vivian says Toodles to Carly. Once again: the Vivian and Victor show. Make it happen NBC!

Melanie needed that dirty word: closure. I'm convinced most people do not know the definition of that word when they use it. Melanie explains she wished things worked out between them but she blew it. She made her decision and Phillip wins because he is just so dreamy! She wrote the letter because she just wants to be friends with Nathan. She should have told him it was a chain letter and now he is going to have 10 years bad luck. Nathan cannot be friends with Melanie...and he gets pissy like a total girl!

Sami and EJ are still making me ill. Only interesting thing is Rafe comes in and says that Nicole is a free woman. Meanwhile Nicole decides to call Brady before someone lets him know she has been pardoned. Brady's phone rings and Nicole pees a little.....she totally did!

Stephanie sees Carly at the cafe and asks if she is okay. What??? A new friend, and it's her daughter's new enemy?? Just perfect!! Stephanie should ACTUALLY be Carly's daughter. It would make more sense and they look more alike. Stephanie says she heard their whole story, and Carly adds that Melanie hates her. Stephanie knows how she feels because Melanie hates her too. Wow Melanie hates many people...she is turning into Victor.

Nicole hangs up and continued peeing herself. So confused how going to see Brady is so exciting. Brady looks at his phone and then gawks at Arianna...eww. Arianna wonders how Melanie will react to the news. Brady leaves and tells Arianna to call Melanie. She does and Melanie starts whining...Dammit totally thought we were in the clear for the day and then she just whips out the whine. Love how Arianna calls with news and Melanie makes it about herself.

Sami and EJ: It is like the turning Red and overly blinking show! They cannot believe Nicole was pardoned. Rafe says that no one knows where Nicole is right now. GEE WOW! You would think that maybe Rafe would have a cop on her tail or something to make sure she stayed away from Sydney. EJ is going to pay the Governor a visit and Sami is wondering who Nicole knows that can get her a pardon. Half the town has received a pardon from jail...it really is not that hard!

The Pilot announces that the plane is fixed. Anyone else want Anna to stay??!! She is totally too cool a character to just leave. Stay Anna Stay!!

Bo meets up with Carly....where else? THE PIER!!! Can they get a new boat together and call it the Fancier Face??! Bo says its all done, but Carly says um NO Vivian just threatened her. Bo will stop that Vivian....because he has done such a great job of that in the past...Buried Alive story Bo...BURIED ALIVE...where were u??

Vivian shows up at the mansion and Victor tells her that her plans to kill Carly are over. He tells her that she is not to touch a hair on Carly's hair..which begs the question can Vivian touch other parts that belong to Carly? Arms? Boobs? Legs? Ass? Vivian starts talking about her "Raison d'etre" which is French for Get me off this show! Victor says he realizes that this seems impossible but he will offer himself to her. Did anyone else just laugh?? Victor just indecent proposalled himself to Vivian so she does not kill Carly.

Stephanie sees Nathan at the hospital. UGH! Nathan tells her that the letter was not important. Stephanie wants to know EXACTLY what she told him. That is not at all nosey or suspicious of her to ask.

Arianna wants to know what Melanie's problem is. Melanie decides to be a normal human being and change the subject. Arianna tells her that her and Brady are eloping. Melanie freaks out with glee but still manages to ask why she is not a bridesmaid. SHE PULLED THE SELFISH MOVE AGAIN! When they get back Melanie is throwing them a party....hopefully it will be more exciting than her wedding although how can you top a shooting party? Brady overhears Melanie dissing him and then the conversation is thankfully over. Melanie starts with the crying dammit. She calls Phillip to tell him she loves him.....the way you would tell your dog you love them.

Rafe calls Roman...boy that was a bad move! Rafe wants to try to figure out what the hell is going on. He goes to leave and Sami tells him she does not want them to be apart. BiPolar Sami is back....oh how we've missed her from the other day. NOW she loves Rafe again, when EJ is not around.

Brady and Ari are still being gross. This may be a record for even them. Why are they even wearing clothing at this point??!! He is actually suggesting they get married in their underwear. They have no regrets and the justice of the peace arrives to marry them. Let's just all hope that no matter what happens...they are using protection so they do not breed.

Nathan apologizes to Stephanie for being the douche bag that he is, and throws Melanie under the bus. It is ALL Melanie's fault. Stephanie continues the Melanie bashing and blames their break up on her too. Nathan suggests that things do not have to be over for them. Oh Really?! Someone wants some more pity sex and Stephanie better not fall for this shit.

Victor better get a hug from Bo for this because he has offered to marry Vivian to keep her from killing Carly. Vivian is sooooo happy, but she is not sure she wants to give up her revenge for Victor. She needs time to think about this.....guessing she has forgotten she is kind of old and does not have much time.

Bo tells Carly what he did and she begs him not to actually go through with his Vivian plan. Luckily Bo never follows through on anything so Carly really has nothing to worry about. Bo says the law sucks and he will protect her. He tells Carly he LOVES HER...OMG about time!!..and that he wont let anyone take her from him. Never ever ever in the history of never evers. Awwwwww. The Princess and the Sailor are going strong...until he decides to go back to Freaky Face.

Rafe does not want to leave Sami but he does not really see how they can be together. See Rafe, when you stay in the same place as another person...that is staying together. Hope that helped. He leaves her there, and Sami is upset, and Rafe is upset, and we are all upset because this was a waste of a minute.

The Governor gets a visit from EJ who screams How bloody dare you, you Wanker!! Not really but he should have!

Nathan thinks he and Stephanie can actually work....wow that is not what you said about an hour ago. Stephanie realizes she is his second choice but Nathan is like NOOO WAYY.....she is actually the only choice if you think about it. Melanie sees a ghost of Nathan and says goodbye to it. Really wish I would have been joking there but sadly this show just did that.

Bo and Carly are about to have sex on the PIER, seriously there is dry humping. That should totally be the name of a drink: Sex on the Pier! Bo puts a stop to it which is very rare of him to do...what the hell. He feels the need to talk and tell Carly that he will be there for her. WE KNOW. GO have sex dammit! Vivian is watching them of course and ewww can the voyeurism stop for once on this show?

The Justice of the peace does not have the license and he goes to get it. He bumps into Nicole who is looking for Brady. The Justice assumes she is the Bride. Well now that was not awkward at all. At least it did not take Nicole that long to learn Brady is getting married. Again Nicole exists in a special time warp on this show. Anna is still sitting on her plane wishing she was in Nicole's special speedy world.

Rafe goes to see Victor to ask about the Governor. He asks if the visit had anything to do with Nicole...yeah because Nicole is Victor's favorite person in the world. Jim thought EJ was behind the pardon and reveals that a family member is behind it all. Okay the scenes are interchanging between these 4 idiots. Victor realizes WTF has happened. EJ thinks it was Stefano, but Jim reveals it was his sister in law. And for the brain dead audience members because we apparently need it spelled out for us...Victor blurts out: Anna DiMera. What a bunch of schmucks!

Previews: Sami asks Abe why he would do it, referring to the Governor. Since when does Abe know anything?? She just went to Abe for absolutely no reason. Actually she might have went to him because his voice is so suave and soft spoken and he delivers bad news in such a Morgan Freeman way.

EJ threatens the Governor. This is not surprising. Just the other day EJ threatened Theo and the guy at the Ice Cream shop for not giving him a double cone. For an Italian Mafia ringleader, EJ's British accent offends Mob Bosses everywhere.

Nicole tells Brady that everything has changed. Notice that he is staring at the fact that the wig is off!! Big Change!! Change is good...especially with regard to poor hair and fashion blunders!!