Prison Passions

Daniel and Carly decide to chill with Abe and Bo. Too bad Carly has never had sex with Abe, otherwise this could qualify as possible Porn potential. Carly decides now would be a good time to tell her "Sword of Vivian" story. Bad form Carly! Way to bring down the room. Plus, no one likes you so way to disappoint everyone with the lack of sword cutting off your head ending.

Nicole is doing her nails. Seriously? Um, can I go to Salem Prison please, because Nicole gets more shit in prison than I do in a year. She gets Mani/Pedi times, Phone calls, Booze, Visitors at all hours, she got about 5 bitches...OMG why go back to Salem? The guard tells her to stop, and Nicole is celebrating the fact she is leaving soon. Yeah, I'd really want to leave that HUGE cell and prison to go back to a town where I get bitch slapped everyday.

Oh look I must have flipped to National Geographic because there appear to be two huge animals attacking each other...no wait...its Anna and the Governor...eww sorry. The Gov. stops everything and tells Anna that she is asking too much. Anna talks about how great Nicole is. Okay, Anna should do Carly's PR in town, because she just made Nicole sound like a saint. Seriously, let's make Nicole the town babysitter. Jim says that the town won't buy it, and the chance of Nicole getting sympathy is the same as the Bears winning the Superbowl! It would have hurt less if they just insulted all people from Chicago. WTF? So the Governor decides it is time to leave.....Calling Shenanigans!! A real politician would have slept with Anna THEN said NO.

The whole cast of Passions are at the Pub and then decided to still include Ali Sweeney. That is just sweet. Luis will only write Sheridan a letter of recommendation, not this Sami chick who keeps bugging him. Sami is annoyed with RAFE..like that is his real name...so she pulls her patented Sami storming out act where she just shakes her head a bit, throws the hissy fit, and makes the other person sound like a bastard. Rafe runs after her, really because of this new health regimen he is on, not because he loves her or anything.

Ej questions Theo....why not dangle him upside down from a balcony?! Apparently Johnny takes after his mom and has a big mouth, telling the kids that Sydney was safe and was with EJ. EJ just called his son a little lying snot nose little brat...okay not really, but you can tell that was what he was getting at. Theo tells EJ: "Lexie walks in and asks why Theo would say that. For some reason all the kids in Salem are smarter than all the grown ups....except that Ciara....she scary.

Gus and Vivian meet up at the Java Cafe, where Vivian reveals she has a plan. Perhaps she is bringing health care to Salem, because Lexie, Daniel, Nathan, and Carly are shitty doctors. Bo is upset about Vivian being a free woman after all that she has done. Well MAYBE if the Salem PD did their job...Vivian would be doing 10-20 with Nicole. Daniel wants Carly protected and Bo agrees that they cannot live like this anymore. When did Carly become so popular....oh wait these are the two men she slept with...nevermind. Thinking I know how Carly can win the town over....sleep with EVERYONE!

Sami worries about income to support herself. Next time use some birth control and that would not be a problem. Rafe tells her he is there for her, she has him, isn't that enough? Rafe must be on his period because he is officially a woman.

EJ tells Theo he is a moron in the nicest way possible. Lexie kicks her kid out of the room and tells EJ that Theo is smarter than EJ, Lexie, and Abe combined....although that is not really that hard. Lexie thinks that maybe Theo knows something and can help catch the kidnappers. Please, just CALL YOUR MOTHER....the Psychic can help!!

Oh God its Will! It's a teen day! This is why people should not breed. He shows the little slut named Mia the necklace she lost when she was humping Chad on the park bench. Will explains that Gaby found the necklace, who got it from Chad, who got it from Mia. Couldn't he have just cut short the story and called her a slut?

The guard is wondering why Nicole is getting all girly with the mani/pedi and the facial. Okay, is this prison really a spa and they are just messing with us? Nicole questions the guard's brain power and then flashbacks to fun Brady times....anyone else see the irony of Nicole calling someone out for being dumb and then we see Brady??

Sami tells Rafe that he means alot to her but she needs to work. Um, who is going to watch the kids? Please do not say Caroline because that woman raised her kids and doesn't need to chase around 3 little munchkins under the age of 7. Sami has to take care of herself....glad she was thinking of her kids there...way to be the selfish Sami of the past. Arianna announces that she and Brady are going to leave....Sami and Rafe are such a drag that they want to leave. Sami even calls herself out for being rude so they FINALLY break out the booze and toast to the couple's impending divorce or marriage that will never take place because of that pesky does anyone object question.

EJ throws Stefano under the bus and asks if Lexie thinks he did it. If Stefano kidnapped Sydney she would have come back brainwashed and talking Italian.

Anna calls herself a bimbo....offending bimbos across the world at the comparison. The Governor says Anna is fun times....guessing he has not spent more than ten minutes with her. He leaves and Anna says she has to pull out the big guns....shouldn't she have whipped her bad boys out while attempting the sex? Unless Anna really has like big guns stashed somewhere and all these boob jokes were all in our minds.

Bo wonders how Carly became Daniel's problem....yes, she is only Bo's problem. Carly's nickname is now "Problem" people. Daniel says it is his problem because Melanie almost got killed because Bo wasn't doing his job. Actually, Melanie almost died because Melanie is stupid and jumps in front of guns. Also, Carly cannot shoot for shit. Vivian actually just stood there and everyone literally got stupid around her. Bo calls Vivian and tells her to come to the station. She protests, but Bo wins the argument....or actually Vivian just got tired listening to his shit.

Mia says she lost her ugly necklace. Will can tell she is lying because his mom was also a huge slut and liar, so he knows huge sluts and liars. Chloe was also his stepmom for a while, as was Nicole. Whores all around! He calls her out on playing both him and Chad. Will's anger indicates that he has not gotten laid in a while. He slams the ugly necklace and leaves. Taylor Swift just got dissed! Mia should go write a song about being a 15 year old slut.

Sami asks Arianna if she plans on working after marriage, and then follows by asking if that question is sexist. It was actually totally racist! Arianna is going to go to college to get her Master's Degree. Shit, so they are just handing those out now? Sami says she would love to go back to school too. I don't even remember Sami graduating high school. Good luck with that! She can take classes with Will and the gang! Arianna and Brady have a smart moment and decide to leave. Rafe lectures Sami for starting shit again and says he and her have never worked together before. UH OH! WHOA. bad move. Rafe asks if Sami has clerical experience. Guessing she has not told him about the DNA swapping she has done, the sabotage, the lies, the loud whispering in the corner....OMG Sami is PERFECT for the FBI.

Anna goes to see EJ, and tells him that Nicole found out everything. EJ says he gave her 5 million to shut up, and then calls his secret lover Marco to kill Anna. Anna gets shot and wakes up from her dream. In my dream EJ and I would have made out a little, and then he would have shot me.

Nicole is now friends with her prison guard. OMG they are having girl talk! Seriously Days? Seriously?! Why not have this Lois woman braid her hair? Nicole starts talking about Brady...that alone would make me not want to be her friend. The guard says maybe it's not too late. Um, SHE IS IN PRISON!!! Do not support her delusions.

Vivian notices all the folks in the Police Station.....not working! Clearly, the station is a better hangout than the Java Cafe. Vivian tells Carly that sleeping with the commissioner has its advantages......yeah like beard burn and free beer at the pub. Abe is kind of pissed he is not the commissioner any more. Bo kicks Daniel and Carly out...not because they created Melanie, but because he might actually do his job.

Anna gets on the plane, and EJ sticks the gun in her ribs. He says Nicole has spilled the beans. Another LAME dream. She realizes she cannot hide from the DiMeras and there is only one thing to do. If it is only ONE thing I hope she goes out with a bang and restyles everyone's hair and makeup in the town.

Rafe and Sami are still bickering. He FINALLY points out what I have been saying for DAYS now that she will NOT pass a Background Check. Sami does not understand this concept...she has been hanging with Brady too much. He mentions all her past crap. She insists it is because Rafe does not trust her. So she is completely IGNORING the fact that she CAN NEVER WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!! She tells Rafe they need a break. Rafe agrees and its the SMARTEST THING HE HAS EVER DONE!!! Apparently everyone is OKAY with it because they repeat the word OKAY like 3 times. He leaves her there......hopefully she had to pick up the bill.

Anna calls Nicole and tells her she could not get the Pardon. At least she did not waste time and go there to tell her in person.

Daniel starts dissing Bo because he has not sent Vivian to jail, and because well he is Bo. Carly starts defending her man, and wait a minute, if we are going to ridicule and hate anyone in this town dammit..IT IS CARLY MANNING. Daniel hates that Bo knew Melanie was his daughter. Again, CARLY's fault. She tells him he can leave and Daniel leaves. Like how she be bossing him around like they best friends...and he listened to her! The consistency of the writing on this show is staggering. Bo and Vivian banter and it sucks!

Brady and Arianna ditched Sami and Rafe to go to the Java Cafe. He does not know why they suck as a couple but it should not effect them sucking as a couple. Ari sees Gaby and goes to tell her the good news. Gaby tells her sister that "Guys suck." If this is lesbian foreshadowing just kill off the girl now please.

Sami goes home and finds EJ playing with Sydney. Sami lets him know that Rafe will not be coming home. Meanwhile, Rafe is punching a bag. Will walks in and asks what his mom did wrong. That scene was going so well until Will walked in with his pre-puberty look. DAMN RAFE IS FINE.

Anna realizes she can do something else to help Nicole. Nicole says Anna has 12 hours now to deliver. Why is there a time limit btw...Nicole is in jail for 20 years, she should be thankful whenever she gets out. Nicole throws her nail polish against the wall. Hope it was not OPI..that shit is expensive but fabulous for its long lasting appeal.

Gaby tells Arianna that Chad dumped her for Mia the town slut. Mia is just not a nice person, so Gaby does not understand why Chad likes her. SEX YOU MORON!

EJ "feels bad" about Sami and Rafe. Sami thinks it is funny that her and EJ are not fighting. Sami appreciates EJ...Lesson of the Day: Appreciate your Rapist! Rafe says Sami and him are having problems, and Will throws his mother under the bus. Will mentions that he broke up with Mia...AGAIN. Rafe says it is Mia's loss.....wow he is a good liar...who knew?!

Bo asks Vivian if she realizes the ways he can make her life a living hell....well dude you are already talking to her...it don't get worse than that. Vivian comments she is not a young woman and Bo says he noticed. RIMSHOT! Vivian leaves before Bo's jokes get any more lame than they already are. Bo tells Carly she is going down. Wonder if he was talking about Carly or Vivian there? Carly goes down with the best of them.

The Governor talks to Abe and Lexie at the pub. They chat about how fabulous they all are...not the fact that they lack screen time. Theo introduces himself because clearly his parents do not care. Jim says hi and leaves....he must fear children. Abe and Lexie talk about how much Jim sucks, but how far he will go if he avoids a scandal. Of course, Anna is standing outside his hotel room plotting a sexcapade. Nicole is looking for someone to call....do all prisoners have this option?

Arianna shows Gaby her ring....I guess to show her that guy's can really suck when they cannot afford a nice ring. She tells her sister that she should elope. Someone clearly cannot afford a wedding gift. RUDE. Brady and Daniel are talking....*whispers* they want each other BADLY. Gaby and Arianna are still talking and apparently they love each other. Mia walks up to Gaby and the two start bitching. Selena Gomez is so getting her ass kicked. Mia mocks the fact Chad broke up with Gaby, so Gaby responds with drop dead. Mia says Gaby will be worse off when she is done with her????? And OMG can these two just kill each other because they really need to die.

Sami and EJ are still bonding. EJ thinks Sydney is just like Sami. LIES! Sydney's crying fits are nothing compared to Sami's outbursts! Hopefully, Sydney is nothing like EJ or Sami, but knowing this show she will be 18 next year and getting pregnant from having an affair with her sister's boyfriend.

Ari tells Brady that Gaby thinks they should elope. After looking up what the word means in the dictionary, Brady decides it is a good idea. Brady says they will get on a plane and not tell anyone. Ari agrees and they get all gross with each other like they usually do. Can they also move out of Salem??

Vivian meets up with Gus again. She gagged at the sight of Ari and Brady...THANK YOU! She tells him that Bo is a tool in her own Vivian way. Bo wants to talk about his future with Carly...um since when?! Why don't you just kiss her to shut her up like you normally do? NEVERMIND Carly shuts Bo up with a make out session. Carly does not want to talk, and her phone rings! OMG does she have a friend?!! She leaves and Bo calls his friend because he is super cool too. He tells the mystery guest that they have to deal with Vivian. Watch it be Hope, because Bo is just such a genius.

Sami gets Sydney ready for bed...maybe she talked to Bo and got sleepy. EJ watches Sami sing to the baby...and could this show make him any more creepy?!!

Anna stops the bellboy from delivering food to the Governor. She over tips the man...my kinda woman! Anna slips something into the Governor's drink.....probably a ROOFIE. Where and when did Anna score drugs? Who is her dealer? She knocks and Jim wheels his food on inside his room. Anna is about to commit Date Rape. Good Plan!

Nicole calls Rafe. DUN DUN DUNNNNN. She needs to see him right away. Ten bucks says Rafe thinks it is a conjugal visit.

Previews: Stephanie complains about the Melanie letter. Stephanie should complain about the fact she must have a brain tumor because she likes that idiot Nathan and his boring lame ass!

Maggie asks Melanie if she has feeling for Nathan. Another fucking genius who likes Nathan. This Nathan episode is going to suck!...why you ask?...because Nathan is the most boring character ever created. The Teens storyline looks like EMMY worthy material next to his boring ass. Give the kid an evil twin or something please.

Nicole tells Rafe there is something he needs to know about Sydney. Clearly that is something that could be done over the phone! Maybe she will just tell him what Sydney's likes and dislikes are. Actually, when Rafe shows up she should just tell him she called because she needed someone nice to look at for a change.