Toucher of My Children

Vivian shows up at the Mansion with a bottle of booze. My kind of woman! Victor is wondering why she is celebrating. Victor gets SNARKY! He asks Vivian what is up with the hair(WRONG btw), the booze, and the touching of butlers inappropriately. He thinks Vivian has Carly in the trunk. The thought of Vivian owning a car and driving it made me laugh, let alone picturing her lifting Carly and her ass into the trunk. Vivian is ready to start the Greek style Toga Party to celebrate that Carly is going to burn in hell....or actually just go to jail.

Kate is on the phone with Stefano, talking about how EJ is a huge pain in the ass. She sees Philip inside and bolts straight for him. Kate is too obsessed with her kids. You can love your son Kate, just don't love your son. They start talking about Melanie, because she is clearly Kate's favorite person in the world. This lady hates 98% of the women her children date....even Billie's girlfriends. Kate wonders where Melanie is....hmmm where can she be?

Chloe meets up with Dan Dan the Tanning Man at the hospital. He tells her Melanie was released and went to help Carly. Chloe seems pissed at this news....which makes no sense because it's really none of the whore's business. Daniel says he asked her to go help Carly. By the look on Chloe's face.....Daniel is not getting laid tonight.

Carly approached Melanie, who wants none of the creepy doctor's hands on her. Only the men in Salem can touch her inappropriately. Um, Carly just called herself a TOUCHER?! WHAT?!! OMG who calls themselves that other than child molesters? Deeply disturbed by this conversation over here. Why doesn't she just tell her she stands outside her room with binoculars? Melanie helped Carly because it was the right thing to do, but she wants nothing to do with her. She'll want something to do with her when Chloe starts planning family night trips to the tanning salon, and opera trips.

Replay of Anna and Nicole's talk from the Jail visit heard round Cell Block 1. Nicole wants Anna to get her out of jail. Anna couldn't even leave Salem on a plane correctly, how the hell is she going to bust Nicole out of jail? And what the hell is EJ going to say when he finds out that Anna got Nicole out of jail....oh wait he deserves this nevermind.

Carly wants to be in Melanie's life. Well, okay let's see. Melanie is about 21, she might know how to tie her shoes, she has had her first period (I Hope), she has had plenty of sex and made sex tapes, she is married, sooooooooo yeah I don't see where Carly can be her Mommy. Unless Melanie needs help with her homework, but Dad can totally take care of that. Melanie wants Carly to stay out of her life, but Carly does not want to. Melanie is a brat.....Carly is a bigger brat....Being a brat is apparently hereditary.

Anna is stunned that Nicole wants her to get her out of jail. What else was she going to have you do Anna? Did she really think Nicole just wanted cash in prison, cigarettes, and a few boxes of chocolate? Side note: Seeing Anna and her prissy ways in jail with Nicole would be amazing.

Justin lets Phillip know about the Carly situation. Phillip looks annoyed, because everyone hates Carly, so Melanie is making them look uncool by helping her. Kate is happy Carly is free because she gets to personally tell Vivian herself. Anyone else think it's weird Kate likes Carly?....Methinks someone wants free Botox!!!

Vivian notices there will be a party at the Mansion. Victor is having the party for the Governor...Salem has a Governor? who knew? Vivian is excited because she gets to wear a new frock, do a little dance, make a little poison and get down with her bad self. However, Victor did not invite her. RUDE. Vivian is the best guest at parties because someone always dies, gets shot, gets poisoned, or drowns around her.

Chloe wants to know why Daniel would help Carly out. This whiny, bitch version of Chloe is no fun. Daniel thinks Chloe is upset because he has a daughter, and they don't have any kids. OUCH! Daniel would have been better off punching her in the Ovary. He is really happy she is seeing a shrink and that the secrets are over between them. The only Shrink Chloe has seen recently is from her hemline. Evil Chloe is just getting started. Hopefully once Nicole is out of jail, they can plot together and whisper loudly in corners.

Carly wants to know if Melanie told Phillip what she was doing. Melanie says she did not tell Phillip, which makes Carly worry. Carly is afraid that Melanie will get hurt because helping her will make ALL of Salem unhappy. Seriously, a simple "Thanks, honey for not turning me in" would have sufficed Carly. Melanie compares herself to Joan of Arc. Joan of Arc just threw up in her grave a little. Melanie reminds Carly she wants nothing to do with her because she gave her to a Psychopath. Technically, a Psychopath took Melanie from Carly, and then gave her to another Psychopath. DETAILS! Carly starts whining....she has been hanging with Mel too long! She wants to be part of Mel's life, but Mel says she only did this for her Dad. Maybe Daniel promised her a trip to the salon if she helped Carly out.

Anna is making prison jokes. Nicole explains she wants to get out of jail LEGALLY! Um, since when does Nicole follow the laws? Nicole wants Anna to use her influence to get her out of jail. The woman cannot even pack a suitcase, but she is going to get Nicole out of jail. That makes perfect sense.

There is so much spillage that Carly and Melanie are even disgusted by themselves. Melanie says Daniel wanted to be part of her life. Imagine if Daniel raised Melanie....she would have frosted hair, a tan, and like to touch everyone. Metrosexual Daddy would have gone over so well. Carly is happy that Melanie and Daniel are bonding. Melanie does not want to here it....but of course Carly keeps GOING!!! Someone shut her up...no wonder Bo kisses her, she runs the mouth. Melanie is tried of hearing Carly wanted to make shit up to her. Carly should take Melanie to Disney World, that always works and Melanie looks like a Daisy Duck kind of girl. Phillip ends the sob fest and gives Carly a dirty look...that will show her!

Vivian is annoyed she was not invited. Victor says that maybe if she was not so nosy and did not have a penchant for killing people, she would have been invited. Damn guess I'm off the guest list as well. Victor is annoyed Melanie and Phillip will not live there because Vivian is there. Guessing Vivian is missing all the snarky comments, because she is looking for something to wear. Would LOVE to see what the hell Vivian has in her closet!

Nicole says the Governor is in town. Nicole can read? Apparently, Anna and the Gov had some sort of THANG in the past. Nicole wants Anna to get her a pardon from him. Anna does not know how since Jim the Governor is married. Nicole basically tells Anna to screw the Governor so Anna don't get screwed in prison. Anna has not had sex since Tony died....wow that sucks! Wondering if the Governor is partially blind, because Anna looking a little winded these days.

Carly walks past Phil and Mel as she is leaving. At this point, Carly might as well wear a burlap sack around town screaming she is a hot mess. That way she at least gives everyone a reason to hate her. Melanie just threw her patented hissy fit, I personally just got violently ill for her. Philip tries to comfort Melanie and wonders why she did what she did. Nothing Melanie does makes sense, like marrying Phillip when she "loves" Nathan. They talk, it is gushy, and full of blarg!, but basically Phillip will not let anyone hurt Melanie......except him, he is totally allowed to hurt her.

Vivian is at the Java Cafe.....Don't know why, that place is totally beneath her. They have their usual spat. Viv is way too happy for Kate and her face to bring her down. Kate breaks the news that Carly is free. Viv looks like she just pissed herself a little.

Daniel and Chloe are being gushy too. These two actually DO make me ill. Okay, maybe Daniel will get laid tonight, because Chloe is that easy. Carly shows up at the hospital...OMG is she actually going to work?!! No way!! Chloe wants to talk to her, but Carly is too busy. Chloe says that they have things they need to "straighten" out. You are expecting a lesbian joke but I will surprise you all and save them all for Nicole! Side note: Carly did the EYEBROW. Thank you Chappell!

Anna refuses to help Nicole because she has nothing that ties her to the kidnapping. Nicole says she will call EJ. Anna is starting to pee herself just like Vivian now.

Phillip takes Melanie to a door with her eyes closed. It's Maggie's house. Um, Phillip is a cheap romantic bastard. How many freaking rooms does Maggie have in that house?? Phil thinks Mel will be happy there, and that is all he wants. Yeah I still think he is being cheap. He carries her over the threshold and they make out. Awwwwww. Maggie is probably video taping them.

Chloe lectures Carly about what she has done to Melanie and Daniel. Carly says she is trying to get her job back....this should make lunch hour so much fun!! Daniel ends their fight just when it could have gotten good. Jerk! Chloe is all pissy, and Daniel comments how he actually is a JERK. Totally called that one. Carly thanks him for getting Melanie to help her...he did it for Melanie not for Carly. Carly should just get a vial of the Plague and spread it around town.

Anna says that EJ would hang up on Nicole...she actually knows this from experience. We have seen EJ hang up on Anna about 78 times. If not EJ, then Nicole can talk to Stefano who HATES Anna. Anna is screwed people. Nicole gives her 24 hours to get her a pardon. 24...24...that is 24 hours....24. Nicole just product placed a show that is not even on this network!

Phil and Mel talk about how they can take care of Maggie....OMG that is totally what I do when I just get married...I talk about helping all my old friends who are gravely ill! Really they are there to help her, but also to help her lie to the whole town about her disease. Maggie walks in on them making out, and she realizes she will have to knock on the door in her own home. Glad this whole plan is working out so well. Maggie asks why they are there..Mel explains they are family and Maggie loved her at her most obnoxious. Yeah Maggie must be sick to put up with Mel.

Carly explains how Daniel is the only way she can be connected to Melanie, because she wants nothing to do with her. Daniel can help her and lie to everyone in his life! Daniel passes on this FABULOUS idea that Carly just came up with because she is a freaking genius. Daniel says he will not help Carly...I'd help her pack her bags to leave town...that is about it.

Vivian learns from Kate that it was Melanie who helped free Carly. Apparently Kate needs her nails for emergencies? Was this supposed to be a cat fight joke? FAIL! Vivian went from peeing herself to officially crapping in her Depends.

Anna makes a phone call to find the Governor. Too bad she is not calling for a pizza, because that would be more interesting.

Chloe and Phillip chat at the Java Cafe. Is the Java Cafe the new PIER? Does Carly know this..or has she scared everyone off the PIER? Chloe tells Phillip about her Daniel problems. You should all always tell your soon to be son-in-law about how horrible your love life is going. Daniel walks in with some pretty flowers. Hopefully he hits Chloe over the head with them.

Maggie has her good days and her bad days. Melanie has her good days and her bad days. Occasionally they both have good and bad days on the same day. Wonder if the writers have their Bad and ever more bad days...because today is that day! Melanie explains that Maggie is her real mom.....well, no that is not physically possible.

Kate meets Carly....at the......can u guys guess...bet u can't...well it begins with "P" and ends with a body part used to hear....it's the PIER!!!! I'm offended that Carly's only friend is the lady who Cougared her SON!! EWW. Daniel hates Carly and Kate, and so does Vivian..OMG they are bonding people. Someone make them stop before they start sharing their Botox needles. Kate warns Carly to watch her back because Vivian will come after her.....I think they both need to watch their faces.

Nicole starts banging her pen on her cell. Is that not a potential weapon? What kind of jail is this dammit? She asks the guard for the time because she will be getting out of jail soon. How did she not end up in a mental hospital?

Anna shows up at the Mansion and she is talking to herself. She asks God for help...hahaha there is NO GOD in Salem..FOOLS! Victor calls Anna.."Little Orphan Annie DiMera" and then compares her to trash. Anna looked so offended...and she even looked over at the trash to see if she looked like it. Please keep Anna on the show!!

Daniel overhears that Chloe is a liar. He lost a little color to his tan and everything..that is how disappointed he is. Phillip lets him know that he and Mel are staying with Maggie. Then Daniel walks up to Chloe and calls her out on her bullshit. Bitch got caught!

Maggie explains that Melanie has a mother...Bless you Maggie! Melanie refuses to let Carly be a part of her life. She wants her to fall of the face of the Earth. Luckily for Mel, this has actually happened in Salem before and the fall off point is right near the PIER.

Carly talks to Bo on the phone and explains that Melanie still hates her. "Tomorrow is Another Day".....WTF? Is this Gone with the Days of Our Lives?? Is she going to waltz out in some curtains next? Actually knowing the wardrobe department...Carly would. Vivian shows up and is really pissed that Carly did not follow through on the plan. Vivian is actually really upset Carly did not Follow her on Twitter. The Truth will come out eventually.

Previews: Brady asks Sami if she is nuts! Well, okay Brady had a point but he is in NO position to be judging Samantha and her nutshood. Brady is just jealous that Sami has nuts and he does not.

Daniel tells Chloe he thinks they have a problem. Really? Is it the age difference where he could be her dad? Is it the obvious co-dependant issues that they both enjoy tanning a bit too much? Is it the fact that they BOTH wear too much makeup? See, I do not see any problems...what could Daniel be referring to?

Vivian tells Carly "The Sword of Vivian hangs over thy head." Okay what a LAME name. Seriously, my sword is named Spartacus and my other sword is named Bruce. BTW if someone told me their sword was over my head, first I'd obviously look up because its Salem and shit would fall from the sky, then secondly I'd cut a bitch for the lame threat. Man Up Manning!