Guiding Chloe....That Bitch!

The Prison Guard...who may have a name but, really who cares?...gets insulted by Nicole. She needs shampoo and a mirror, and oddly enough so does the rest of the Days cast on certain days. The guard does not think Nicole should be so sure of herself, since most people who escape prison get in trouble....usually! Nicole on the run would actually be a better story. Anna and Nicole can have hideouts and wild and fun adventures. Okay, they should just reenact the Lady Gaga "Telephone" video...with Anna as Beyonce OF COURSE!

Victor is annoyed that Anna has shown up. He accuses her of selling magazine subscriptions...that is rude thought, what if she had just been a Jehovah's witness? She is there to see Phillip.....the guy who killed her husband, yeah that makes sense! Anna would like some water....thinking that they both need a shot of Jack because this show is dragging on and it just started.



EJ and Sami are still bonding, and spending their family time together. Rapists are fun to have around on rainy days. Sami is looking for a job on the computer....Were all spots at the Pub taken?? It is a FAMILY business! EJ wants to give Sami financial support, so she does not need a job. Okay, Rapists who provide for their families always warms my cold hot mess of a heart. Someone knocks on their door...we've been waiting for....not YOU BRADY!



Arianna goes to visit he brother Luis, a cop. No wait, that was the other show again. Luis and Rafe are both cops...confusion sets in. Arianna is talking and Rafe and I are both ignoring her. She lets him know she is getting married, and shows that Cubic-Z on her finger. Rafe should go get his tuxedo now...a James Bond theme would be cool.



Carly and Vivian argue at the PIER. Wonder what the real estate in that area goes for there....interested in just watching Carly chill there everyday. Vivian is annoyed that Carly is not going to jail. Seriously, wouldn't you be mad if you plotted to kill someone, it went wrong, she shot her kid, and said she was going to jail, but then she didn't?Now Vivian has to start ALL OVER AGAIN, get some new weapons, think up new death plans, etc. What a waste!

Daniel and Chloe are at the cafe. Chloe accuses Daniel of thinking she is moody,weird, and irresponsible. See she also forgot: Self-absorbed, whiny brat, bitchy, bi-polar, underage, etc. Daniel says that is not true, probably because he cannot look past her boobs and ass.

Carly explains that everyone knows Vivian was trying to kill Melanie....yet NO ONE has gone after her who was not a cop...interesting priorities in this town. Let's lynch Carly and let Vivian rest easy. If something happens to Melanie, everyone will know its Vivian who did it. Then the whole town will throw Vivian a parade for killing Melanie. Vivian says she does not care what happens to herself....only because NOTHING ever happens to Vivian! She NEVER gets in real trouble. Vivian could kidnap Sydney and they would all say she was just babysitting for an obscene amount of time.

OMG Rafe even thinks the ring is a fake!! TOLD YOU! Although it's highly unlikely Brady can work an arcade game...definitely a Cracker Jack prize. Arianna says now everyone will be happy...famous last words on this show. Rafe is going to get shot, Sami is going to lose another kid, Arianna will be knocked up in prison, and Brady will date Nicole and suffer.

Brady is wondering if EJ lives with Sami now. Yes, the DUMB GUY thinks its stupid that EJ is actually staying there. Repeat...the DUMB GUY! Brady asks Sami if she is nuts. Sami is not nuts.....she cwwwaaazzzzyyyy! Sami explains he is staying for a bit, but Brady thinks EJ has to leave. EJ explains he is not going anywhere. Well, we all go SOMEWHERE EJ. Eventually you have to go to the bathroom, go to work, pick up the kids, etc. Bottom Line: EJ is now an even more annoying troll.



Daniel tries to explain psychiatry to Chloe. She looks a little confused. She does not understand the idea of laying on a person's couch and NOT having sex with them. Daniel just realizes that they have big problems. Has he not seen Chloe's big hair before? Stop dating twelve year olds Danny and start dating adults!

Anna says she is at the Mansion to talk to Phillip about a charity in Tony's name. Wasn't Charity a Passions character?? Just sayin.' Victor looks like he needs some Metamucil. The Governor shows up and recognizes Anna. My guess is he has gotten laid in quite a while. Victor looks ill.

Sami/Brady/EJ: Should NEVER have a scene together again please! Sami and Brady leave and EJ watches the kids. Does Samie EVER stay with her kids? Let's just pass them around town.



The Guard charges Nicole like 100 dollars a minute to use her phone...my God she has learned a great deal from Verizon. Nicole does not know what to say to HIM. Him? Interesting..Who will Nicole call? Will she phone a friend? Will she call a super sexy hotline? Or will she be ordering from the Lands End catalogue?



Daniel suggests that he and Chloe perhaps should go to therapy together.............It will just be like the time Daniel had to buy tickets for Chloe for the movie that was Rated R.



Lexie shows up to visit EJ with Theo. Little Theo gets thrown out of the room. That poor kid gets no air time. Lexie wants to know how the hell EJ was able to move in with Sami...really she just wants to move into the DiMera mansion since EJ has vacated the premises. Lexie needs a good storyline that does not involve EJ please!

Sami apologizes to Brady for being bat shit crazy! Nicole calls Brady's cell phone. Guessing it does not say Women's Prison on his caller id because he thinks it's a strange area code. Nicole stays quiet because well what do you really have to talk about with Brady of all people? Brady hangs up and Nicole is sad because she will never get him back. This is Salem!! You will get with him then break up with him about 8 more times girl!

Arianna gets Rafe to stop working on the case. They are celebrating her engagement. In walks Sami and Brady. ITS A PASSIONS REUNION!! OMG where the hell are Sheridan and Fancy, they need to get in on this shit! Someone also better let Miguel know his sister is getting married.

Carly decides to circle Vivian like a moron. She knows all about the "darkness" and "poison combs." Carly also knows what happens to Dracula when the sun goes down. Ten bucks Carly reads Twilight in her down time to relate to Melanie and the kids in town. She be the cool hip mom down with the Vampire lingo. Vivian shuts her the fuck up when she summons Gus from the corner. Carly tries to frown but that ain't happening. Maybe Gus will grab Carly and hang her off the PIER, it would do her hair wonders!

EJ says Sydney is sleeping and the kids are playing. Thank God he told me because I really gave a shit. Lexie wants EJ to admit his feelings. EJ is embarrassed by his fling with her....Fling?Rape?...words that can be easily exchanged on this show. Lexie is on to her brother, perhaps she has the gift Mama Celeste had.

Sami thinks it is great Rafe stopped working. Is she forgetting he is looking for the person her stole her baby? Why does she not love him for this? I'm so confused! Rafe will stop at nothing to catch the baby stealer. GO RAFE! GO GET 'EM!

Nicole then calls Anna, who can hold a better conversation than Brady. Anna tells her to shut up because she is working on it. Nicole makes a boob joke about Anna pulling out her big...guns! How come Nicole is all funny but all the other people make lame jokes aside from Victor? Nicole gets a visitor..again WHY does she have more friends than Carly?

The Governor Jim throws Victor out of the room. That was sooooo subtle. Anna says she came to see Jim, who is one horny bastard people. Jim has an open marriage, which is quite groundbreaking for a politician to have. Anna tells him she needs a favor. Meanwhile Nicole gets a visitor and it's Chloe.That is a long drive to have some girl talk. Chloe and Nicole hug..is there not a NO TOUCHING rule? WTF!

Speaking of Touchers....its Carly Manning! Carly pretends that she is shaking in her cheap ass boots from Walmart. Vivian loves that MANNING SPUNK?! Do they sell this in bottles? Know tons of people who could use Manning Spunk! Vivian just wanted to warn Carly that she can kill her whenever, so she sends Gus away and threatens her with the Sword Shit. Find it very irresponsible that Vivian keeps her sword midair..that is Dangerous! Daniel comes in and saves the day. Ten bucks says they smelled the tanner coming their way.


Anna tells Jim all about her friend Nicole. Jim knows what is up and says Nicole wants a get out of jail free card. Now I want to play Monopoly dammit. He realizes what she is doing and says he will help her when hell freezes over. Winter is over in Salem, but hell has frozen over on this show.

EJ insists that he is there for Sydney....Lexie insists that he is there for Sami. I INSIST that this bullshit of a scene end. Sami and Rafe talk about EJ. Sami says EJ is WONDERFUL for not focusing on the kidnapper. Well yeah that is cause he IS the kidnapper you moron. Sami is basically picking a fight with Rafe about how he works too much. The HAPPY and DELUSIONAL couple walks up and they all look at the ring....it's still fake.

Chloe tells Nicole that she thinks therapy is a terrible idea. She calls Carly "THAT BITCH"...even Nicole thinks Carly has nothing to do with it. Chloe is clearly JEALOUS of the Ass Powers that Carly Manning has. Chloe refers to herself as an unemployed opera singer....she left out town slut...that is her side job. Chloe does not want to end up like Hope. Do any of us? Who wants to be that thin and close to death, while at the same time acting like a martyr and occasional judgemental bitch?

Carly wonders if Daniel can make IT (Vivian or her hair?) shut up. Daniel tells Vivian he will stick her in the psych ward where she can weave baskets. The jokes on them...Vivian excels at finger painting. Carly is smiling all this time, which is strange because she very rarely does that. Vivian says Daniel should be dead too.....because he is the father of the bastard...who is a bastard himself...coincidence! Daniel wants an excuse to kill Vivian....dude! the HAIR!

Nicole says Chloe has to learn how to lie better. Chloe needs diagrams to understand how lying works. Does anyone have the home game version of Win, Lose, or Draw?

Vivian decides it is finally time to leave, since she got the tanning guy next to her, and the town pump to the right of her. Vivian touches or GROPES Carly's cheek and chin. Carly...THE TOUCHER...makes the greatest creeped out face EVER. Lousie Sorel went all Hannibal the Cannibal on Crystal Chappell's face! Daniel tries to reassure Carly that Melanie is safe. Luckily, Carly knows that Daniel is an idiot. Daniel is very concerned about Carly....which makes perfect sense because a DAY AGO HE HATED HER. Bi-Polar writing!! Carly keeps smiling at Daniel...if they date I will throw up everywhere.

Lexie thinks EJ should be honest with himself and admit his feelings for Sami. Going to be honest myself and say these two should NEVER be left alone in scenes together again! Just put all their scenes together so I can nap for 5 minutes.

The Passions cast plus Ali Sweeney are all talking about the wedding. Sami mentions that she almost has a job.....with the FBI?! Are they just hiring anyone? Have they seen her police record? Are they going to let her handle DNA samples too?

Vivian is pissed so she calls Victor. She tells them they need to talk about Carly Manning. Never heard of her...who that? Meanwhile, Anna begs Jim to release Nicole, and even he knows its a dumb idea because the DiMera's will kill him. Anna explains she is in trouble and starts fake crying....anyone notice that her fake crying looks like other people's real crying on the show?!

Nicole says Chloe has to work Daniel and Chloe says she has to constantly diss Carly. Nicole's work here is done. Chloe FINALLY passes Bitch 101.

Daniel admits that Carly is a part of his life now. Carly mentions how Melanie hates her, but Daniel cannot change that, only make Melanie aware her mom is there. So NOW Daniel likes Carly again. Cannot keep up with these people. Carly is just impressed that Daniel knows how to handle Vivian.....Vivian's weakness is clearly tanning lotion.

Sami talks about how great the FBI is...which is funny since she complains about Rafe working so much. She wants to write her own letter of recommendation...HOW PROFESSIONAL! Rafe gets bitched out by Sami when he goes home...imagine if he has to work with her too...poor Bastard.

EJ says he is not coming between Rafe and Sami.....he just sleeps between them on the same bed. Lexie goes to check on Sydney when Theo runs in...guessing she hates her kid too. Theo tells EJ he knows his secret. I love children because they can seriously fuck up your life! YES!

Nicole tells Chloe she might be getting out of jail sooner then she thinks. Anna is crying her eyes out in the fakest way possible to the Governor. Anna says she will do anything to get Nicole out of jail..ANYTHING. BOW CHICKA BOW WOW. They start kissing and EWWWWW don't look directly at them. EWWWW Hopefully Victor walks in on them sexing it up on his couch.

Vivian tells Victor that Carly is a free woman. Vivian is ready to start the plotting again. Victor is excited that he gets free coffee.

Carly asks if she and Daniel are friends again. Maybe on Facebook, but not in real life. Daniel says they have a mutual enemy.....Convinced it's Chloe not Vivian. Ewwww he likes her and they are going to get lovey dovey eventually. God helps us all!

Rafe tells Sami he thinks her idea is a bad one. Yeah, he ain't getting laid tonight. He realizes she will totally fuck up the evidence room.

EJ interrogates Theo as to what Johnny told him. Theo says he knows that Sydney was with him all along. EJ starts smiling like he crapped his pants. Drug the children EJ! Drug them and kidnap them for a few months...no one will notice.

Previews: Vivian and Bo chat. Listen, they have haircuts, this is exciting. Bo threatens Vivian, but it's Bo doing the threatening so it is kind of funny, with a hint of whimsy.

Sami tells Rafe they should take a break. Is this like a Rachel/Ross break, where Ross cheated and Rachel got all made..so Rafe will constantly scream that they were on a break? They should go on a break...a spring break in fact, so that Sami can pull her head out of her own ass.



Anna sits on the plane, with EJ sticking a gun into her ribs. Okay the cops suck in Salem, but Airport security too? Are there no metal detectors? Bomb sniffing dogs? Concerned over here.