As The Ass Whooping Turns

EJ is still dealing with the fact that he is in love with Sami. He is actually acting like he just found out he is about to have a baby. Now he is having Sami flashbacks....Dear God, let this be the last one. Poor Sydney has to hear that her rapist daddy loves her mommy. If he strokes her head any harder its going to rip off.

Sami and Nicole....let the games begin! Seriously someone break out a ring or one of those inflatable castles if the budget is an issue. Also, can it be like the WWE with there street fight matches?? No rules..hair pulling and smacks to the face..ALLOWED!

Nathan and Stephanie....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz he buys her coffee and they ramble. Emmy worthy material for the writing team. Someone step in and stop the pain.

Chloe is getting uppity in Carly's face and she needs to back the fuck off and simmer down. It's not like Carly hit him with her car or anything. He FELL...that moron Kinsey even explained it to you. Carly says there is a problem....yeah its Chloe and her tan! Side note: Chloe's still having a good hair day...go Bjorlin!

Melanie is visiting Daniel, who has not suffered enough. Melanie is blubbering and rambling, and actually just being Melanie. Daniel looks like he wants to puke or smack Melanie from delirium. No he just sees two of her....amazing special effects! It looks like he went totally cross eyed and now I have a headache. Now he really is scared because two Melanies is just plain wrong.

EJ is still freaking out about being in love with Sami...look we all freaked out too, just get over it and stop taking it out on the baby in your arms. Thankfully he puts the baby down...now remove yourself from her life! Lexie comes over and how the hell is she going to make things better?

Rafe and Arianna are at the pub and she tells him Nicole is in town. Hmmm where can she be?? with SAMI! Sami is pissed that Nicole came back to Salem. Nicole tells Sami she is not leaving and she better get used to it. The cat part of this fight needs to happen already. Hopefully both women got their nails done because its clear they got their hair DID.

A doctor who actually works tells them that Daniel's MRI shows that there is blood in his eyes or some kind of fancy place that basically means eye area. Chloe and Carly also need the Cliff Notes version because they do not understand....you don't fool me "Doctor" Manning. Daniel is still seeing two Melanies...PANIC!! Doctor man says he will experience double vision, but it might go away. That was such a definitive diagnosis. Chloe might start to cry or she hates that hospital smell. The doctor thinks he will be okay...until Melanie comes screaming out of the room like a banshee. Something is wrong...PANIC!!!

Nicole is really happy to be home. Sami is NOT happy that she is home. Essentially there is an ass whooping with Nicole's name on it. Sami threw down the purse...ITS ON! Unfortunately...there is also an ass whoopin' registry that has EJ's name on it as well. Perhaps one day Rafe will deliver. Lexie can tell there is something wrong with her brother...is it all the blinking or the shaking that is giving it away? EJ says he should have listened to Lexie..she agrees with this then is wondering what the hell he be talking about. Lexie wants to throw a party because EJ is finally ready to admit he loves his Samantha....however EJ ruined everything. Lexie is confused just like the audience...LOVE when that happens.

Rafe is annoyed Arianna was going to elope and not tell him....that is usually how an elopement works Rafe. She tells him the Santo Domingo story...why did he get the fast version and not us? Rafe mentions that Nicole is back....um yes this has been established! Arianna makes it about her and says Nicole is there to wreck her life. That is really selfish...she is honestly there to ruin everyone's lives.

Nicole asks about Sydney.....well that is a sore subject. Sami says she is great and Anna THE KIDNAPPER took good care of her. How the hell did the kidnapper get a compliment? She knows that Nicole realized Anna took the baby and got her pardon. Nicole says that Sami should stop playing the victim because she is just as bad a liar as Nicole...TRUEFAX! Then she mentions Rafe....wow someone did some research to know what buttons to push!

The Doctor has a name and its Aiden. The women excuse themselves and this Cat Fight is going to start. Chloe goes after Carly because she is an idiot and Melanie steps in to defend Carly. No you read that CORRECTLY....MELANIE DEFENDS CARLY! We have made a breakthrough!! Carly might die of shock. Someone get the gurney out!

Stephanie and Nathan....they still exist.

EJ explains how he should not love Sami but he does LOVE Sami....no like her really LOVES her. Seriously people he LOVES her. Lexie says that EJ cannot control who he loves. EJ says he will not tell her how he feels....well yeah because that would be the normal thing to do. Lexie thinks it's because of Rafe, but EJ says he is out of the picture. Too bad he did not do a jig of glee after he said that.

Nicole basically turns the tables on Sami and blames HER for everything that happened. Sami did not want to hear that. And Nicole's face did not want to feel that FIST TO THE FACE! Don't even care who wins....let's see BLOOD!

Melanie explains that she started the fight with Carly and Daniel followed her and slipped on an ice cube. The Doctor wants to run more tests, and Daniel stares at his double hand....so if he sees two hands does that mean when he grabs Chloe's boobs he is grabbing them twice?? Daniel tells her that he is going to be fine and they hug. He totally copped a feel. Carly is having coffee....has she not learned she should stay away from coffee while near Melanie? She thanks Melanie, but Melanie wants to know if Carly will tell her the truth about Daniel. The Wailing Girl asks if Daniel is going to be okaaaayyyyyyyy!

Rafe calls Sami and leaves a message about Nicole...talk about TOO LATE! Arianna asks how him and Sami are doing.......UGH bad question! He asks about her elopement. Okay, do we really need all these let's catch up with the Hernandez family moments? She is NOT pregnant and she is going to have the wedding in Salem. They are having a huge sappy moment. Luis and Theresa were not this sappy. He finally leaves to go find Nicole...could it be that his sister bores him?? YES!

Lexie wonders if EJ is looking to get back together with Sami if it is true that her and Rafe are over. She thinks he should go for a walk. Seriously? Apparently a walk will solve all of EJ's problems! If this were true I'd walk EVERYWHERE.

Sami says she should not have punched Nicole. Nicole thinks her jaw is broken...FAKE OUT! BOOM! Sami got it in the face too. They both made the other bleed! Where is the popcorn?? This is the greatest thing ever! Okay they are basically wrestling without the mud...and OMG that poor bench! Nicole tries to SPEAR Sami, while Sami pounds on her back in a spanking motion. No one person is really winning, although Nicole seems to be on top a great deal more when it gets to the ground. Is anyone doing a ten count?

Stephanie and Nathan are still talking and no one knows why. Nathan brings up that special letter and says that everything that happened is okay because the letter said nothing good. Luckily we get a flashback to the letter in case we forgot how stupid it was to begin with. She is sorry he got hurt and he pulls the let's start over routine. That was Cheesy and it was not Gouda!

Chloe is harassing Daniel and not in a good way. The dude sees two of everything stop annoying him! Carly says she does not know what will happen with Daniel....that is doctor talk for "I cannot give you a diagnosis because you might sue me if I am wrong." Melanie realizes he needs his eyes because he is a doctor.....um, most people need their eyes in general Melanie. Melanie deserves props though for realizing that before Chloe did. Melanie blames herself for everything...even though yesterday she blamed Carly. Carly says its better that she blame her! These two deserve each other with the back and forth let's blame the other than myself game.

EJ decides going to the gym would be a good idea. Side note: James Scott is fine and HELLO! Question though: Who works out in THAT much clothing? Does he have an anti-shirt off clause where he only does it every few months? Arianna is mad at the stationary bike....guessing she does not realize that it is not supposed to move and what is with the constipated look? EJ asks her what is wrong and she explains that her wedding was ruined. You can tell EJ already does not want to listen.

Sami and Nicole are still wrestling and again there is no real winner/loser. That death choke with a bench deserves a special shout out though. Nevermind Rafe comes in and breaks it up..CLEAR LOSER! The best part is they trick him and then fight again. He just cannot keep the women off each other. Why don't they both turn on him and kick his ass in order to continue their fight? Clearly I have thought this out.

Melanie says it was not her fault....this flip flopping is making me dizzy. Carly says the whole thing was an accident. Why could she have not said that in the first place? Anyone with half a brain knows it was an accident....which means Chloe might not know. Speaking of Chloe she is still annoying Daniel and she finally realizes it. She makes it about HER and says she sucks at cheering him up. He calls her a HOT MESS!! SHOUT OUT! Shawn secretly loves me! Wait, I'm offended I got compared to Chloe! He says that is not it...yeah it could be the fact that he may never be a proper doctor anymore Chloe! Melanie comes in....poor Daniel. Chloe leaves to go get Daniel chocolate cake....who thinks Daniel will ever see that? NO WAY! Melanie apologizes to Daniel for having her as his daughter....really that is actually Daniel's fault for not wearing a condom. Use Protection people!

Arianna AGAIN tells the Santo Domingo my wedding did not happen story. EJ wonders what happened and of course it was NICOLE! Rafe and some other dude drag Sami and Nicole in the police station. They literally had to be carried and dragged..NICE! Roman comes in and ruins everything by speaking. Where is Bo, he would let them go at it?

Daniel tells Melanie that this was not her fault....yeah it was the Brady's fault!! Now it is her fault again, but he sort of convinces her it is not. Melanie explains how Carly took care of him when he was passed out. Carly comes in and says how great Melanie was...wow that was a flat out LIE..the girl fell apart! This is some fucked up family bonding right here. Melanie cannot take to much of it before she starts hyperventilating again. And she falls apart again with the crying.

Nathan and Stephanie plan their date. Adrienne comes in and Steph introduces her. After Nathan leaves Adrienne hits up Steph for all the gossip. Apparently we learn that Patch sends emails...with that one eye and everything! Stephanie admits that she is crazy for Nathan....or she is CRAZY for LIKING Nathan....one or the other.

EJ realizes that Arianna and Brady were eloping and Nicole ruined everything. He asks if Nicole revealed anything, and is at least pleased she is far away from Salem. Arianna has to inform him that NOPE she is not that far away. EJ looks like he might blink alot when he learns she is in Salem. Just an Educated Guess!!

Rafe looks at Sami's eye and hurts her more than helps her. Rafe thinks Sami is being a baby...okay punch bruises hurt...not that I'd know or anything. Sami brings up old times about how Rafe had a MAN COLD and acted like he was dying. Another cop interrupts and says Rafe can question Nicole. Break out the truth serum.

Did Adrienne really have to come back just to deal with Hope and Stephanie?? That poor woman! Stephanie tells her that Nathan likes someone else but that is over now...RIGHTTTTT. That Someone else named Melanie is on the phone with Daniel's doctor and then bumps into Nathan. Tears again! Dear Melanie..you are with Phillip. Get over Nathan before you become as boring as him and Stephanie. That is all. Thanks! Mess. xoxo

Carly apologizes and even Daniel is sick of hearing people apologize. Daniel is really tuning into the audience today. He then blames himself. This blaming game business better end after this episode. They talk about Melanie and her problems. Yeah she wouldn't have them if you two hadn't done the nasty! Carly and him are bonding, making me queasy in the process, and she grabs his hand. Chloe sees all of this and she looks like she is shitting a brick.

EJ is concerned that Nicole is back. He tells Arianna that Nicole is not to be trusted?! Did Arianna really need to learn that lesson?? The woman just told you she busted up her wedding...they are not going to be doing lunch anytime soon. EJ has to find Nicole..probably to question her about what she knows thus making Nicole more suspicious about EJ and her realizing he was in on it...Calling it now!

Roman apologizes for the whole Anna situation. Thankfully she changes the subject to her and Rafe and how getting her ass kicked might have brought them back together again. How she put that together is beyond me! Rafe is questioning Nicole and are actually reminiscing about their good old days or interrogation and lies. Rafe wants to know how long Nicole knew about Anna's involvement in the kidnapping. After their little back and forth Nicole says she will tell Rafe everything. Yeah right, and tomorrow Stefano will announce he is GAY! Hope will eat a hamburger! EJ will wash his hair! and then Rafe will wax those eyebrows!

Previews: Melanie asks Phillip if he is jealous. Asking that question alone gets you in trouble Mel! Now he is going to suspect that everytime you are with Nathan something is going on. Still wondering why she likes Nathan actually.

EJ tells some random guy that he cannot be found out. Stop hiring random creepy looking guys who will testify against you then! Why can't Stefano and EJ have good looking workers? Maybe if EJ would stop talking about what he did then no one would be able to figure it out!

Nicole tells Rafe she came back to get what is hers. What did she leave behind besides the wig and a martini glass? Another thing is where is she going to stay in town?? Unless Chloe let's her bunk with her and then it's prison for Nicole all over again.