Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Old and the Hot Messes

Bo pays his dad a visit. Nothing like Kiriakis bonding to kick off an episode. Bo wants to talk Vivian and Carly with Victor. Why not torture him and throw Kate into the mix? Victor said the feud will not be over until either Carly or Vivian is dead. Well, yeah but both have beaten death so what the hell are we supposed to do waiting for one of these bitches to keel over? Speaking of the little bitches...they meet up at the Java Cafe. Well with Carly's coffee track record and Vivian's penchant for poisoning..this should go well.

Nathan and Melanie are still talking about that damn Letter. Can they just pretend the letter thing never happened because it's irritating the shit out of me and many viewers? Okay he wants to know what was in the thing and Mel says she will tell him the truth. No he really wants you to lie to him. Go and lie to the nerd boy because if you tell him it says you loved him he will never go away. Where is a town serial killer when you need one? DEIDRE?!!

Sami looks at a picture of Rafe. Would have been funny if the kids drew it and it had big old eyebrows. EJ takes it from her and tells her that she is not alone. Well yeah you won't go away!! And the lady is surrounded by children at all times...she is NEVER ALONE. EJ needs to have an affair with someone else for a bit because this Sami obsession is getting really unattractive.

Nicole is already on a plane. Dammit how does she move so quickly and can she pass along her secret to the people of Salem? How the hell did she get a passport so quickly?? How come when someone needs a gun its never around, but the villains always have access to shit? She fantasizes about Brady...ewww apparently she also got into someone's bad marijuana stash. Nicole cannot wait to surprise Brady in Santo Where ever the Fuck because it doesn't exist.

Just when things could not get grosser...here are Brady and Arianna. Why don't they just have them constantly having sex..oh wait they do that now. They are in bathing suits chasing each other....at least they are attractive. In a few hours Arianna will be Mrs. Brady Black....Arianna Black...that sounds HORRIBLE.

Anna is on her plane and celebrating that she is free. I'd celebrate after the plane landed thank you. Rafe visits her boytoy the Governor and asks why the hell he would release Nicole DiMera. The Governor said that the "people" wanted it.....to be fair to the Governor the people of Salem are really stupid and would probably vote to release Nicole and send Carly to jail instead. The Governor says that Nicole has suffered enough. Rafe wants to know why he is lying....Dude he is a POLITICIAN...they lie! Can we send Rafe a care package with flash cards and Dummy guides?

The Plane's Captain says the plane is experiencing mechanical problems. Okay this is the SECOND time Anna has been on a bad plane...bitch take a boat! Why are all the planes in Salem pieces of crap...OMG are they flying US Airways?

Melanie says she wanted to say goodbye to Nathan and sorry for all the problems she caused him. Just lie and tell him you wanted him to get lost. This is a soap opera...LIE BETTER! Crap Nathan can tell she is lying. Little confused....Melanie hates Carly because she lied to her for years and ruined her life...yet, she likes Nathan............who is boring..........a bad kisser.......and boring.......and a moron......That makes sense.

Vivian and Carly do their usual thing where they take shots at one another. Carly doesn't care that Vivian is going to kill her....that's the spirit!! This is getting old really fast...can we have like a grudge match or like an arm wrestling thing?! These two need a good shoving thing or bitch slap fest. Vivian is on in years but I think she can take Carly...especially in a fashion contest. YEESH.

Bo wants Vivian to cut the shit! Victor is being a doofus and can't do anything about it. Little confused as to how or why Victor cannot kill Vivian. Bo says that he will kill Vivian himself. Bo can't even make dinner or solve a case, yet he is going to try and kill Vivian? The bearded dude wouldn't even pay his kids ransom, but he'll get away with killing Vivian! Yeah, too bad this is not a dream sequence.

EJ bad mouths Rafe because that is the coolest thing to do aside from yelling at Manning! Sami appreciates EJ...don't ask me why...what the hell just happened? Sami needs to wake up and smell the asshole. EJ should fool around with another woman and Sami can be an evil bitch again and break them up. If she is going to be with EJ at least make it interesting.

The Governor is not happy with Rafe, and Rafe is not happy with the Governor. We do not have a love connection. Rafe is going to give Jim one more chance to tell him why he let Nicole go....Or else what?? Rafe is just an FBI guy what the hell is he going to do? Wait, maybe just talking to the Governor will weaken him...Rafe can bore a confession out of anyone.

Brady calls a justice of the peace and everything is falling into place for the wedding. He and Arianna are giddy and the rest of us have lactose intolerance from all that CHEESE! Meanwhile Nicole....who better break up this wedding...is still dreaming on the plane. She tells Brady she has learned her lesson and asks for another chance. All he does is touch her cheek. Man she can't even catch a break and it is her dream! Nicole says it won't happen that fast but Brady will love her again. WOW! Nicole actually made a comment about HOW SLOW SHIT GOES on this show!

EJ is annoying me and I do not want to comment on him anymore. Basically he treasures his time with the kids and Sami. If they treasure time with the kids so much then why do they always stuff them in another room?

Jim basically comments on how Rafe can not look into a pardon. Rafe wouldn't even know how to get to that file he is so dumb. Rafe is angry and leaves. Rafe is mad. Rafe is sad. Rafe do not like Jim Man's words. Rafe will do something. Rafe want to hurt somebody. Yes, everyone Rafe is a caveman.

Victor does not think that Bo has inherited his "getting away with murder" skills. Bo says he will kill Vivian and then admit to her murder. That is just the greatest plan ever. Victor says Bo will go to jail!! Okay the Captain Obvious award today....yes Victor. Bo tells Victor that Vivian has to end everything. That is seriously no fun! Victor says, "You'd give up your life for a cheap slut?" I must have missed something what does Mia have to do with any of this??? No wait he means Carly sorry! How is Carly a slut by the way? She slept with Bo, Daniel, and Lawrence..that is three people. Has he met Sami Brady? Bo will do anything to protect Carly and not throw away people he loves. *WHISPERS* Bo just said he loved Carly again...Now if only he could say it to the FACE! Victor says this would kill his mother....this just reminded Bo that Caroline is still alive.

Carly asks Vivian if she is finished. Well that is a dumb question because then she has to answer it and that would mean she is not finished. Vivian notices Carly's hands are shaking...just like when she performs surgery. Maybe Carly shouldn't be drinking coffee if her hands are shaking that much. Vivian gets a call from Victor and calls him her "Sunshine"?? WTF! Vivian does something every episode that just adds to a diagnosis of Bat Shit Crazy. Victor tells her to get her ass over to his place and Vivian says Toodles to Carly. Once again: the Vivian and Victor show. Make it happen NBC!

Melanie needed that dirty word: closure. I'm convinced most people do not know the definition of that word when they use it. Melanie explains she wished things worked out between them but she blew it. She made her decision and Phillip wins because he is just so dreamy! She wrote the letter because she just wants to be friends with Nathan. She should have told him it was a chain letter and now he is going to have 10 years bad luck. Nathan cannot be friends with Melanie...and he gets pissy like a total girl!

Sami and EJ are still making me ill. Only interesting thing is Rafe comes in and says that Nicole is a free woman. Meanwhile Nicole decides to call Brady before someone lets him know she has been pardoned. Brady's phone rings and Nicole pees a little.....she totally did!

Stephanie sees Carly at the cafe and asks if she is okay. What??? A new friend, and it's her daughter's new enemy?? Just perfect!! Stephanie should ACTUALLY be Carly's daughter. It would make more sense and they look more alike. Stephanie says she heard their whole story, and Carly adds that Melanie hates her. Stephanie knows how she feels because Melanie hates her too. Wow Melanie hates many people...she is turning into Victor.

Nicole hangs up and continued peeing herself. So confused how going to see Brady is so exciting. Brady looks at his phone and then gawks at Arianna...eww. Arianna wonders how Melanie will react to the news. Brady leaves and tells Arianna to call Melanie. She does and Melanie starts whining...Dammit totally thought we were in the clear for the day and then she just whips out the whine. Love how Arianna calls with news and Melanie makes it about herself.

Sami and EJ: It is like the turning Red and overly blinking show! They cannot believe Nicole was pardoned. Rafe says that no one knows where Nicole is right now. GEE WOW! You would think that maybe Rafe would have a cop on her tail or something to make sure she stayed away from Sydney. EJ is going to pay the Governor a visit and Sami is wondering who Nicole knows that can get her a pardon. Half the town has received a pardon from jail...it really is not that hard!

The Pilot announces that the plane is fixed. Anyone else want Anna to stay??!! She is totally too cool a character to just leave. Stay Anna Stay!!

Bo meets up with Carly....where else? THE PIER!!! Can they get a new boat together and call it the Fancier Face??! Bo says its all done, but Carly says um NO Vivian just threatened her. Bo will stop that Vivian....because he has done such a great job of that in the past...Buried Alive story Bo...BURIED ALIVE...where were u??

Vivian shows up at the mansion and Victor tells her that her plans to kill Carly are over. He tells her that she is not to touch a hair on Carly's hair..which begs the question can Vivian touch other parts that belong to Carly? Arms? Boobs? Legs? Ass? Vivian starts talking about her "Raison d'etre" which is French for Get me off this show! Victor says he realizes that this seems impossible but he will offer himself to her. Did anyone else just laugh?? Victor just indecent proposalled himself to Vivian so she does not kill Carly.

Stephanie sees Nathan at the hospital. UGH! Nathan tells her that the letter was not important. Stephanie wants to know EXACTLY what she told him. That is not at all nosey or suspicious of her to ask.

Arianna wants to know what Melanie's problem is. Melanie decides to be a normal human being and change the subject. Arianna tells her that her and Brady are eloping. Melanie freaks out with glee but still manages to ask why she is not a bridesmaid. SHE PULLED THE SELFISH MOVE AGAIN! When they get back Melanie is throwing them a party....hopefully it will be more exciting than her wedding although how can you top a shooting party? Brady overhears Melanie dissing him and then the conversation is thankfully over. Melanie starts with the crying dammit. She calls Phillip to tell him she loves him.....the way you would tell your dog you love them.

Rafe calls Roman...boy that was a bad move! Rafe wants to try to figure out what the hell is going on. He goes to leave and Sami tells him she does not want them to be apart. BiPolar Sami is back....oh how we've missed her from the other day. NOW she loves Rafe again, when EJ is not around.

Brady and Ari are still being gross. This may be a record for even them. Why are they even wearing clothing at this point??!! He is actually suggesting they get married in their underwear. They have no regrets and the justice of the peace arrives to marry them. Let's just all hope that no matter what happens...they are using protection so they do not breed.

Nathan apologizes to Stephanie for being the douche bag that he is, and throws Melanie under the bus. It is ALL Melanie's fault. Stephanie continues the Melanie bashing and blames their break up on her too. Nathan suggests that things do not have to be over for them. Oh Really?! Someone wants some more pity sex and Stephanie better not fall for this shit.

Victor better get a hug from Bo for this because he has offered to marry Vivian to keep her from killing Carly. Vivian is sooooo happy, but she is not sure she wants to give up her revenge for Victor. She needs time to think about this.....guessing she has forgotten she is kind of old and does not have much time.

Bo tells Carly what he did and she begs him not to actually go through with his Vivian plan. Luckily Bo never follows through on anything so Carly really has nothing to worry about. Bo says the law sucks and he will protect her. He tells Carly he LOVES HER...OMG about time!!..and that he wont let anyone take her from him. Never ever ever in the history of never evers. Awwwwww. The Princess and the Sailor are going strong...until he decides to go back to Freaky Face.

Rafe does not want to leave Sami but he does not really see how they can be together. See Rafe, when you stay in the same place as another person...that is staying together. Hope that helped. He leaves her there, and Sami is upset, and Rafe is upset, and we are all upset because this was a waste of a minute.

The Governor gets a visit from EJ who screams How bloody dare you, you Wanker!! Not really but he should have!

Nathan thinks he and Stephanie can actually work....wow that is not what you said about an hour ago. Stephanie realizes she is his second choice but Nathan is like NOOO WAYY.....she is actually the only choice if you think about it. Melanie sees a ghost of Nathan and says goodbye to it. Really wish I would have been joking there but sadly this show just did that.

Bo and Carly are about to have sex on the PIER, seriously there is dry humping. That should totally be the name of a drink: Sex on the Pier! Bo puts a stop to it which is very rare of him to do...what the hell. He feels the need to talk and tell Carly that he will be there for her. WE KNOW. GO have sex dammit! Vivian is watching them of course and ewww can the voyeurism stop for once on this show?

The Justice of the peace does not have the license and he goes to get it. He bumps into Nicole who is looking for Brady. The Justice assumes she is the Bride. Well now that was not awkward at all. At least it did not take Nicole that long to learn Brady is getting married. Again Nicole exists in a special time warp on this show. Anna is still sitting on her plane wishing she was in Nicole's special speedy world.

Rafe goes to see Victor to ask about the Governor. He asks if the visit had anything to do with Nicole...yeah because Nicole is Victor's favorite person in the world. Jim thought EJ was behind the pardon and reveals that a family member is behind it all. Okay the scenes are interchanging between these 4 idiots. Victor realizes WTF has happened. EJ thinks it was Stefano, but Jim reveals it was his sister in law. And for the brain dead audience members because we apparently need it spelled out for us...Victor blurts out: Anna DiMera. What a bunch of schmucks!

Previews: Sami asks Abe why he would do it, referring to the Governor. Since when does Abe know anything?? She just went to Abe for absolutely no reason. Actually she might have went to him because his voice is so suave and soft spoken and he delivers bad news in such a Morgan Freeman way.

EJ threatens the Governor. This is not surprising. Just the other day EJ threatened Theo and the guy at the Ice Cream shop for not giving him a double cone. For an Italian Mafia ringleader, EJ's British accent offends Mob Bosses everywhere.

Nicole tells Brady that everything has changed. Notice that he is staring at the fact that the wig is off!! Big Change!! Change is good...especially with regard to poor hair and fashion blunders!!

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