Get Maggie....to General Hospital

EJ asks Sami to spend the night together. This is by far the DUMBEST plan ever. Why doesn't he just kidnap her to some DiMera island at this point. Rafe overhears and even HE thinks this is outrageous.

Mia, the little HO in training, calls Chad and tells him how AMAZING their kiss was and blah blah blah. Buy a copy of BOP and go away. Will shows up and plants a big old kiss on Mia. Does anyone else sense a chlamydia storyline coming up?

Arianna tells Brady that she will NOT marry him. She even has to explain what the word "NO" means to him because he is THAT slow.

Maggie has another dizzy spell, and falls over. Please get this woman to a hospital to have her MG checked out. And by hospital I mean GENERAL HOSPITAL where they actually WORK.

Melanie calls Steph out on her bullshit. Mel knows that she did not give Nathan the letter. Instead she gave Nathan some boring sex in the woods. I would have preferred actual skiing.

As EJ is asking for a sleepover, Rafe walks up and is a little bit confused about how EJ would ask if he could have the sex with Sami.

Nathan wonders why Maggie called him to meet up. As if the poor woman has not suffered enough, she has to sit through Nathan talking. He wants to talk about Melanie, and poor Maggie wants a fucking break.

Steph admits she did not give Nathan the letter. They go back and forth about who is the bigger slut between them, who had sex tapes, and did shit in motels/hotels/Holiday Inns. Steph tells Melanie she is a moron because she actually did her a favor.

EJ tells Rafe and Sami he wants to be with his kids tonight. He is so freaking bossy. Rafe calls EJ out on his delivery. When RAFE of ALL people has to tell you that you sound like a sex fiend, asking your ex-wife to sleep over, then clearly you are a SPECIAL PERSON. Bravo EJ.

Ari sounds like she might be choking, and Brady leaves the room of uncomfortable non love making. These two should just have sex and shut up. Gaby calls up her sister and tells her the Beer Tap is leaking. What Kind of Teenager DOES NOT call her friends over to grab some free BEER? Ari tells her that she turned down Brady's proposal. Ari needs some new friends/siblings because Gaby is not who you go to advice to. She can't even steal booze correctly.

Maggie notices that Nathan still has a THANG for Melanie. He confirms he is not over Melanie. Meanwhile, the bitchiness continues between Steph and Mel. Steph comments on how much Melanie must enjoy the two guys fighting over her. Seriously, is it really hard to bitch slap someone from a hospital bed? Can she not just use the buttons on the side to raise herself up to reach Steph's face?

Will tells Mia that baby Sydney is alive and she was the first person he wanted to tell. Mia looks SO honored by this. Luckily the audience is spared from hearing her dead baby story for the 9,786th time. Mia is treating Will like Jacob from Twilight. Soon Will will get hairier and Chad will become more pale. It's coming people!!!

EJ mentions again how Rafe failed at finding Sydney. Sami wants EJ to just drop it, but EJ does not think he can. I'm glad everything revolves around freaking EJ, Mr. Attention WHORE. Sami asks Rafe if it is okay that EJ sleeps over her house. THREESOME! You know Soaps have never done a threesome storyline.....they do happen in real life......just sayin'.

Brady tries to pretend that Ari did not turn him down. She is so sick of his talking that she does what she does best....she shuts him up with a kiss. God I hope these two never breed.

Maggie explains to the slow Nathan that Melanie is married, which means she is NOT available. He mentions how there is a letter and that might mean Melanie loves him. What if it's a chain letter Nathan?? Ever think of that? Then you have to send it to like 10 people you know and that in itself is difficult to decide.

Stephanie mentions the Melanie/Philip sexual healing that went down in the hotel way back when during their break. Stephanie says if she had any class she would have told Philip that she was interested in Nathan. Well if Stephanie had any class she would not offend the audience with that hairstyle. And can someone like step in and tell the two of them they are fighting over NATHAN?!!

EJ gives his statement to the FBI Agent. Rafe badgers him with questions that EJ cannot answer because he clearly has not thought out this dumb plan of his. Here is a great idea..why doesn't Rafe go get some "truth serum" that he gave Stefano and use it on EJ??

Brady stops kissing Ari.....for the first time like ever! She explains just because she doesn't want to marry him does NOT mean she is not interested in using him for her sexual pleasure. Brady wants answers. They need to stop talking and just hit the sheets again.

Steph comes up with the great plan of making copies of the letter and giving them to both guys. Mel calls her a bitch again. Hopefully this is a turning point in the "Stephanie is a bitch" campaign. She actually came up with a good plan and stood her ground. I'm so proud of her bitchiness. OWN IT!

Nathan explains that Melanie might have feelings for him. He thinks he should have stopped the wedding. Maggie gives him the "You are an ASS" look. Loving how even his grandmother is annoyed by his existence.

EJ tells Rafe the only important thing is that Sydney is home safe. Rafe thinks EJ should be worried the person might try this again, but EJ does not think that is possible. Why doesn't EJ just flat out say he took Sydney while he is at it?? His excuses are so lame and Rafe can tell he is lying. Doesn't EJ realize that when dumb Rafe can figure things out...it's time to RETHINK your plan?

Oh Look there is Abe...Oh Look Abe is gone! Wow that was quick. Why the hell is the Mayor questioning Sami? Sami apologizes for lying to Rafe again. He doesn't care about it because Syndey is safe....um yeah, like he ever cared before either. Rafe is a pushover, so he is perfect for Sami. EJ walks up with Sydney practically shoving Rafe out of the way. RUDE. Sydney and Sami are hugging. AWWWWWW It's a Kodak moment!

Maggie is shocked to learn that Nathan was going to stop the wedding and Chloe had to stop him. She did not realize that Chloe could not be self-involved. Maggie says that Nathan is a selfish little nerd boy...Not her words, but I sensed it.

Melanie thinks she can double cross Steph and just tell Nathan about the letter herself. Steph calls her out on her threat and says go ahead. Nathan chose her and he will understand why she did it. One more time: WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING OVER NATHAN??

EJ says he will be more cooperative...yeah like maybe he will smile when giving his crappy statement next time. He also lets Rafe know its going to be GREAT that they are having a sleepover at Sami's place. Fun Times! Think they will make s'mores? Sami is kinda horrified that they are all going to be at her place.....Rafe and EJ secretly like to play drunken Rock Band with one another. EJ talks to Lexie who is laughing her ass off at the fact they are all having a sleepover. Lexie also calls Bullshit on the fact that EJ says he does not have feelings for Sami.

Ari says she wants a marriage that will last forever....she has not been watching her Spanish soap operas has she? She is not mature enough for marriage yet. Who gave Ari common sense....this trait does NOT exist on Soap Operas. Brady says he is going to keep asking her....I'm guessing he is going to annoy her into saying YES eventually...and when she does Nicole will get released from jail! And here comes the sex again.....they are worse than rabbits!

Nathan says he likes Stephanie......well she did SLEEP with him. Maggie tells him to MOVE ON...I'd like him to MOVE OUT of Salem thank you. He gets a page and leaves. I think he plays Dungeon and Dragons and his nerd friends need him to make a move. Maggie just wants him to go away.

Melanie thinks Steph cannot spell "Rebound".....anyone notice that Steph did not try to spell "Rebound".....very interesting!! Stephanie tells Melanie that Nathan and her were secretly dating...such a secret that Nathan did not even know. They keep going back and forth, it's annoying and boring. What happened to the days when women would gouge each other's eyes out??

Rafe and Sami put the kids to bed. EJ shows up....with NO ICE CREAM....RUDE. Rafe decides that now would be a good time to examine the laptop. Is he serious? Of ALL the times to leave he chooses NOW? Rafe wins the dumb award of the day for leaving Sami alone with EJ.

Will gives Mia a St. Christopher's medal. Will needs to stop with the lame gifts. I'm guessing that Mia is not putting out.

Maggie calls for Mia, has another dizzy spell, and then passes out. I blame Nathan and his boring ass story.

Nathan is at the PIER....Carly is not there and I'm worried. He has Melanie Flashbacks. Can Days do a suicide storyline?? Seriously Nathan...JUMP! He runs to the hospital to go talk to Melanie. God I hope she has more drugs.

Stephanie suggests that Melanie stay away from Nathan because she will end up hurting Philip. Philip calls and Stephanie leaves so Melanie can talk to her husband. Well........Officially the most boring cat fight ever.

EJ is an evil troll and I resent the fact Sami calls him snarky. RUDE. He is glad that the old Sami is back in his life. Um, NO. See the old Sami would have slapped him, thrown him out, and done some form of self-sabotage where she ends up screwing everyone over.

Rafe is doing his job.......................................................................................I'm scared.

Will hopes the gift means that he and Mia are now exclusive. She says, OH, and he bear hugs her. Listen, buy the girl some diamonds and then you can talk exclusive. Mia looks terrified that Will is hugging her and she might throw up all over him.

Maggie wakes up, struggles, and gets herself in the chair. I was really hoping she would scream, "I've fallen and I can't get up"

Stephanie calls Nathan because she has to tell him something. Melanie talks to Philip and decides that Stephanie is right, and it would be wrong to hurt Philip. Nathan peers through the blinds of Melanie's room like the creepy little dwarfboy he is. Nathan gets the Stephanie call and agrees they have to talk. OMG here comes the "It's not you It's me" Speech.

The FBI agent brings in EJ's phone records. Who knew EJ called all those 1-800 numbers? Rafe thinks he is close to nailing someone....not Sami...the kidnapper. EJ walks in and finds Sami has fallen asleep with Sydney in her arms. He sits down and decides to watch them sleep. Not Creepy behavior at all!!

Previews: Nicole is BACK! She is in jail and trying to take down a bitch in the showers. Okay not really, but she is in her orange jumpsuit and NO WIG!! Excitement!

Melanie yells, or half screeches at Arianna. She probably learns that she said No to Brady. Unless she learns that Arianna is not Theresa from Passions.

Rafe thinks the kidnapping was an attempt to hurt Sami. Well hmm. Her child was kidnapped....she was told her baby died......They sent her ransom notes and videos....Where would he get the idea that this was about Sami??